As paradoxical as this may sound, I think I would be a nicer person if I acted less nice (i.e. if I was more selective about who I give into the demands of or offer generosity to). I never really liked myself back when I used to be more of a people pleaser (and for a while I thought that the people pleaser version of me was nicer than the comparatively rebellious and socially avoidant version of me which came to fruition after 2015 especially as a result of doing heavy amounts of edible marijuana for the first time in my life).
I like the idea of myself being colder, less sycophantic, and less forced to be talkative to other people than I currently am and think that the colder version of myself is actually more genuinely kind because that version of me is not as wasteful of finite resources as is the version of me who feels obligated to be more of a martyr who is more gregarious and generous than I prefer to be (and that martyr has been known to be too willing to hand over passwords to scammers even while thinking that doing so was likely going to get my account hacked and stolen merely because that martyr wanted to show the scammers how nice and trusting and open minded it was (which is nothing more than vain virtue signaling)).
I do not really have friends anymore (and I have not had more than one friend since April 2016 (and during April 2016 I had a “manic episode” in which I ran away from home and thought that I was in some kind of clue-finding game where I had to prove that I was ready to join some “secret” underground movement of rabel rousers by abandoning my backpack full of journals on the beach after riding BART to Ocean Beach, dropping a bright green USB flash drive full of digital journal files on the ground, leaving my shoes behind to run on the sand, talking to random strangers as though they were “non playable characters” in some video game while I was a playable character (from my vantage) on a quest to see where the clues were leading me (and I thought that, if I kept going, I would find AJP and we would be reunited after we apparently broke up and we together as best friends and lovers we would “save the world”)). I ended up thinking that the world was literally going through some kind of apocalypse in which the universe was splitting into multiple universes and/or merging into one universe (which has something to do with “the Mandela Effect”) and only some people (i.e. “the chosen ones”) would be transferred to the new universe while I was running barefoot through a neighborhood in San Francisco on the west side of the Golden Gate Bridge (and I noticed a lot of random strangers seeming to be watching over me as “non-playable characters” like they knew that I was in a game and they knew what the object of the game was). Once I got to Golden Gate Bridge, I attempted to run across (but I got detained and by police and taken to some trailer on the other side of the bridge where the police asked me questions and I told them I was on a quest to find AJP and JP. Then I was taken to a psychiatric ward in San Francisco and kept there for a week (and while I was there, I felt that I was part of some crusade to liberate the people who were incarcerated in that mental ward and forced to take meds against their will and I thought my job was to help the people know that they are not crazy, but rather, undergoing some kind of spiritual evolution which conventional society wanted to suppress and pathologize)). To make a long story short, I do not exactly think that I was making much rational sense back then, but that “manic episode” gave me a rather euphoric and fanciful escape from my “real life problems” which I had difficulty facing. I am still dealing with those (mostly pragmatic) problems today.
One of the biggest dilemmas I am facing is that, in order to make money, I seem to have to violate my sense of ethics and give up too much of my freedom and too much of my authentic expression and well-being. Though I have been willing to go through the trials and tribulations of menial employment, I have gradually come to the conclusion that, in order to “earn my keep” (i.e. approval from society and eligibility to earn a paycheck), I am implicitly required to suffer more so as to not make other people feel envious of my relatively free, happy, healthy, and nerdy lifestyle. “How is making myself miserable serving society,” I asked my imaginary audience rhetorically. Then it occurred to me that there is no purpose to society just as there is no purpose to anything existing at all. Things just are. Society just is. Physical laws appear to be one way and not some other way. Hence, I see no fundamental distinction between wants and needs. What that means is that, in order to be worthy of money and other provisions which are decidedly not free, I am required to suffer because that is what many other people are accustomed to doing: suffering more than I think is necessary out of habit, peer pressure, and a lack of being able to imagine or to learn about alternatives to compulsory suffering.
I said in a journal entry which I wrote today that I think that outsourcing as many jobs as possible to robots and providing every human an unconditional basic income is possible and necessary to making society as civil as I think it ought to be. Right now I cannot help but feel that most of human civilization is still too barbaric and lagging in terms of utilizing technology and science to engineer real solutions to real problems for me to say is conducive to living a sufficiently enjoyable life. That explains partially why I do not feel particularly motivated to make friends at this time. I think too many people have their heads up their asses (metaphorically speaking) at this time to do much more than condone that we all settle for the status quo of society being way more inefficient, unhealthy, an and dysfunctional than it would be if outsourcing most jobs to robots and allowing all humans to live on an unconditional basic income was standard practice. I do believe the means to implement such changes already exists and has exited for at least five years. Therefore, I blame humans for the holdup; for why progress seems to painfully slow. My hope is that psychedelics will be widely decriminalized and made accessible to the masses such that a widespread evolution of human consciousness will occur which causes a sufficiently high number of humans to push for the kinds of changes I wish to see in the world (and when they do, I imagine that they would feel similar to how I do: that the solutions are already here but the people have been too myopic and fear-driven to admit it).
So I am not particularly impressed with the low caliber of intellect of most humans. I do not admire how so many humans hardly do anything other than work at a job which would be cheaper, safer, and more efficient to outsource to robots just so that those humans have something to do with their time and so that humans are not burdened with the responsibility of having to manage their otherwise free time without some employer basically renting them and placing them in extremely limited and childlike roles of token servitude. I am not impressed by how people who work at such jobs barely do anything other than watch television and hang out with family and friends hardly having anything but television and lame jobs and unoriginal tepid milestones to talk about. I am not impressed by how people seem to excuse themselves to be physically and mentally underexercised, malnourished, sleep deprived, relegated to hardly ever traveling outside the premises of work, home, and local shopping centers. I am not impressed by how few people seem to pursue a deeper understanding of how reality works beyond the myopia and anthropocentricism of the spatially and temporally local societal matrix (which is very tribalistic, consumerist, superficial appearance oriented, and daresay anti-intellectual and anti-introspection and anti-free speech). I am not impressed by how people tell each other it is okay (merely because it is normal) to age prematurely and to lack vitality due to not making enough time to pursue personal development endeavors. I am tired by how often I see people say all they want to do is sleep and watch television and hang out with family because their working lives deprive them of energy to think outside the box and time to pursue more rigorous and depth-oriented things (which obviously take longer than a few hours to complete and to see the value of). I am impatient with how normal it is for people to have attention deficit and a lack of attention to detail and a lack of creative and witty responses to prompts and to problems. If people had more free time, I think that would help humanity immensely to not be so lame that I do not consider most humans worthy of my time.
As raw, unpolished, factually inaccurate, convoluted, and unpleasant as this piece of writing may be, I think I am doing society a service by publishing it because there are nuggets of truth in this piece of writing which I think are rarely expressed; nuggets of truth which can help humanity assess its progress relative to physical reality and not just to their imagination of what physical reality is. I live inside of my own “augmented reality” comprised of the art I produce and the media I consume. This “augmented reality” is my own “private” cultural bubble; my home which, without, I would be a mere animal trying to survive and “go with the flow” of external pressures from physics and from social, economic, and cultural constructs imposed on me by other humans. Creating my own cultural bubble to inhabit as my mobile home (using my personal websites as the main physical architecture to project and to preserve such a cultural bubble) gives me a sense of agency and originality of character which I would otherwise lack. My personal culture (which is intentionally chosen and intentionally curated by me) distinguishes me from other humans and prevent me from just blending in like a chameleon to whatever my encompassing social environment is. Some humans may scoff at me for not being more willing to conform to society so as to make myself employable and even to convince people to not abuse me. My reluctance to conform exists because I think that people are implicitly demanding that I suffer merely to make it seem that suffering is inevitable so that the children are not alarmed that there is so much (preventable) suffering in the world (and to keep the children in uninterrupted suspense and ignorance about how automation of jobs is possible but not being implemented as widely as I think it should be merely because the adults were conned into being sellouts instead of challenging the status quo like I am (and part of me challenging the status quo is choosing to spend much more time alone to introspect and hence come to know things about reality most other people seem ignorant of and, also, choosing not to get married nor to have kids because those two things seem to rob people of autonomy and intellectual depth more than just about any other factor)). Perhaps people are in a haste to put me in a cage where I am forced to spend most of my time and energy doing some token menial job so that the kids do not see me out in public solving riddles and publishing “radical” blog posts which make people question the status quo. We must protect the kids from thinking outside the box. We must keep the kids complacent so that they do not freak out about how irrational society is. We must tell the kids that there is no better way to operate society than what they currently see. We must not admit that we may have fucked up big time and seriously need to reboot society from the ground up. Do not even get me started on climate change and saving the environment. (I registered to be a member of the Green Party even though that political party is too small to seriously compete with the only two parties which seem big enough to put their presidential candidates in office: the Democrats and Republicans. I see saving the environment as perhaps the highest priority of human civilization while most other people seem to not. How I see it is that the environment is the operating system of human civilization. If the operating system is corrupt, the applications which depend on that operating system to run will eventually likely malfunction if they work at all. Hence, in order to make the applications work, the operating system needs to be robust and stable rather than corrupt and disintegrating more by the day).
Yes, I am claiming that most humans are too stupid to provide a viable future for their children. I think most humans pop out babies because doing so is a way of avoiding being punished by not doing so. Parenthood is a protected status. Non-parents are treated as much less worthy of protection, provision, and respect by society. than are parents. I think that most people have children for the sake of avoiding suffering (but those children will have to suffer more than the parents will if the parents keep operating as they do because those parents do not seem to mind trashing the environment such that future generations will suffer extreme hardship due to environmental toxicity and climate destabilization if not go extinct).
Yes, I am saying that I think most parents metaphorically use their own spawn as lifeboats to save themselves while their children drown beneath their feet while they stand atop floating bodies of babes to breathe. Yes I am saying that human kindness is nothing more than self service at the expense of other beings. Hence, I would say that only selfish motives exist. What makes some forms of selfishness more altruistic than others is the degree of intelligence the source of selfish intention is. The more intelligent a person is, the more likely it is to accurately anticipate the needs of other beings and to effectively satisfy those needs. The less intelligent a person is, the more likely that person is to use ignorance as an excuse to be apathetic to the needs of other beings (and being apathetic to the needs of other beings is synonymous with treating the needs of other beings as unnecessary to satisfy such that satisfying oneself and maybe just a few privileged members of one’s own close-knit and exclusive tribe is all one feels is necessary to spend time and energy on; to hell with everything else).
Namaste! Bask in your solipsistic bubble of peace and congratulate yourself on taking “excellent” care of those you claim to care about. Go ahead and tell yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have (and perhaps even go so far as to tell yourself that is all you can do). Your time and energy is limited. You are under no obligation to care for anyone. Hell, you are not even required to keep breathing. Reality will continue to flourish without you breathing!
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