KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_62


KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_62


To Whom It May Concern:

If I do not have a full-time warehouse job, then I worry that I will not be able to quickly and easily replace my gear (laptop computer and smart phone included) and that I will not be able to afford what I need to make my time not sleeping feel at least as enjoyable and meaningful as sleeping is to me. Hence, without a job, I am prone to sleeping excessively and otherwise procrastinating in order to avoid getting more stressed out than I have money to console myself with. Not having a job means that I am never allowed to relax because I do not have the means to control my own life and to pay for the things I do not think I should have to go without. Hence, I decided that getting a full-time warehouse job was the highest priority item on my “to do” list for this new year.

I decided to limit my job search options to full-time warehouse positions only (specifically for package handling and non driver roles) because I already have some familiarity with how those jobs and those jobs are minimally stressful compared to other jobs I have done (and I find customer service and food service jobs to be much more stressful for me because those jobs tend to offer inconsistent hours and much more talking and appeasement and taking relatively complicated orders compared to the relatively simple and relatively asocial tasks of sorting packages on an assembly line). Some talking and socializing is involved in my current job as a package handler in a sortation warehouse, but it is what I consider to be relatively low-key, pragmatic, and minimalist (which is what I like).

Now that I seem to have a job (but I was told that I need to bring my social security card into the office within two weeks of receiving that email (and if I do not, I fear I may get terminated from that job (and I plan to go to SED’s old house in San Leandro around 7PM on Thursday at the soonest to ask whoever lives there if an envelope from the social security office with my name on it arrived))), my mind is generating thoughts which seem less repetitive, depressed, and anxious than the thoughts I was having prior to getting hired at my new job and attending my first shift at that job. My thoughts now seem to be coming from an ego which sees itself as a non-disabled adult who earns and spends its own money and which sees itself as being treated like a non-disabled adult who earns and spends its own money by other members of the society I inhabit. I no longer feel so desperate to prove to myself and others that I am not helplessly dependent on someone else for money. (If I the car I have been driving is suddenly out of commission, my plan is to order a Lyft ride or else to commute via BART train and walking or bicycling (and only my job makes it possible to afford those backup commute options except for walking and taking BART because those options are virtually free)).

Now that I have two days off per week and most of my weekday normal business hours available to use at my discretion, I feel obligated to establish a habit of using my free time to work on Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com (especially by adding pages to that website which showcase software engineering tutorials). I think that there are many people who want to make it seem like a controversial issue for me to work on advancing my information technology skills and portolio while holding down a full-time menial labor job as though those two endeavors are not mutually compatible. At this time I do not feel that I have enough prerequisites which would allow me to be sufficiently competitive in the information technology sector to land a decent job in that sector any time soon. I expect to earn some information technology certifications and build myself the functional equivalent of an undergraduate diploma in computer science within the next two years. Working night shifts only makes it relatively easy for me to be available for daytime interviews, daytime test taking at places like Unitek college, et cetera.

I do not quite understand why I seem to be getting so much anti-supportive feedback from other people. I do not quite know what they want me to do, but based on what I currently know, I think that those anti-supportive people want me to settle for part time customer service jobs at most while doing almost nothing but sleeping and veging on the couch when I am not working. Perhaps my anti-supporters think that I deserve to be deprived of self esteem, economic power, prestige, and opportunities to socialize with higher-than-average-in-terms-of-intelligence nerds and geeks (i.e. people who find sufficient intrinsic value in doing intellectually rigorous hobbies in their free time without needing to other people to praise them, prod them to do it, or even pay them to do it). My anti-supporters seem to be saying the following, “Unless you are able to get hired right now to make at least $90,000 annually at some information technology job, you shouldn’t even bother studying computer science. It’s too late! Just settle for being a cashier and living with your parents while not doing anything intellectually demanding because no one in your life is supposed to support you for doing anything other than being a good example of what it means to pretend to have never gone to college and to have no interest in academics or what exists outside of one’s small town life. That is to fight ablism and to show people that making money should not have to require specialized esoteric knowledge acquired by expensive and time-consuming education. This is to be a paragon of what it means to have a simple and humble existence (instead of a high-maintenance special snowflake).”

My “game” this year is to pretend that those anti-supportive feedback givers exist and are scrutinizing my every move and thought from a remote and relatively untouchable location. If they are so damned interested in me and not in other things, then I might as well have a long debate with them in which I prove via actions and results that I can further my information technology career while working full time as a package handler doing ~8 hour night shifts. It might not be feasible for most other people working at those package handling jobs to emulate what I set out to do because I think that most (if not all) of those people are not serious academics and have higher family-related and socializing-related expenses to pay which I do not expect to incur. (I do not mean to be presumptuous, but I do feel that it is appropriate for me to be somewhat elitist (which means that I think that people need to do more than merely survive and hang out with people to be considered by me to be using their resources productively rather than squandering those resources (especially if we work the same hours and earn at the same pay rate but only I seem to be able to “afford” advancing my information technology skills)). Then again, if people do not have my sensibilities, I assume it is because those people were not fortunate enough to have the kinds of experiences and genetic proclivities I have had which made me relatively iconoclastic, autonomous, imaginative, witty, and ambitious. I do not mind being ostracized for being an elitist snob so long as I am able to hold down a decent job and make progress towards my goals at a reasonable rate (and not so slowly that it feels like having to contend with a serious illness or hardship such as having to make extreme sacrifices to care for a colicky, needy baby (and I am pro-abortion for fetuses younger than three months for that reason))).

In summary, I intend to focus on my personal goals and not wait for other people to be more kind and more helpful to me to proceed. I will leave other people to fend for themselves and “ghost” them if I deem necessary (which means that I simply stop reaching out to them via telecommunications). The people I expect to interact with most are not people I expect to have deep intimate conversations with nor to hang out with outside of work. That’s good for me because I do not need much socializing to feel non-lonely. I feel that I get all the socializing I need from working, shopping, using the Internet, and just traveling by myself to explore the world. Even if I do not talk to other people, being in proximity to other people while doing my own thing can be quite comforting and makes me feel that I fit into human civilization rather than being some ostracized outsider who is not allowed to sit down in the coffee shops amongst the other coffee shop users.

There is a small-throated cherubic Lolita caricature who keeps breathing shallow and noisily and plaintively cooing and mumbling seemingly because she is mad that I am not making her the center of my attention nor doing exactly what she wants at all times (and her voice sounds like a sedated whimpering dog making nagging intonations while tepidly dribbling out words like drool and with so much apathy and presumptuous smugness she does not even seem to know what those words mean because she seems to be merely parroting what the television says). I think that, if she had her way, I would spend most of my waking hours watching television while hardly ever leaving my parents’ houses so that the gap in my resume only increases and so that I am effectively hiding in my parents’ houses while looking and acting like a disabled shut-in with no friends, no talents, and no goals other than homeostasis and adhering to a very stereotypical, bland, and lazy existence. That little girl does not seem to have any interests outside of being a fussy, inarticulate, lazy little diva who expects to get waited on and treated like angelic royalty because of her neonatal appearance and behavioral patterns. She looks like an adult pretending to be a seven year old child. I called her Lolita because she acts like a child prostitute and seems to think that her childish qualities are sexually attractive and hence deserve to be rewarded by society with economic provisions and social inclusion. We do not have real conversations because her attention deficit is so bad that she cannot focus on a single sentence (even what she says) before jumping onto the next one. She does not ask questions. She does not generate witty nor relevant responses. She just announces her existence and what a big baby she is; a being which must be coddled, worshiped, and treated as having nothing to offer but “cuteness” and being coy, flirty, sassy, and pathetically incompetent at functioning outside the bedroom where she seems to live full-time. She cannot even draw a single picture for more than three minutes (and it ends up looking like a half-assed stick figure depicting some kind of cartoon princess for little kids which looks like the work of a five year old child with no obvious artistic talent nor knowledge of the world outside her bedroom and the propaganda which is fed to her through the television set). I have imagined kicking her in the head with a steel-toed boot many times. Even though I think it is generally bad to kick a person in the head with a steel-toed boot (especially a woman or a child because society treats those people as being too precious to assault), I think that inflicting physical violence on some people is the only feasible way to get them to stop being such a nuisance (because such people are not willing to engage in diplomacy and such people refuse to stop harassing me). If I was able to terrorize that little girl into leaving me alone, I would. If I could get away with it, I might even torture her and then kill her so that I no longer have to deal with her again. (Like I said in a blog post from last year (see the first green highlighted paragraph in that blog post), I might resort to hastily and instantaneously obliterating people who I think are holding the rest of society back from evolving to a higher standard of living. In other words, I might justify “ethnic cleansing” which amounts to purging Planet Earth of humans who seem to be too much a nuisance and a burden to people like me and the people I admire so that more of the types of people comprise the population. The people I admire are exceptionally conscientious, hard-working, intelligent, non-complacent, empathic, honest, and respectful towards non-human animals and the fact that there are ecosystems to preserve rather than recklessly subject to human-caused deterioration. (Perhaps the most “down to earth” goal I have is to not end up on my own kill list)).

(Note that I expect and hope to never murder any creature which is larger or more complex than a bug. I ideally would never have to physically assault another human nor be physically assaulted by another human but both have already occurred in my life time (i.e. I have been a perpetrator and a victim of physical human-to-human violence). I hope such assault does not happen again in my future).

Okay! I am glad to have gotten to this part of my blog. I am sitting in the hangout spot with the lights which automatically turn on at night and which is out of the rain and in a relatively secluded place where the turkeys, hawks, vultures, and crows frequent daily. I see a lot of earwigs and ants in this spot. Sometimes I hear the croaking of frogs (especially after it rains). Sometimes I hear the coyotes howling at night. I have a magical place to go to where I can sleep, use my laptop, and draw pictures. This is also a nice place to smoke marijuana (though I do hope to graduate to using a USB-charging vape pen instead so that I get less carcinogens and so that I do not get as sedated as I would on marijuana edibles). This is an okay place to “microdose” magic mushrooms (but I would prefer to use magic mushrooms in a hotel room which I rent to be alone in so that I can be maximally cozy and able to take a hot shower and not feel so homeless as I currently do). I doubt that I will be able to afford even the cheapest apartments any time soon (which are at least $1,500/month to rent) unless I go to extremes to stretch my budget (while literally going hungry some of the time in order to pay my rent). Hence, rather than “waste” my money on an apartment I can barely afford without seriously jeopardizing my health and ability to function, I plan on renting a hotel room at least some of the time on my weekends and using that time to do stuff which I prefer to do indoors and alone. Perhaps I will get creative and use my money to buy some kind of portable shelter which is sturdier than a tent (and I will stock it with camping batteries so that I can sit in there using my laptop continuously for eight hours at a time (but I might just settle for getting a new tent since tents are usually quite cheap and effective at providing a minimal degree of shelter from bad weather and a minimal degree of privacy). I really ought to invest in some decent over-ear headphones (particularly those with noise-canceling features).

This is just me getting some ideas out. I don’t want to get too carried away with my plans because I might not get to implement them. I would rather not announce my plans and, instead, limit my personal announcements to showing off evidence that I accomplished some milestone task. In other words, as time goes on, I hope that my blog is more focused on concrete and specific subject matter and not so much on reminiscing about the past nor pontificating about the future. (It is okay for me to discuss abstract and hypothetical objects such as parallel universes, mathematical proofs, and science fiction concepts in future blog posts, but talking about “the real world” is not the best use of my resources because “the real world” is too big and too nuanced for me to speak about authoritatively (and I use the term “the real world” to mockingly refer to what small-minded misery-mongering bimbos seem to think is the only thing in nature which matters: human civilization as they personally know it to be)). I will not try to compete with “humanitarians” and those who are more interested in politics than I am. I am not as interested in pandering to the masses as they are. I would rather pander to an audience which does not exactly appear to be mainstream. My target audience is comprised of adults who are self-educated and voracious consumers of information; people who live to learn and to tackle intellectually rigorous problems. My target audience might as well be denigrated by the masses for being elitist snobs who do not spend enough time socializing and fussing over other people (and downplaying their intelligence, humor, and charm so as to not make other people feel intellectually inferior nor lazy nor uncool). My target audience is probably richer than I am or roughly similar to me in terms of socioeconomic status: neither rich nor poor, more than a bare minimum high school education, interested in pursuing science and technology education and careers, interested in analytical philosophy and psychonautics, and more autistic minded than the average human seems to be. In short, I intend to pander to people who genuinely love to think and not just to bleat reflexively like conformist sheep.

Sincerely,

karbytes


This web page was last updated on 07_JANUARY_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.