KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_362
The tweet which is depicted in the screenshot image which is displayed on this web page has been deleted by karbytes within a minute of publishing it.
This rather cryptic note is more for the FTMs and not as much for the Ms.
At present my beard is not robust enough to enable me to convincingly pass for a male (M). Hence, I settle for being called some lady with relatively high testosterone. I seem to be the only person in my life who seriously approves of me continuing to stay on the T (testosterone injections once every 2 weeks). Hence, I might as well not mention anything about the fact that I voluntarily am on the T and have a masculine-androgynous gender identity. (Even on job application forms I have gotten the hint that I will get penalized unless I use my legal name only, my legal sex only, and not as to be referred to by “preferred” name nor gender pronouns)).
I saw my dad driving down the street today after I was leaving my mom’s house and feeling high strung because of the noises the thought police were sending me and, much more importantly, because people nearby (I was trying to enjoy myself smoking weed, drinking coffee, and filling out job applications in the backyard) were honking their car horns and making snarky remarks which disrupted my domestic tranquility and caused me to think that those others wanted to torture me off the premises so that I would not be a threat to their domestic tranquility. I was mad over how it seemed that I was only allowed to take jobs which seem more ideal for my dad (or for my dad’s ideal of me) than for actual me. I was feeling stressed out, disgusted, and resentful at feeling coerced into being a bimbo on display for the general public to torment; for having to be excessively concerned with how I look and sound to others; for having to be an extrovert when I would rather be more of an introvert (but not to a dysfunctional extent (and I really do enjoy socializing with people at times but not when I feel disrespected by someone in my vicinity)). My dad slowed down his car even as I pretended not to know him. I think he was being quite forcefully demanding that I cheerfully acknowledge his presence right then and there even though I was assuming he knew that I was feeling uncomfortable and did not want to stop walking nor stop to talk with anyone. Well, if I slighted my dad by continuing to ignore him, I suppose that the girl version of me is supposed to feel guilty as fuck and spend hours obsessing over it and calling to explain my bad behavior as “PMS” (i.e. a lady’s characteristic cranky period before her menstruation phase of her menses cycle (and I think “PMS” (i.e. “pre-menstrual syndrome”) is mostly a culturally reinforced phenomenon than a biological one as well as a convenient way to trivialize a female’s discontent)). Meanwhile, the guy version of me quickly forgets such incidents and feels genuinely unapologetic about refusing to back down when he has something he cares about doing. He doesn’t let other people boss him around. He doesn’t act like a submissive whore. Instead, he acts like his time is too valuable to be so casual about giving away.
Also, unlike an F, an M does not need to make a big deal about AUTONOMY. An F seems to always, by definition, be pleading for her fellow Ms (and Fs) to grant her bodily and mental autonomy; the right and the ability to exercise free will and to have primary ownership over her own body and mind. Meanwhile, the M in me rolls its eyes and prefers to wax philosophical (and scientific) over the notion that free will is entirely an illusion and an emergent property of more rudimentary and deterministic processes.
As far as karbytes can tell, this entire website has at least one prevailing theme: karbytes goal-oriented journey from being obsessed with having control over itself and its life to being obsessed with scientific and technological achievements. The starting point of that journey is supposedly more frustrating, wasteful, and banal than is the most recent point.
Even if everything karbytes accomplishes and acquires is ultimately destroyed due to entropy, death, and other factors, karbytes nevertheless endeavors to consistently continue working to achieve its scientific and technological goals (especially as a website developer and digital content creator) because doing so makes karbytes’ first-person experience of life quality much more satisfying and rich with informational detail than it would be if karbytes was less cerebral and more relegated to being a subhuman animal.
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It should be noted that this journal entry was written in a haste. It’s not what karbytes considers to be a “high quality” journal entry. Instead, it is what karbytes considers to be a “survival mode checkpoint” journal entry; something that karbytes (the ego) writes in order to make itself feel more secure and more in control of itself and its life. (I mean to imply that no one necessarily did anything to intentionally annoy me nor to intentionally inconvenience me today. Instead, what I mean to suggest is that I prematurely jumped to conclusions using scant evidence to support my habitual persecution complex which is a sort of defense mechanism; not a well-thought out, emotionally-neutral, and rational proof).
This web page was last updated on 15_MAY_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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