I apologize if some of the previous journal entries I made (especially the previous one) have been a bit logically incoherent, disorderly, depressing, and wasteful of your time to read. I think that I needed to get some rather disturbing thoughts out of my mind and out into the world where they can be seen by myself and others. Exposing those otherwise “secret” thoughts to the light of day instead of keeping them locked up in a dark box inside my mind helps me to not feel so overwhelmed by those thoughts. I might as well continue the process of getting what I think are my most depressing and anxiety inducing thoughts out of my head (though I might not have sufficient time to get them all written down in one sitting or even in multiple sittings).
I was thinking that one of the most unfortunate things which could happen to me is if I lose my eyesight. So much of what matters to me involves my ability to perceive light through my eyes. Almost as bad as losing my vision for me would be losing limbs, becoming paralyzed, losing my hearing, or getting terminal cancer. I often worry that I will eventually get cancer despite my best efforts to be healthy because of the pollutants many other humans release into the environment (and the ozone layer which used to help keep out harmful cosmic radiation has been thinned out due to certain kinds of pollutants). It is hard to enumerate all of my worst phobias in one journal entry but they all seem to sum up to me becoming crippled and, hence, losing autonomy (while also being taunted by other people who gather around to watch me suffer my loss of autonomy while saying mean things about knowing there is nothing I can do to regain what I most cherished).
In some ways my life already feels that horrific for that reason. Ever since I started hearing voices in my head (which I am pretty sure are not me merely hallucinating) and having the sense that what I used to think were private thoughts were suddenly forced to be broadcast such that other people in my vicinity could literally hear the words and see the images which occur inside my head (and this “mind rape” started for me in February 2019 while I was assembling raw bagels onto a baking sheet while I was working briefly as a baker’s assistant at a Panera Bread restaurant in Fremont), I have not had a second of quality time to hear myself think or to practice mindfulness meditation. (Right now I am feeling harassed by what sounds like an old chauvinist white man giggling and making a buzzing or hissing sound faintly and persistently inside of my ears in order to disrupt me in the middle of trying to think while hearing multiple other faint auditory tracks playing simultaneously which sounds like politically conservative and impatient people taunting and discouraging me seemingly in order to make me feel depressed and to have a nervous breakdown because those noises induce tactile sensations like I am being tickle tortured. I am in pain and have been for years. I have been in more pain than I can stand for years because of this phenomenon I think is worse than rape but is treated as not at all a problem by everyone except for me. I think that my parents know, my neighbors know, and many other people know that I feel very distressed by what I think is one of the most inhumane and unfortunate things to happen to me yet such people would rather show me callous disregard and suggest that I have schizophrenia just for bringing this issue up. I think people know that to me this is like having one of my major sense organs removed against my will so that other people can laugh at me losing something which I used to make the center of my personal religion: the sacred emptiness and silence within from which novelties spontaneously emerge. I am afraid that proponents of the military-industrial complex (and of the “black lives matter” movement) ruthlessly exploit me as their token privileged elitist snob white person to be their captive audience and brainwashing target. Those people seem to disapprove of me using vocabulary of my choice and conjuring up thoughts which are more personally relevant than what those propagandists forcibly interject into my stream of consciousness.
I think that those who subject me to this mind control and psychological torture (which I think should also be treated as a form of physical assault because I sense that is how it is being used) are deliberately trying to make me feel distraught and upset enough to break things and to cause a loud commotion which would draw attention to myself from other people such that they could see that I clearly do not feel okay. My tormentors seem to know that I am afraid to explode like that because, if I do, I could end up getting evicted or locked up in a jail or psychiatric ward. Also, my tormentors seem to be preventing me from being able to benefit from breathing techniques and mental visualization techniques which could help me reduce my stress levels and actually feel okay. It feels like I am being prevented from being able to cope with unbearable stress so that I am forced to operate at a level of functioning which is so abysmal compared to how I would normally be that I practically have a seriously impairing disability.
I am afraid that my parents, my ex partners, and many others who know me are aware that I am being forced by the state to have an a crippling mental impairment which prevents me from being able to focus on my own thoughts and which forces me to pay attention to thoughts which are not at all my preference to pay attention to; noises which sound like they are designed to cause me agony for other people’s sadistic amusement. It’s like my parents and others decided that my mind does not deserve to be treated as a sacred space to honor and, instead, to be broken into, vandalized, and filled with content which is detrimental to my aims. It is distressing also that almost no one has shown me any sympathy for what I am going through. As I write this now and I hear little kids playing outside in the cul de sac while I “hide” in the garage, I sometimes hear what sounds like the kids voices being distorted to say things which are too adult level for them to be saying and which use the same recurring vocabulary which I frequently hear elsewhere. What I mean to suggest is that some kind of technology is distorting my auditory perception such that incoming sounds are made to sound like voices speaking the words of my tormentors.
Also today, I noticed my laptop spontaneously shut down at least ten times (especially while I was in the middle of feverishly typing). I notice what sounds like other people saying rude things about me and within earshot of me when my attention is not very closely focused on the sounds those people appear from my end to be making. Just because my mind is not intently focused on some auditory stimulus does not mean that the stimulus is seriously impeding my flow of thoughts such that I am being subliminally programmed to take in messages which are very abusive to me and seemingly designed to make me feel socially isolated, hated on, intentionally ignored, belittled, suffocated, intellectually sabotaged, spiritually violated, and sexually molested.
Does anyone besides me care about what I am talking about? So far the answer has been no. No one has seriously shown much interest in this topic even when I attempted to bring it up to them in person. I notice that oftentimes when I have tried to talk to other people in person, they treat me like someone who is to only be dismissed as mentally ill and those same people would talk about me in insulting ways as though I was not privy to what they were saying. Then when I attempted to bring up the snipey little things they say and passive aggressively did to upset me, they accuse me of being mentally ill and in need of being hospitalized and berated (yet I can tell that they are not being honest and that they know that I am not at all mentally ill).
I have noticed a lot more gaslighting from the people in my life recently. I do not want to go into all the nitty gritty details but I have seen them blatantly lie to me and talk at me that is so rude it makes me think that those people would not do it if some distinguished and world renowned celebrity were present in the same room.
Some people would say that this journal entry (and many others I have written) are examples of me procrastinating instead of working on more productive things like computer programming and studying physics. What is scary and maddening to me is that, many times when I actually do get to a point where I feel ready to get into that more productive stuff, I get ambushed by those voices and, coincidentally, by actual in-the-flesh people to the point that I end up too adrenalized to sit down.
Perhaps people are opposed to me having a “vacation” from having to work and have a more “normal” life instead of staying by myself to focus on things which are too esoteric to be mainstream. So I would not want to euphanize the mind control being waged against me as good for me in any way. I am pretty certain that, without that intervention, I would be a lot happier and more productive.
I am afraid and dismayed that there is literally an all-out war on karbytes’ productivity and happiness.
Because of the previous sentence I wrote, I feel like giving other people the cold shoulder and treating them like my enemies because I am traumatized from seeing too many people seem to rejoice in my suffering and to dismiss the things I have had to say which I thought were very important.
(I noticed my laptop abruptly shutting down at least ten more times while trying to finish up this journal entry by adding a span HTML tag with CSS in it. There really does seem to be a war on karbytes against karbytes enjoying what it is good at and enjoys: computer science and software development. I think the police or whoever want to come between me and what I love and could easily build a happy lifestyle around because those people are control freaks and sadistic and probably insecure that, unlike them, I am both naturally good at that computer science and programming stuff and actually enjoy it and would like to be part of a professional community involving that stuff. That is why I keep mentioning that I feel that I am being made to feel like a tortured little girl being held hostage by her abusive father who sexually molests her and wants to deprive her of a career and friends so that the little girl is forced to be his mistress who is reduced to a hysterical mess while he nuts off and watches. I have seen my father exhibit too much body language suggesting that he feels like he has to get in between me and my career out of a sense that his professional ego is underdeveloped. It’s like he wants me to feel just as held back and deprived of professionalism and wholesome interests as he does. The voices I am hearing now sound like his voice making taunting noises. It’s like one or both my parents have to always be the center of attention as long as I live with them yet I am not allowed to live my own life unless I settle for being in the wrong career).
Like I said earlier, I have been saying stuff which might be outlandish but stuff which I felt haunted by and thought I would feel better if I shared some of those thoughts online.
I know I have been trying many times to make whatever journal entry I am writing the final time I mention the icky, low brow, sensationalist, propaganda induced content which I detest making room for with my personal brand and web presence at all. Perhaps this journal entry will be it; the last time I give so much of my blog space to the anti-intellectual, drama-mongering, chauvinist control freaks and bullies who seem to get treated like the most important people in my life and who seem to be controlling people like puppets whether those people know they are being controlled like puppets or not.
I will not let those pigs drive a rift between me and the few people I have left in my life if I can help it. I will not let those abusive assholes force me to be homeless against my will. I will not let those parasitic pigs defile my love of learning. I will not let those unimaginative sore losers (who I imagine are dog people and not cat people) impede my naturalistic spirituality and consciousness expansion. Those ugly tyrants who likely beat up their wives do not deserve to be celebrated as heroes. They are probably entirely paid for by other people’s tax dollars. Those overgrown babies deserve to be neglected and left to suffer the worst nightmares imaginable; so badly that they resign and rebuild their lives to not be harmful to others. I do not think they will let go of hurting other people easily. To be an abusive bully is part of their core identity. Hence, I will not hold my breath and hope they ever take a psychedelic and see the light. I think they are too scared and cynical and cynicism mongering to even want to promote such a possibility for anyone. They are probably hellbent on making sure no one in their lives (or ever) gets to attain a deeper appreciation for existence than what they have.
I cannot see the silver lining in their interference with my life. It does not matter that I have any criminal history or history of being hospitalized for psychiatric conditions. I believe that I was never once mentally ill and that, instead, I was suffering from a lot of traumatic events happening close together in time, taking a lot of edible marijuana for the first time in my life as an escape, and getting carried away with some of the political crap I was into at the time. In other words, I was trying to infuse my otherwise bleak life and experience of being cruelly betrayed with an epic and empowering adventure. I still believe in that sense of triumph over tragedy. I see that my self esteem and resourcefulness is inextinguishable and that it threatens the expectations my enemies seem to have of me; expectations that I am supposed to fall depressed as a result of making my identity revolve around having a boyfriend. Perhaps people hate me for the fact that, deep down, I always acting and thought like a single instead of someone whose future and identity had to fit inside of someone else’s plans and preferences. I want to boycott heterosexual relationships and boycott monogamy and boycott making sex and romance seemingly obligatory. I should not have to be punished and discouraged from simply wanting to be a solitary nerd. I think the coolest version of me is yet to come but many people act like my best years are over and that I should be done with changing myself.
Let me be clear: this is not the kind of style of writing I wish to keep up for much longer. I am hoping that this is the last time I write like I just got out of an abusive relationship for the first time in years. Apparently it is wrong for me to act triumphant and happy alone. I deeply loathe how women especially are expected to always need someone else there with them and how they are supposed to make interpersonal relationships rather than intellectual and creative interests the center of their lives.
I am tired of feeling obliged to be a role model for other people while I am told to stop trying to get other people to notice me. I was hoping that, if I just focus on my own projects and keep developing my websites, other people who genuinely give a fuck about what I create and showcase online will be inspired by my example. I think that having a website is a good way to introduce myself to new people and communities. Sadly, I seem to be living in an anti-technology part of human civilization which seems to regard what I do as criminally self-absorbed. I imagine that some of the red necks bullying me with psychotronic harassment want me to feel that I do not deserve to have a computer and that I deserve to be punished for preferring to use my laptop to sitting around the kitchen table to live, love, and laugh like I am a piece of cardboard in someone else’s trite commercial.
I condemn those who seem to do little more than preside over other people instead of focusing on their own interests (other than stalking and harassing other people). One of the hardest parts about my life is the sense that there is no “safe word” which I can use to get people to stop harassing me. I get the sense that no one else in my life seriously has to be intruded upon, lied to, teased, and bullied to the extent I have. I think that there are people who genuinely hate me for having a sense of masculine pride in my intellectual prowess so much that those people have tried to diminish my verbal ability because they know I take pride in my ability to speak and to write well. I get the sense that many others prefer I self medicate with food and drugs instead of engage in my creative and intellectual pursuits out of jealousy and wanting to make a crime of personal development because to focus on enriching oneself is stealing from the lazy cynical bums who feel stolen from just because you have something more profound and rewarding to think about than what they waste their brain cells on.
What will happen when all the problems of human civilization are solved?
I do not think there will ever be an end to problems for humanoid civilization to deal with. As civilization becomes more advanced, so will its problems. Even if all the problems were somehow resolved, humanoids would have to grapple with existential problems such as handling uncertainty and paradox.
Anyway, what I want to say before my laptop shuts down on me again (seemingly when I type too hard) is that a woman is supposed to dwell on social justice issues and psychology (especially from the standpoint of a victim) while a man is allowed (unlike her) to study calculus, physics, philosophy, computation, and other cool systems-thinking subject matter while she has to be stopped a lot more frequently to be reminded that she is supposed to focus more on her superficial appearance and how she appears to others while being told that she is an imposter for having masculine interests. That’s how the patriarchy has been treating me as a female bodied human who identifies as transmasculine but who is rarely addressed with its preferred name and pronouns possibly because the patriarchy seems to reign supreme where I live.
A woman is treated like a man who is not allowed to grow up nor see the world. A man is treated like he is a very important person and that the world is his to explore and master. A man is allowed to enjoy jokes and horse play and to have actual fun (and have actual friends with actual interests). A woman is supposed to be too uneducated and sheltered to have real world interests and she is supposed to be easily offended and very boring, prone to hysterics, and to be regarded as fundamentally lacking in logical reasoning ability. Yada yada. I am sick of the pink and blue crap. The infantile patriarchy mongers have so little to be proud of and so little to do other than be abusive bullies that I think they obsess over women just to have someone “inferior” to them to bully and to use as a distraction; a living pillow for his precious penis to cum into as if her only purpose is to wait for him to use her while she has no life outside of waiting on him like a stupidly loyal dog. AJP said he was a dog person more than a cat person. Go figure! Dog people need to hold another animal captive to feel complete. My cat does not have to be kept in a cage. I frankly think dog owners are a bit pathological. I think cat people are more evolved.
Anyway, I hope this is the last paragraph I write which is part of a what I consider to be a “low quality” journal entry. I would love for tomorrow to be the start of a new day and the first day of a the remainder of my life in which that remainder is filled with much more “high quality” content (i.e. the stuff I feel is genuinely worthy of my time rather than stuff I feel is a waste of my time). I can sense that the people near by are grouchy and impatient with me for taking my time with this last tabloid style journal entry. I figure those painful twats want me to do everything in a haste and to dwell on trivial and sensationalist trifles instead of the more information-dense and cool stuff I think those bitchy little ninnies are too narcissistic and brain damaged from culturally induced brain damage to appreciate without making a big ugly scene about it. Those twats are the reason some schools ban women and why some monasteries ban women. Maybe you ladies are best relegated to the bedroom; the only place you seem to be remotely useful. You pigs have no place in academia nor in anything which is not about being a parasitic spawn point for screaming, crying twat fruit. If I help to disgust people away from wanting to be traditional women, so be it. I hope that femininity (unless it is some kind of sexual role play or drag show) is obsolete and exposed for the sham it is. You ladies look and act like little kids but without the innocence nor wit. I am tired of you caterwauling about your obsolesce. It’s not my fault you are too shallow to engage your mind in anything. It’s not my fault you are too fragile to stay physically fit. It’s not my fault you are too easily discouraged by other people’s words to venture out into the world alone and to make a name for yourself which is not about piggy backing off someone else’s success. Boycott marriage! If you cunts want a baby, join a commune or be a single parent. Let them have welfare checks. Let them have safe little abodes to live in. But make their kids have to go to a brick and mortar school so that those kids don’t turn into brainwashed abused slaves to whoever their deadbeat whore of a mom is.
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