KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_69
The following note may or may not be placed inside of a private repository (which presumably only karbytes has access to).
Throughout my life time, humans who have bullied me have been orders of magnitude more likely to women than men. My experiences have persuaded me to adopt an adaptively biased worldview which says that women are generally more sadistic, anti-intellectual, parasitic, unhelpful, dishonest, and misery-mongering than are men. My strategy has been to generally ignore women and to treat them as burdensome antagonists rather than as people who can be trusted (which seems to go against what the bully women want (which is to bait me into constantly fighting with them instead of working on my personal goals)). My strategy has not been as effective as I hoped it would be at getting the bullies to leave me alone. In fact, I have seen that, the more intensely I work on my personal goals and not focusing on the attention whore snarky female pests, the more I see actual women (especially those from traditionalist cultures in which there is relatively rigid gender roles which does not embrace transgenderism or non-heteronormativity) go out of their way to look angry at me (and during those times, bad things seem to happen to me such as my bicycle tires getting popped and personal items going missing). I think that such bullies (irregardless of chromomally-determined sex, personally chosen gender identity, and sexual/romantic preference (but presumably all cis-gendered and heterosexual)) think that it is ethical for them to censor me and to vandalize my personal property (digital and physical) and to even subject me to corporal punishment (such as being deprived of food, deprived of shelter from the elements, and deprived of decompression time especially).
I think that my enemies are fundamentally opposed to me being comfortable and feel threatened by my feeling comfortable. Such people think that I do not deserve to feel good as a result of doing things which are good for my health and which amount to making profess towards personal goals because they seem to demand that I be deprived of even being able to give myself appreciative, honest, and constructive feedback. Such enemies pepper my consciousness with cede vibes, a sense of impending doom without respite, the sense that I am being ostracized and set up to be a victim of bait-and-switch scams and general animosity, and a sense that humans are profoundly inhumane, robotic, unkind, self-serving, tribalistic, deliberately cruel, sadistic, and preferring to perpetuate misery-causing conditions than to alleviate such conditions. I get the sense that it is not okay to be as idealistic, optimistic, passionate about the subject matter I love most, and even kind. Instead, I get the sense that I will get severely tortured unless I downplay those qualities and, instead, more or less mimic the bullies who seem to demand that I be more apathetic, hedonistic, and indifferent to the things I worry about and pine for.
What I am learning to do seemingly this year is get used to not feeling appreciated nor accepted nor known by very many people. I am very grateful that I have parents who are generally nice to me and supportive of my goals in life. I believe that they genuinely want me to be happy and to thrive and that they feel bad for me when I encounter personal hardships. Part of the reason why I avoid going home is because I do not want my parents to have to be negatively effected by my stressed out vibes (and the world outside their homes seems much harsher and less forgiving than theirs). I mainly avoid going home because I feel the need to go it alone as much as possible (because I crave becoming financially independent with a lust for it like never before).
I will never again attempt to use SED’s San Leandro house address for receiving my mail. I was not expecting to get in a fight with Eliza Kane (i.e. Spencer Eugene Dyer’s new partner) today when I showed up at that house to ask who I thought were neither Spencer nor Eliza if an envelope from the social security office with my name on it arrived. Eliza said sternly through the Ring security video camera and audio recording and broadcasting device on the porch that I as unwelcome there and that I would not be getting my stuff. I protested that my mail was being held hostage and she protested that I was trespassing. Ultimately, Eliza won. I think that Eliza and Spencer both dislike me and want to exclude me from their lives and to make me feel undeserving of their kindness. (Perhaps they are not very kind people at all).
(Note that, because Eliza withheld my mail from me today (but a police officer called to say that the mail will be sent back to sender), I plan to go back to the social security office once I have a Post Office Box to mail the social security card to. I do not want to send mail to my parents’ houses for privacy reasons and because I am afraid that people intercept my mail without telling me and deny that they are doing that. Rather than fight with people about what I think is bad conduct on their part, I would rather just focus on what I can control: my own behavior).
What made today more stressful than I planned was receiving a text message from my new employer in which I was told that, if I did not bring an acceptable second form of identification into the office today, I would be terminated from the company. I texted that I was told that I would have two weeks to bring in my social security card from the date I apply for a new one and present the receipt to management at the company I was hired at last week. (When I brought in my driver’s license and original birth certificate during orientation, I was told by a female staff member that the birth certificate was not accepted and that I would need to get a social security card (and use the receipt to prove that I ordered a social security card to be mailed to me if I do not already have a social security card)). Today when I walked into the office and presented the same birth certificate to a male staff member, he was a lot more helpful, informative, and friendly, and was able to get confirmation that the birth certificate was acceptable.
What I choose to believe is going on is that I am being subject to some rather advanced psychological tests which have been going on long term and nonstop for years to see what kinds of reactions I come up with in response to being treated in ways which do not seem to be very egalitarian, straightforward, fair, and logical. What I hope to do and what I think I will be approved to do is not speak up so much about whatever “unfairness” and “unkindness” and “irrationality” I feel that I am personally subjected which most other people (if any) are not subject to. (It seems socially acceptable to get rightesously indignant about sufficiently popular and suffieciently numerous groups of other humans getting “mistreated”, but to complain about any other being’s welfare not being made a priority is considered to be frivolous and an invitation to be punished). Rather than speak up on behalf of beings who are not considered by whoever defines what political correctness is, I will pretend to be indifferent to such beings while only stealthily investing in their welfare.
I cannot overstate how anxious I feel about how much “digital garbage” I have populated this website with which I am afraid to remove because such content (as “low quality” and misleading and biased and embarassing and hastily concocted as it is) helps to substantiate a contextual foundation upon which to understand my own mind using my website as a “map” which hints at how my mind actually works. I built such a map primarily for my own use (as a means to not lose my sense of identity and a sense of having gone through a particular personal journey through space and time as I age), but I also built that map so that other people can better understand me and, ideally, so that other people can better understand the human condition in general. Please allow me to “restart” new at this point in my journaling journey (such that I go forward with minimal biases (i.e. with a “beginner’s mind”) and with a sense of optimism, compassion, and commitment to pursuing as deep of an understanding of truth as possible). I do anticipate that I have many challenges to deal with in my future. I will do my best to handle difficulty with intelligence, humor, and courage and to avoid making stressful situations unnecessarily stressful for myself and others. I am prone to be a bit elitist, arrogant, egotistical, and presumptuous in my thinking (and by Myer-Briggs temperament is best described as INTJ or INTP), but I will do my best to not let such tendencies (and perhaps preferences) inconvenience other people. There! I think I am ready to make chapter 6 of the 2023 journal section of this website denoting of the phase of my life in which I become financially self sufficient and more productive in terms of accomplishing my personal goals than ever before.
Thank you for your time and attention. I promise there will be no more garbage peddling on this website following this web page’s publishing.
What do I most wish to spend my money on? Perhaps renting motel rooms (especially ones which are less than $80 per day/night cycle) so that I have a guaranteed place of refuge to go where I can relax, wash my body in the shower, use my laptop computer (while accessing the Internet either by using my mobile AT&T data or else by using the motel Wi-Fi), and just enjoy a space which is more private and less sensory-overload-y than living outside (though I do plan to buy several portable laptop charging stations and camping gear so that I can easily camp while using my laptop). I also hope to “greenify” my commute method by investing in a bicycle and using that more often than driving the car to commute to work and wherever I have errands to fulfill.
This web page was last updated on 09_JANUARY_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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