I think that my father has been doing things over the past few years (and especially recently within the past two weeks) to be psychologically abusive to me. He seems to deliberately get in my personal space in ways which feel almost like sexual harassment, he removes items from the pantry I look forward to consuming which look like there should have been plenty of to last for at least a week longer, he hides Brea the cat in his car and “abducts” her and blocks her cat door (especially after I show extra interest in her), he removed the cymbals from one drum set in his house so that only one full drum set is ever set up in his house (seemingly so that I’m not allowed to play the drums when he’s playing the drums out of town), I have been hearing him talking about me in derogatory ways to other people in the house about how I’m supposed to be the idiot who gets harassed more than everyone else, and he acts offended whenever I do anything technical or skill based which I have a modicum of pride in. I think he is too cowardly and borderline personality disordered to formally evict me from his house so he did something arguably worse: make a full time job out of trying to gaslight me into being permanently destitute, underemployed, and homeless. I cannot say that my mom is much better to me other than the fact that she regularly gives me a fixed amount of money (i.e. typically $40 per day) and my mom does not seem to be as much of a childish and self-centered basket case as my dad is. I am disgusted that his nasty ego has rubbed off on me so much. It’s fucking ugly. I will excuse my dad is senile and mentally ill from not having much of a life outside of being a full-time homemaker for the past three plus decades. I am afraid that I also cannot comfortably live in Castro Valley where my current legal address is because too many residents there think I’m a bad person who needs to be gotten rid of or treated as a wayward villain in need of ongoing and severe punitive treatment (because some of them still demand hundreds of dollars more from me for only about $400 worth of damage total from keying a car in retaliation from what I thought was other people trying to pick a fight with me in public on my way home from a stressful event and that incident happened more than two years ago and I already served over two weeks in prison for that little scratch and paid the owner of that vehicle over $900 that year). I think there happen to be a lot of people in that region of the world who believe I deserve to be tortured, abused, neglected, exploited, and pushed to my breaking point again and again (even though they probably know at some level that all they are doing is perpetuating violence and hatred rather than helping to mitigate it (to the extent that I think such people are collectively addicted to never-ending warfare and strife)). I also get treated like a criminal for walking instead of driving in that part of the world. I think people in that part of the world are a chronically miserable and uptight bunch who get all up in arms over me having a good time instead of being uptight and miserable like they are. I’m just sharing these rather petty and petulant melodramatic writings to get it off my chest and so I don’t feel that I am betraying myself by not sharing what I feel socially pressured and bullied into not sharing. I apparently am never supposed to say anything denigrating about those who provide for me financially or who treat me as someone other than an unwelcome stranger. Apparently I do not act apologetic and crippled by rejection, embarrassment, and depression enough. Apparently my preference to stay irreverent, self affirming, and willing to be critical of people is not okay with the tyrants who preside over where I would otherwise be right now instead of hiding in the streets many miles away because I am trying to recover my war ravished mind enough to get some clear and productive thinking done before the next round of “covert” warfare begins. Oh and I am getting physically harmed (but not in any way which is illegal). My house is filled with toxic residual cigarettes smoke because it’s my dad’s house and whoever lives there has to suffer the consequences of second-hand smoking and the vast majority of people around me shamelessly drive gasoline guzzling cars which fills the atmosphere with toxic chemicals which damage my body and which damage the ecosystems and climate systems which I also depend on for survival. I can tell that such people are too set in their ways to take serious action towards mitigating their harmful environmental impact even if it jeopardizes their own children and potential grandchildren’s welfare and even survival. What I see are slovenly, greedy, and imperialist pigs demanding to consume far more resources than most other households do around the world (even in comparatively advanced first-world countries such as Finland) because that’s what Americans (God’s favorite people) do. I have gotten things thrown at me in the streets by angry people driving past me and such. I am lucky I have not gotten seriously beaten up yet. I hope I never do get seriously violently assaulted by other people. I will try my best to be on my best behavior even if others are not on theirs (though I will probably “snap” if provoked to a certain extent). I won’t try “too hard” to be a paragon of virtue and restraint when others are antagonistic and sadistic bullies.
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