KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_75
After getting evicted by a police officer from that spot I have been camping at during the past few weeks, I went back to the parking garage near the corporate buildings next to the Motel 6 in Dublin to resume resting. While sleeping in this garage, I had a dream that the garage I was in was dark and had no lights on like it currently does. In the dream I felt both intrigued and creeped out. Then I woke up. For about half an hour I heard a person skateboarding on the other side of the wall in the garage (and the garage is shaped like a running track which makes it sort of like an indoor gym to do laps inside of). I was comforted by having a respectful person share the space with me even though seemingly more than anything my goal is to be able to live alone. That’s why I intend to spend a significant amount of my money renting a motel room (especially this upcoming weekend). There is a bicycle rack in this garage which I think is fairly safe to leave my new bicycle locked up at while it is not in use (and I plan to get a bicycle as soon as I can so that I have a cheaper, greener way to commute ready to go as soon as possible).
What compelled me to write this note was the fear that my mind will atrophy as a result of not doing enough in my free time to have a life outside of work and the pursuit of socioeconomic security (and hence autonomy within the context of the societal matrix I am basically a prisoner of). I have been erring on the side of doing too little than doing too much in my spare time this week because I feel the need to allow my mind and body to adjust to my new routine and to get through what I hope and expect to be the final two days of being so poor I feel like I am being battered, tortured, and maimed as a consequence of not having the resources most other people seem to have.
What most other people seem to have which I do not is a sense that people make the difficulties and existential angst of human existence worthwhile. While I understand that humans are social animals which evolved to survive as part of a community of humans rather than as lone survivalists, I have always had the sense that I am profoundly alone (but with the vague sense that beings which are invisible to me and to most other humans I know witness my life through my first-person perspective). Perhaps that is a “survival strategy” I adopted as a child to cope with the sense that I had few friends and none of which I really enjoyed the company of all that much (and I always had enemies who were rude to me because they thought I was weird and because I was more asocial than most people seemed to be). If I am the only person I seriously get to know on an intimate level and the only person who I am fairly certain will not leave me (without me dying and ceasing to have the human body-mind which consciousness is inhabiting to maintain and to derive a sense of meaning from as that body-mind’s (apparently sole) proprietor and “super user”), then it makes sense to prioritize having quality time alone than it does to sacrifice my alone time to make way for friends. There is too much of a cultural difference between me and most other humans for be to feel that having friends instead of just acquaintances is compatible with my goals in life and my personal values. Though I am probably not as outwardly happy as more sociable humans are, I think that I have deeper thoughts, a more developed intellect, and more autonomy than most other humans do.
Perhaps the most significant point I am trying to make in this blog post is suggesting that I am not as needy as other people are and not as distracted by consumer-oriented gimmicks which compel people to seem to have much higher expenses than I have because having such expenses is necessary in order to keep up with one’s peers. I am clearly not keeping up with the masses because I am trying to be more minimalist, eco friendly, and naturalistic (rather than human-centric) than what I think society generally conditions people to be. I am not trying to denigrate people for not emulating me. I am simply trying to provide an example to the general public of how a human can be a “modern monk” (i.e. someone who has some kind of job which pays the bills and someone who keeps up with current events and technological advancements but someone who renounces having most of what other humans in “modern” society seem to think are essential such as a house, big cars, lots of toys and clutter, kids, spouses, friends to go to the bar with, and lots of social gatherings to attend on the weekends. What I do to “fill the void” is spend time pursuing solitary hobbies and becoming talented as a result of dedicating myself to skill-building endeavors which I think are worth my time and not just as a means to show off to other people in order to get their praise and promotions).
In the past I used to think it was enough to sound smart to other people even if those people did not understand what I was talking about. Now I am not so content to be told, “You’re so smart,” as the only feedback to whatever I am saying (and seemingly as a cue to for me to stop talking). Now I rarely ever speak unless it is to communicate information for a problem-solving purpose. Of course I have some ego and like to be seen as smart, but what I want so much more than to be recognized as smart is to have useful ideas to communicate which actually make a positive difference in the world.
I might not make another blog post until I get my paycheck on Friday. I plan to take screenshots showing how many hours I worked and what the first payout is. I also plan to rent a motel room for two consecutive nights (on nights I do not have work) and to purchase a bicycle. Other than that, I will try to hold onto as much of that money as possible so that I can start to accumulate what would amount to an emergency fund which would allow me to survive at a better standard of living than what I have been putting up with for the past few years while holding down a package handling job or else looking for a new package handling job if I get fired (but I do not expect to quit my current job because it seems to be one of the best deals I have ever gotten).
Thankfully my current job does not seem to make a big deal about hygiene and physical appearance. I have not showered in over a week; not since being offered this job. I have wanted to avoid going to Castro Valley where my current legal residence is (i.e. my dad’s house at 4757 Mira Vista Place, Castro Valley, California 94546) nor where my previous legal residence is (i.e. my mom’s house at 18618 Crest Avenue, Castro Valley, California 94546). I have not wanted to talk to people unless it was for legal or economic reasons. It feels like I need to keep to myself so that I do not get sidetracked by distractions I cannot afford. It often feels like I am at war and that I am fighting a lot harder than it looks like I am to preserve my composure, sanity, and sense of optimism about my future in the face of those who seem to rob me of enthusiasm, comfort, and peace of mind. I am sociable enough to get by and I think I am kind; just more egocentric and eccentric than most of the people probable are (but lately I tend to not be surrounded by particularly “high maintenance” people who I tend to dread and resent having to be in the presence of).
Lastly, if I seem inconsolably unhappy, it is because I am not satisfied by how many problems are still not yet solved in the world (especially the fact that much of society’s infrastructure is not environmentally sustainable and the fact that most health problems and social problems seem to be the result of mostly preventable causes (because I believe that the physical means to give everyone a decent standard of living and to reverse human-caused ecological damage currently exists and has existed for years but such means are being patented, hoarded, and hidden from the general public so that the people stay too dumb, downtrodden, and distracted to notice and to seriously take remedial action. (I refuse to take antidepressants just to appease those who demand that I pretend not to mind being dumbed down and forced to be apathetic to my deepest concerns (as though being a pleasant piece of decoration in other people’s lives is all the antidepressant pushers think I should be valued for and value myself for))).
Each person has a unique set of experiences, knowledge, and physiology (unless there are parallel universes which mirror this one which contain copies of each person who is unique with respect to this universe).
One more thing: I do not think there is an end to reincarnation. I do not think that any being reincarnates for one last time before ceasing to be conscious of anything once that being dies. Instead, I think a being continuously travels from one dream to the next. Perhaps the same being goes through more than once instance of what appears to be the same dream (but even in that case each rendering of that dream is a unique event). I say this as a way to discourage myself and others from committing suicide as a means to escape suffering. What I mean to suggest is that there is no escape, but there always exists the possibility that event patterns can change (and change in a person’s favor). Hence, what I strive to do ultimately is to be patient with reality as it is rather than too impatient to reap the benefits of my relatively long term investments. When the future seems bleak and the societal matrix seems rigged against my goals, it is tempting for me to seek short-term gratification because, when my outlook is especially pessimistic, I reason that short-term gratification is the only gratification I will ever get.
Update: I recall dreaming about being inside of garages which appear to be darker and starker than their “real life” counterparts since 2019 when I noticed the “telepathy” surveillance obliterate my sense of privacy to its core. Those dreams seemed to have a holographic quality due to the fact that those dreams were almost entirely visual with no movement other than the camera looking around where visible elements seemed to be projected against and inside of a black and 100% transparent and backdrop whose limits are not defined spanning in all directions and surrounding me (i.e. the camera looking at the scene). I suspect that the government is beaming electromagnetic signals into my brain (or perhaps using technologies I never heard of which appear to bend the laws of physics to make what would I would assume to be impossible possible). I think the government hires people to do very large amounts of psychedelics in underground locations in order to access the ability to travel outside of one’s body like ghosts to make changes to the physical universe I happen to be editing this WordPress web page inside of without being detected by electromagnetic radiation detecting and transmitting devices. I think that the physical world is made of electromagnetic radiation (i.e. light) and what lies beyond (the metaphysical dimension) is more absurdist and open ended and random. I get a lot of news which I find significant, interesting, entertaining, and useful from my dreams. I look forward to working my way up to having the courage and the means to acquire DMT and LSD (et cetera) so that I can keep investigating these matters for curiosity’s sake.
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Update: I forgot to mention that the dreams I had about the garages occurred while I was only in a very light sleep depth; not heavily sleeping for hours but drifting close to waking consciousness and, also, that each of the garages I most vividly remember dreaming about (the garage at my dad’s house and the garage I started this journal entry web page inside of) were stripped of their “waking life” decorations and sense of being connected to the “waking life” environment. In my dreams there seemed to be nothing but a void and the minimalist garages which were dark yet totally visible to the locus of the visual field within those dreams.
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