KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_523
Update: Note that in previous notes and in this note I said some disparaging things about people which may or may not be true. I want the world to know that I have recently and always known and seen examples of kind, hard-working, and honest people but I have not done a very good job of admitting this fact. Instead, I gave whoever my “enemies” are (whether real or imagined) a lot more blog space than the many other people who have helped me immensely (especially strangers). Also, it could be that I have been misconstruing what I saw other people doing as intentional malice towards me when it was my own mind’s confirmation bias. Also, and finally, I understand that free will is a virtual phenomenon which only exists within the confines of a simulation created by the brain (and what governs the brain is fundamentally beyond the direct awareness and direct control of the also virtual phenomenon referred to as one’s sense of self). Therefore, everyone is currently forced to do things exactly one way due to the physical constraints of the shared physical universe simulation we coexist inside of and interact with each other through. Money is a major limiting factor inside of our societal interface. Law is also a major limiting factor which constrains people’s thoughts and behavior. Otherwise, electric cars and pollution-free energy production would take precedence over fossil fuels and fossil fuels would be phased out of production entirely.
* * *
I think I understand the purpose of the mind reading and sonic interference which I have been experiencing constantly since 13_FEBRUARY_2019: to make my thoughts less disorganized and more adaptive to operating in “the real world”.
I think that I have been fixating on the subconscious belief that I “have to” live with my father since I was a young child and that belief has been detrimental to my ability to focus on my own life and to be self sufficient to this day.
When I was approximately ten years old and on a three week vacation with my family in Norway, I remember distinctly feeling a pang of intense worry after hearing my adult aged half sister telling my mother that she was concerned about her (and my) father’s declining health as a result of his habit of smoking cigarettes and that his skin looked ashen gray as we were boarding a train. I was immersed in my Pokémon Red Gameboy game until I heard that and then felt very sad and scared that my father would die soon.
When I went off to college for the first time in the fall of 2008, I was staying in a room for rent in a two-story house in a relatively quiet neighborhood without many residents yet which was located about a mile from University of California Merced (where I was attending classes and riding my bike there along the flat sprawling road and trail past a vast field where I saw workers picking tomatoes against a backdrop of the Sierra mountain range along the east horizon). My parents were not getting along very well during my senior year of high school and afterwards. I think my father wanted to get away from home in Castro Valley and decided to park on the street next to the house I was living at to lodge in his car for a night or two without telling me. I thought that was a bit intrusive and disrespectful to me but I was nevertheless sympathetic and did not communicate to anyone that I felt that my personal space was being invaded.
Rather than go to classes, I used that opportunity to be away from my parents and from the San Francisco Bay Area to make movies and music and to surf the web and get started on transgender hormones using my laptop and Internet connection. I also tried making money online by writing articles with eHow and Knowl using Google Adwords (but because I accidentally duplicated my Adwords account, Google suspended my ability to make money through Adwords). I thought I could get by getting a job working for JC Penny as a cashier and still have enough money to rent a room for rent in a place like Merced. Long story short: I ended up dropping out of UC Merced and moving back to my mother’s house (which is where my father still lived) and attending classes as an undergraduate computer science major at Chabot-Las Positas Community College (both the Hayward and Livermore campuses) for approximately two years with decent grades before transferring to complete my four year degree at California State University East Bay in Hayward and eventually dropping out in 2016 after my paternal grandmother died, my father moved out of my mother’s house to live at his mother’s house on the other side of Castro Valley (where I have been living since my first psychiatric hospitalization discharge in May 2016 as a means to achieve independence from my mother because she and I were not getting along), and my first and second serious romantic relationships ended (and I started doing heavy amounts of cannabis edibles for the first time).
While trying to get my life started after dropping out of CSUEB and working as an underpaid and overworked bakery employee at the now closed 85C Bakery Cafe in Berkeley and building a new online presence online, I remember my father acting creepy when I was trying to video record myself and how he seemed to intrude upon my recording sessions while pretending to be oblivious to what I was doing and he also seemed to get angry whenever I closed my bedroom door and put a “do not disturb” note on it so I could practice holotropic breathing (and he said he was angry because he didn’t want the tape from that note to take paint off the door (which I think is a bullshit concern)). Later in the spring of 2019, I tried to get started with a code and drawings and philosophy blog like Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com while sitting in my room with the door closed listening to classical online radio and drinking coffee and happily writing JavaScript applications like what is featured in the web page named HEXADECIMAL_COLOR_CODES in Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com. My dad grumbled angrily back and forth past my door, peaked in through my window from outside, and spent about $700 on a useless deck building project for a deck no one uses just to piss me off by making loud noises and lying to me that it would be a small housing unit with running electricity.
Following my release from prison (for theft or vandalism), my father seemed to want to punish me even worse than law enforcement did by confiscating my backpack with my laptop in it and not giving it back to me and not answering the phone when I attempted to call him until he drove back home where I was standing at the end of the road angrily snarling as he handed me a burrito bowl from Chipotle (which I threw on the ground because I wanted my backpack back and he had it). My father said he brought my backpack to Santa Rita County Jail thinking I would want it there so that I could stay on the streets in Dublin in case I didn’t want to come back to Castro Valley. He vehemently denied malicious intent but I do not believe him. I also remember him threatening to make my life miserable in ways I would not be able to stand, telling me I lack the ability to control my own mind and body, that I was trapped like he was and forced to live with him, that I was like a ship in the night not spending enough time being emotionally intimate with him, and doing many other things which felt like panic aggressive bullying and trying to make me feel bullied, isolated, and ganged up on. I could go on and on, but I think I have listed enough examples of why I feel abused by my father (and I think my mother enables it and denies it has been happening). If you ask either of my parents if any of what I claimed in this paragraph is true, they would likely deny it and say I’m mentally unstable and, hence, untrustworthy.
My latest shroom trip (which occurred approximately two days ago) was mostly focused on how I needed to find a better place to live. So far, I have decided to keep living as I have been: spending most of my time outside and going home to my dad’s house at least once every two days to charge electronics, check the mailbox, wash my clothes, take a shower, take care of Brea (a tortoiseshell cat), and occasionally play musical instruments (which I think many people are opposed to me doing at this time in my life). I don’t like feeling forced to live on the streets or to move back to my mother’s house nor in being forced to ask ex partners or strangers or former acquaintances to let me live at their houses. I do not think it is fair for me to have to be deprived of the right to live at my legal address just to appease my abusive parents and people who side against me. I walk there like I deserve to have unrestricted access to my own home and to not be fucked with and to pursue my goals in peace even though some people don’t seem to agree.
This is such a petty filibuster of an issue to use as an excuse to not make progress towards my goals about. No, I am not a loyal child. No, I am not willing to put my life on hold for other people’s convenience. No, I am not willing to play dumb and not talk about what bothers me online. This website is my primary means for sharing what’s been troubling me. I hear people now telling me things which sounds disapproving and dismissive. I’m basically immune to being insulted and ignored. What I think I’ll never be immune to is being physically assaulted, polluted into, stolen from, or the victim of vandalism and hacking.
Today karbytes shared a link to this journal entry web page on its Twitter page, Minds page, Patreon page, and LinkedIn page.
This web page was last updated on 02_JULY_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
KARBYTES_FOR_LIFE_BLOG 