KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_49
I have been applying for jobs via Indeed dot Com and am starting to get interview requests. Hopefully within the next two months, I will have a job and, hence, a source of income other than donations from my parents. In the meantime, I am spending most of my time hanging out in Dublin in places which are out of the rain and within walking distance of electrical outlets and free public Wi-Fi. I mostly have been using my AT&T mobile data to tether my Android phone (~$100) to my HP laptop (~400) using a USB-C cable (~$10) at a rate of $20 per every 3 Gigabytes (in addition to $30 per month for basic phone service). I am still borrowing my mom’s car and have been keeping it parked in the East Dublin BART station parking garage while trying to drive that car as little as possible to keep the engine running and to hold down a job and to do some occasional odd errands. I am still 99% vegan (but I allow myself to go off veganism for occasional taste tests).
Today I did a phone interview for a local sandwich shop I applied to work at in Dublin. Tomorrow I have an in-person interview at that place. My intuition suggests I am making progress in the most desirable direction. For those who ask me if and when I’m going to get a full time job as a software engineer, I say this: computer science and physics are what I want to focus on long term whether I am paid to do so or not. My short term game is getting a full or part time job doing something which I think sounds ideally for university students to do (but I am self taught on a flexible study schedule which means I have minimal employment hour restrictions) and using the money I earn from my job to pay for my basic expenses and to build an emergency fund to cover things like replacing my phone and laptop. I intend to get a bicycle as soon as feasible because I miss going on bike rides. In my free time I intend to keep doing psychonautics, algorithmics, art, and general research. There is an abundance of media to consume, recreational options to pursue, and interesting ideas to contemplate. What there is a scarcity of is time, money, cognitive resources, and physiological functioning capacity. I cannot function minimally well without adequate dietary, exercise, recreation, and sleep habits. Hence, I will not try to compete with relatively tireless and productive robots. As a student of computation and cosmology, I think my biggest contribution to human civilization is Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com and other websites which I consider to be part of the karbytes empire. I take pride in what I do and I consider myself to be part of a growing community of science, technology, philosophy, and art geeks. (In order to be minimally content and not just an animal to manage, I need to focus on interesting worldly subject matter and not just personal upkeep. Otherwise, I do not feel that I am making enough satisfying progress as time elapses. Unless I am incarcerated long term or otherwise seriously prevented from doing much more than subsisting on life support in captivity against my will, I intend to have quite ambitious personal goals and quality of life standards).
As a female-to-male transsexual, I think that I am treated worse by people than I am as a cisgendered female. Therefore, my preference and fulfillment of that preference is not socially beneficial in most cases. For that reason, many people think I should quit taking testosterone injections and resume identifying as a cisgendered female because that “invites” less adversity than what I am currently doing: taking testosterone injections on a cyclical basis to masculinize my physiology. I am probably losing money and shortening my life expectancy as a result of making such a socially unsupported decision. Without a husband’s protection, I am living in harsh and desolate circumstances. Without children to be the mother of, I am being treated as a freeloader who is not making enough of a personal sacrifice and contribution to society. As a single functionally autistic transman who wants to be as solitary as possible yet able to hold down a job and participate in society in ways which I think are worthwhile, I am getting what I think is the best deal out of how I could use my own life. The advice and feedback I generate is primarily for my own entertainment and performance enhancement and not necessarily relevant to other persons. I do not want to be a parent nor do I want to be married nor do I want to live in the same house as other people. I would clearly rather spend most of my free time outside than at my parents’ houses for that reason: to be alone rather than socially enmeshed in egos I do not want to be infected by nor supportive of. I wish to be 100% economically independent from my family of origin even if that means I stop interacting with them and live as though my family of origin is dead. They have already taken up more of my cognitive resources and time than I wanted to allocate to them.
As a continuation of what I said in the previous paragraph, I am clearly taking testosterone injections for intrinsic benefits more than for social approval. I feel more energetic, self confident, and upbeat seemingly as a result of taking testosterone. My menstrual cycle has already ceased after taking 0.5 milliliters every two weeks since early November 2022 (and I recently was approved by the clinic to increase that dose to 0.7 milliliters). So I do clearly have logistical support to do what I have been doing (especially since the prescription was almost entirely covered by Medical (which means I usually pay $0 for the medication and $0 for doctor office visits but less than $10 every few months for syringes and needles)) and intend to keep doing: taking testosterone, identifying as transgendered (or, more precisely, transsexual because I am doing more than identifying with a gender which is not typically associated with my biological sex as a human), and looking for jobs while spending most of my free time alone and outside. Those who are opposed to my masculinization seem to be unhappy with me doing what they think are male dominated domains they do not want me seriously competing with them in (which means that they would still complain that I was not acting sufficiently feminine even while not taking the testosterone). I think that is the core reason why I get treated worse as a masculine person than as a feminine person: human society seems to revolve around the whims of alpha males (who are cisgendered, heterosexual, and breeders). The best way to classify me culturally speaking is a gay transman who is mostly celibate and hermetic (or who has been mostly celibate and hermetic since 2020). By choosing to present myself as masculine rather than as feminine, I am much more likely to get physically and psychologically beaten up. That does not make me think that being feminine would grant me more kindness, but rather, just less overt abuse from other apes. Quite frankly, I see no appeal in being feminine other than to harness masculine people to do one’s bidding. As far as I can tell, being feminine means that one gets to be coddled and worshiped as a fertility object in exchange for being physically and mentally crippled (to the extent that one is settling for being a child in need of an adult’s ongoing care and investment (which means that only men were able to become autonomous adults while women were stunted by society (which sexually selected for fetishistic enslavement and being reduced to a fertility object) as helplessly dependent and incompetent and learning-disabled and highly specialized for domestic servitude child prostitutes)). Without the ability to give birth to human infants, I think that most women would have been slaughtered by men after those men are done raping them. Taking care of the rapist’s spawn is a way for the impregnated rape victim to earn respite from being more brutally tortured and discarded by her rape apologist society. I cannot help but think that most women look like hostages who are terrorized into remaining too crippled by ignorance and socially condoned lack of fitness to emancipate themselves from a patriarchy which forces motherhood and hypersexualization on women. I cannot help but think even lesbians and women who abstain from sex and from romantic relationships feel like they are only treated nicely if they pretend not to mind being infantilized and treated as a heterosexual man’s property. Lesbians seem to exist in order to protect each other from male-on-female violence and to provide each other a sense of not being alone in such a horrific worldview. So being a man (a transman (a female-to-male transsexual taking testosterone hormones for the rest of its life)) means that I am very likely going to be “mistaken” for a biological male human (with XY chromosomes instead of XX chromosomes). I do not wish to alter my genitals nor get plastic surgery to alter my physical appearance. Being “mistaken” for a man by most strangers most of the time means that I will not be treated as a stolen piece of property which belongs to some man (which is obviously not the same item as that stolen piece of property is). For that reason, a lot of women seem to be envious of me. Perhaps they wish they could pass for a man as easily as I do so that they do not have to be so deprived of autonomy.
To any person I would recommend following one’s own intuition (which means trying to understand what one’s own cognitive dissonance is about rather than downplay it or ignore it). If you feel unhappy being a female, I recommend taking testosterone. It will increase your muscle strength and size, bone density, red blood cell count, and induce many other desired physiological changes (including temporally rendering you sterile and also stopping your menstrual cycles). Otherwise, keep enjoying your feminine qualities since you clearly do not want to be any more masculine than you are. If you have trouble doing masculine things because you do not feel socially supported to do so, you might not be sufficiently satisfied with embodying what human femininity is all about.
This web page was last updated on 02_JANUARY_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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