KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_533
08_JULY_2023: For the record, I am effectively homeless. Even though I have a legal address which I am apparently allowed to live at rent free (and that house belongs to my parents), I almost never spend the night there and, instead, spend the night outside camping in various locations. I’ve been doing that for the past 3+ years. I do it because it seems to be the only way I can cheaply live on my own (or at least approximate living on my own). During that time I have steadily been depending on my mom for a daily allowance of at least $40 for food and other expenses. During that I was mostly unemployed and only employed for no more than four months at a time at various restaurant and warehouse jobs. What I want but have not been able to get is a place to live without having to share living quarters with other people, an electric car which I own, a job in which I don’t feel forced to put up with people I don’t enjoy being in the presence of, and freedom from being forced to listen to propaganda from literal thought police. I am afraid I will spend the rest of my life feeling severely deprived of what I currently feel I need to be happy instead of chronically miserable. I am also worried that my severe anxiety and anger and self righteous thoughts upset other people to the extent that those other people want me evicted from my home, incarcerated in a mental hospital for failure to assimilate to the other people’s culture and lifestyle, or placed in a forced marriage or custodial relationship with someone who acts as my owner and dictator (and the last thing already seems to be the case).
I honestly feel that I am “not allowed to” set and achieve many if not all of the goals I set for myself because other people are disapproving of me having that degree of control over my own life (and time especially). Nevertheless, I have been making progress towards completing the final revision of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com (which I promised to complete no later than 01_AUGUST_2023 though I am now trying to “rush to the finish line” within less than two days from now).
08_JULY_2023: During the past three days I’ve been eating lion’s mane mushrooms in order to promote neurogenesis (and it apparently has been working because I have been experiencing a boost in creativity and relevant memory recall). I thought I should add the following notes to this blog post:
1. I decided that I am amoral rather than trying to adhere to any particular code of ethics (which means I do not place absolutist limits on my behavior).
2. I heard That Person (in the form of a disembodied voice) tell me several times “you will pay for everything you did”. I think what he means is that he feels violated by me merely having a better life than what he wants me to have and is, hence, obsessed with trying to sabotage my life (even if doing so detracts from his own quality of life).
3. I remember being driven from work to the Castro Valley BART station along the 580 freeway by AJP before we were dating and we both saw graffiti on the chain link fence of a freeway overpass which said, “Will you marry me?” AJP said that it should have said “Marry me”; a demand instead of a question about the askee’s consent.
4. I remember while AJP and I were dating and I was riding in his car while he drove it and I told him my family was not very wealthy and AJP said that he was hoping he could “get in on my family’s money” dissappointedly.
5. Sometimes I think that I am like Belle from Beauty and the Beast and AJP is like Gaston because the whole town seems to revolve around AJP’s whims and people seem like absolute sycophants to him who think I deserve to be locked up in a mental hospital or tortured for not being more submissive to AJP and willing to be his wife.
6. I cannot help but think that free will is an illusion (based on the scientific studies I have read about and the logical discourses I’ve had) and that all decision outcomes are the paths of least resistance. I cannot help but think that all wives were covertly cornered, deprived of some kinds of information and force fed other kinds of information, and exhausted into saying yes to some guy’s requests (or demands) to marry him (and that women have been culturally and biologically shaped by patriarchal human societies to be relatively easy for men to control). I am glad I have not fallen victim to marriage and reproduction.
07_JULY_2023: There is a person (and I suspect that it might be AJP) who has been using “technological telepathy” since approximately 13_FEBRUARY_2019 to forcibly communicate with me and to surveil my thoughts with the intent of trying to manipulate my thoughts and behavior into becoming what that person wants me to be (and I suspect that other people (my family members included) are “secretly” trying to help that person achieve his goal in covertly coercing me into being his partner, slave, or scapegoat).
I think that the person (and the many people who seem to be on that person’s side and against me) are impatient to get me to finish the finalization of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com (or even to abandon the project) in order to appease that person. “Hurry up and finish being so self centered and focused on your project so that I can talk to you for real,” seems to be what that person is essentially saying. In the web page named KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_507 I promised my imaginary colleague C that I would finish the finalization of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com no later than 01_AUGUST_2023. (The reason why I am taking that long (and too long according to that person) is that I want to ensure that (a) the process of finalizing Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com is as magical and enjoyable of an experience as possible and something I will fondly look back on for the rest of my life and (b) the final product is as flawless and high quality as possible. Apparently, I am being “criminally selfish” for wanting to achieve those aims instead of treating that person as a higher priority).
For the record, I intend to remain single for the remainder of my life even though other people seem to object to my being single. “You only have yourself to worry about,” is something I have heard that person and others say to me. I do worry about the entire ecosystem of Planet Earth to some extent but it is true that I care about myself more than I care about seemingly any other entity (and that self-centeredness is not something I think is unethical nor something I wish to change). I think other people insist on using coercive and punitive tactics to get me to be less self centered and I object to such meddling.
Finally, this journal entry web page is the second to last journal entry web page in this blogging chapter. The next journal entry web page after this (and final journal entry web page to include in its this chapter) will be an announcement of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com’s finalization.
This web page was last updated on 08_JULY_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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