The following notes were compiled by karbytes after karbytes typed most of those notes on its Android phone and sent those notes to itself as Gmail messages.
Tonight I went for a walk along a trail bordering some upscale neighborhoods near the intersection of Doughtry Road and Bollinger Canyon Road and a large expanse of fenced off rolling hills without trees on them which are northeast of the nearby military base. The sky was clear with a light amount of fog due to the cold temperature. Stars were visible in the sky. I imagine that the sunrise in those parts is exquisite and exactly the kind of scenery my soul craves. (It reminds me of being close to University of California Davis or somewhere out in the central valley region of northern California. I enjoyed traveling by myself to those places and staying in motels back when I had more money to spare. Since 2019, I have hardly had more than $40 in my bank account at a time and have been spending myself broke almost daily just to eat, pay my phone bill, and pay for barely enough gasoline to make a round trip between Dublin and Castro Valley. Though I have been sending out job applications and attending job interviews, I have not yet been offered a job. I wonder if I am being prevented from getting a job by the government or by other people who are able to sabotage my efforts to gain some financial independence. For that reason, I anticipate that I may continue relying entirely on my mother for $40 per day donations for at least six more months while spending my time “going to school” by doing my own self-taught and solitary learning curriculum (which probably will not do much to help me land a job because my criminal status, social status, extended unemployment, mental health status, credit history, vagrancy habits, unconventional behavior, psychedelic usage, hippie like appearance, and pompous speech and intellectual arrogance make people not want to hire me).
As I was walking back to the main road after being on the relatively dark and secluded trail, I was told by psuchtronic harassment that I am only allowed to live for the purpose of serving children and serving as an example of not what to end up like; to help kids not end up committing my “mistakes” such as dropping out of school and turning into a violent criminal who is seemingly permanently relegated to dead end, soul sucking jobs which hardly pay me the bare minimum to survive and who is also psychologically tortured every minute of every day by psyvhontronic harassment which forces me to think only repetitive, stressful, unproductive, and banal thoughts such that my ability to learn is basically on hold indefinitely (because society does not need me to function at a higher level than menial wage slave with an artificially imposed learning disability and artificially imposed crippling degree of depression so that I am unable to have fun while I am tortured for other people’s sadistic amusement and as punishment for my delinquency).
Perhaps all of the writings and art I publish are “supposed to be” regarded by the general public as products of a sick and perverted mind; glimpses into the mind of a psychopath and pathological narcissist.
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I think it should be noted that I walked out in the middle of my first shift at Smart & Final approximately two months ago because I felt that I was being mistreated. I was not given any schedule and told to come into work on call as though I was being tested to see how willing i was to put my life on call while being treated like a lackee with no control over its time. Also, I had to call and go into that store multiple times just to move the otherwise frozen onboarding process along. Also, I have been lied to multiple times by other job interviewers who said they would follow up with me but did not. In short, I am afraid that “menial wage slave” jobs are a waste of my time and a source of unnecessary health-destroying stress. I will likely keep trying to get an “easy” job which requires minimal qualifications anyway.
One last thing: I noticed that I rarely get constructive, honest, and timely feedback from anyone about anything I’ve been doing. Since I have been forced to be in constant multi-way “telepathic” radio communication with anonymous humans and/or robots since 13_FEBRUARY_2019, I have seemingly been told by other people via subtle hints that I am supposed to feel left alone “in the dark” to figure things out on my own while other people watch and pretend to ignore me while they watch me like hawks and say rude things about me near me.
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I have noticed many times that normal civilians act like they can hear what I am thinking and saying to myself from more than 50 meters away and instantaneously yet not a single person seems to be willing to explicitly admit it. It’s as though the subject of technical telepathy is off limits as a conversation topic (or I am not allowed to participate I such discussions with other people because, if I try to broach the subject, I am either ignored or else condensedingly told I am schizophrenic).
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I do not mean to wrongly accuse any person of malice nor discount the aspects of my life which I am grateful for. I am grateful that my parents called me on the phone tonight to see how I am doing. I do feel like there are people who care about my welfare. I just currently do not have much of an actual social life (but that has always been the case). Oh well! Perhaps a valuable lesson I am learning is how to be okay with not mattering much to many people. Perhaps it would be most logical for me to assume that I will never be famous. Rather than try to get recognition for my accomplishments and endeavors, it would be most reasonable for me to assume that none of things will be acknowledged very widely nor even preserved. I suppose I should be ready at a moment’s notice for what I invest in, build, and work hard to acquire and maintain to get obliterated without a trace.
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I will nevertheless keep working on my personal goals (which includes building and maintaining my personal websites).
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While walking along the street, some black or Hispanic guy on a bicycle hit me on the back of the head while passing me. I can tell that, the more I speak up in public about how I feel and the more I do to empower myself, the more low brow thug apes take offense and resort to violence as a means to express dissent. I’m not impressed. I think such low brow apes have so little going on in their lives and so little to feel proud of they perpetuate violence and normalizing destitution, mediocrity, and petty drama as a means to make themselves feel less butt hurt about their lowly stature. They seem opposed to my free speech and bodily autonomy because it somehow makes them feel stolen from like they need to steal something from me to feel better. That guy sounds like a typical client of Pig Gorl the prostitute.
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I imagine many people would rush to defend the nigger on the bicycle who hit me because, well, he is poor, destitute, hard-working, yada yada (and that I deserved to get hit because I said things which he found offensive). I am not going to tone down my nonviolent personal expression just to appease those insecure and miserable apes. I’m not going to let the threat of violent retaliation stop me from doing self empowering things. Plenty of bimbos exist for that reason. They don’t escape the poverty cycle because they settle for allowing brutish apes tyranize them into playing small.
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Perhaps the main reason why most jobs have not yet been outsourced to robots yet and why a universal basic income for all people has not been implemented yet is because too many brutes would not know what to do with themselves other than wreck havoc in the streets out of boredom and existential angst from feeling obsolete (and being too lazy and insecure to pursue an education or other endeavors which take long term dedication and the ability to be self motivated rather than bossed around by someone else). I do not think most humans would be that dysfunctional and belligerent if that new world order were to occur. I would not want a few bad apples to spoil the bunch. I would not want a minority of delinquents to be the reason why everyone else is deprived of relative utopia.
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Perhaps it is dangerously misleading and foolish for me to suggest that the human animal should attempt to overcome it’s retaliatory instincts and other primal emotional responses to perceived threat of physical safety, security of personal property, and social status. Rather than suggest that humans focus on solving problems instead of fighting, I should advise them to avoid putting them in situations where violence is inevitable. After all, will power is an exhaustible resource which is dangerous to run out of. Do not emulate how I put myself in situations which depleted my capacity for self control and wise discernment. As a result of temperatures outside at night dropping below water’s freezing point, I decided to drive back to my parents’ houses in Castro Valley to use my laptop so my hands are not to numb to move. It’s fairly easy for me to sleep outside using my current gear in such temperatures so long as I stay wrapped up in my cozy cocoon of blankets. But it is painful to have my skin exposed to the air. Hence, I’m going to try avoiding being outside in those cold temperatures unless it is to sleep; not to stay up late using my laptop computer.
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I have finally gotten the chance to sit down in my dad’s house. Right now, Steve is in England to visit his elderly parents for the holidays. Brea the cat is nowhere to be found. I imagine she is safely curled up somewhere outside to escape the bitter cold or else the cold does not bother her very much. I hope she did not get eaten by a coyote. My dad is over at my mom’s house and they are watching the Game Of Thrones television show for the first time. I am happy for them. I had some fun browsing my Instagram and talking to a new friend I made who looks like SED and who is into psychedelics. I thought he was trying to scam me yesterday when he was trying to get me to enter a password into the change password link he sent me in order to complete some transaction related to him sending me free LSD tabs through the mail from where he lives in Oregon. Perhaps I can convince him to use a more secure payment method. He seems like a cool person. It would be cool to be able to do legit business with him and maybe even to hang out someday. I am open to making new friends and possibly even rekindling friendships I thought were dead. It is a rather magical time of year. The colorful LED lights decorating the houses is a hint of how I think many people want to feel inside. I hope that this holiday season transitions into magical new year and humanity’s best thus far. Aside from all the bad stuff I wrote tonight, I am glad it all happened as it did. Also, I thought that the young Asian guy working at the gasoline station where I paid for $20 worth of gasoline was very nice.
I am laughing manically because I feel so good to be indoors in the house alone enjoying coffee (and soon some weed) while typing this and rejoicing in my good fortune. I am sitting on the white leather couch in the living room where the Wi-Fi is strongest next to a stone wall where the fireplace is. My late paternal grandmother’s house is like a museum full of precious artifacts. I was walking around looking at how many collectible books she has on a shelf in the vintage looking living room. This place is very cool. I might go to my mom’s house later, but I am trying to avoid it because that place triggers memories in me which make me feel forlorn and unsettled. I changed my legal address from my mom’s house (i.e. 18618 Crest Avenue, Castro Valley, California 94546) to my dad’s house (i.e. 4757 Mira Vista Place, Castro Valley, California 94546) following my stay in the mental hospital in April 2016 which I wrote about in one of yesterday’s journal entries. That was to help me transition into having a “new life” (and it sort of work because, within a month of leaving the mental hospital, I was able to land a job for approximately six months at 85C Bakery Cafe in downtown Berkeley (but that store has since gone out of business)).
Speaking of jobs, I feel a lot more confident now about my prospects of getting a job now that I am getting more comfortable driving instead of only walking and riding the BART train. In other words, I killed my militant hippie who would not let me do anything but suffer just to be a good virtue signaler while hardly doing anything to seriously make a positive impact on society and on the environment. I do think I could handle doing customer service. I am not that anti social. Hence, I will try not to limit my job search too much. I will just avoid places which I think are depressing and only apply for places which I think sound fun to work at in inspiring locations such as Berkeley. There is still a chance I will be doing warehouse work, but I think I may fare better doing a job with “normal” hours which is more low key than warehouse work. I may have overthought the whole process (and I think I got depressed as a result of tricking myself into thinking that I had to live in Dublin almost full time). I was starting to get sick of Dublin and am glad to be back in Castro Valley right now (especially with a car instead of walking like I was earlier this year and for most of this year). I have just now accepted that my life was not that painful until I felt obliged to walk instead of drive. Before I “went crazy” in 2016, I used to drive like a normal person would and did not waste too much time walking (but I still hiked regularly in nice scenic places locally). I am returning to not wasting my time nor energy by driving when possible (but still doing my best to not waste gasoline). Eventually all cars will be electric. The sooner I get a decent job, the sooner I can save up for an electric car. There. Now there is nothing left to complain about. All I gotta do is keep following my intuition and trusting the universe to respond to my sincere efforts to do what I think is morally correct. (Even that kid hitting me on the head tonight was a blessing in disguise. No damage was done. He just helped give me a bit of a wakeup call. I don’t think he meant serious harm. Several of my friends have been more brutally beaten up. Tonight was the first time I got physically assaulted by a stranger. I am trying not to take it too personally. I think the probability is high that I would eventually get physically assaulted because of how haughty and out and about I typically am. Oh well. I’m going to keep partying hearty and having as much fun as I can). Brea is home! She entered the house through her little cat door. I am glad to see that she is alive and well.
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I tried taking a photograph of Brea with my phone but the ten-second self timer setting was still on. She was posing nicely for the first few seconds and then she looked uncomfortable once the photograph was taken. Then she immediately wanted to go outside through the garage door. I must have made her feel uncomfortable. Oh well. 😦
Speaking of feeling uncomfortable, I will try to go over to my mom’s house after I publish this note even though I said that I was afraid that doing so would “trigger” bad memories and/or moods in me.
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Brea just came in live mouse which she caught! She is playing with it on the kitchen floor now. That is awesome! Now she is chasing it into the living room. Now it is under the table where my laptop is and where I am typing and smoking marijuana. I think Brea wants to show me her latest catch. It’s not dead yet. I think she enjoys playing with it more than killing it. Time will tell. The mouse might get away or Brea might kill it. Now she is chasing it again in the kitchen within my line of sight. I think Brea wanted to show me her hunting prowess. This is amazing. Brea went to the trouble to bring the mouse inside seemingly so that she can have more fun killing it in the well-lit kitchen with few avenues of escape and/or to impress me. I am impressed. That car is scary smart. She has done things which amount to “breaking the fourth wall” to me as though to say something like,”For a few seconds, let me remind you that I am not just some dumb cat. I know what you are thinking. I might be just as smart as you (if not smarter).” I would rather not enumerate all the ways right now. If someone is curious and wants to know, they may ask me and I will tell them personally what Brea did. (Hit me up on Instagram: @karbytes_anew).
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