KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_331
The main reason I generally do not use either one of my parents’ houses as a place to study, code, or do art work is because I think there are people obsessively stalking me within close proximity in such places (at almost all times) who also seem to want to monitor my thoughts without telling me that is what they are doing and also, to subject me to psychological torture via covert sonic harassment in order to prevent me from being able to enjoy working inside my own home. I believe other people know this is happening and approve that is happening and that such people deliberately treat me like a crazy person or as someone who deserves to be undermined as “punishment” for not being more compliant with their wishes. (Apparently, such people think that I should be routinely experiencing more hardship than I think is necessary because such people seem to not know what to do with themselves unless they have some kind of adversity to “humble brag” about being forced to contend with). Also, because I pride myself on being as autonomous and self-sufficient as possible, I think I get treated worse than most people do (at least within the upper middle class neighborhood my legal residence is located inside of) because a person’s eligibility to be treated in a favorable manner is a function of how popular and supported by other people that person is.
I know from ample trial and error experience that Dublin near the “end of the line” BART station is generally a sufficiently decent place for me to sleep and work on the aforementioned hobbies (but such a “hangout venue” is far more austere and exposed to people, humidity, and other relatively chaotic environmental conditions than is my room in my house in my neighborhood). I have gotten rather unhappy feedback from other people in that area about my “performance” as a low-caste member of their “home owners association” though such feedback was indirect, unexpected, vague, and difficult for me to differentiate between the sonic harassment which I have been hearing nonstop from what I think are the police starting in February 2019. I blame those Thought Police for the vast majority of why I feel that my home seems to be a very hostile environment for me in particular while everyone else seems to be treated in a much less unwelcoming and intrusive manner.
Hence, rather than force myself to go back to Dublin right now, I decided it would be better to use some of the “secret hangouts” which are within an hour’s walk of where my house is located as a place to Sit Down and Work for several hours (between 2 and 10 hours generally).
I suspect that what I am dealing with is fundamentally an ego clashing problem. It is probably also a problem concerning economic inequality and being scorned for flaunting my relatively good fortune.
What cheers me up is thinking about how artificial intelligence is helping humans accelerate their progress towards goals and become smarter and more efficient than ever before and how younger generations seem to be more ready than all prior generations to capitalize on technology and to promote culturally liberal rather than culturally conservative ideals. (Cultural liberalism pertains to putting as few restrictions on people’s self expression and personal religions as possible. Meanwhile, cultural conservatism pertains to enforcing rigid social conformity and nationalistic loyalty above all else. Those are just my definitions. I generally find politics and sociology to be boring and an obscene waste of time. I’d rather be immersed in creative or intellectual hobbies and practices which make me feel profoundly interconnected with the whole of nature and which enable me to feel a sense of intelligence which transcends that of what humans refer to as capitalism, government, and any particular social institutions which are forged within the constraints of capitalism and government).
Finally, because “the feds” hate self promotion on the Internet so much (probably because they think it looks too much like prostitution and they want to criminalize prostitution), I have to walk around the block uphill just to finish uploading any video I attempt to upload to the Internet whether by using my mobile phone Internet or by using the Wi-Fi router in my house. I do think other humans are deliberately trying to prevent me from being as entrepreneurial as I otherwise could be because, like I said earlier, the people I seem to live next to would rather me be preoccupied with interpersonal conflicts than with minding my own business and doing things which enhances my self esteem (because I am not supposed to have self esteem without other people’s permission and support).
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I went to a place outside my house which is a good temporary hiding spot (because it is part of the huge housing structure getting built next door). It is admittedly easier for me to relax and breathe. (As soon as I wrote that last sentence, a black truck with two people in it pulled up slowly to where I was hiding and then slowly turned around and went back down the street. I will take as additional evidence to support my claim that I am being stealthily monitored at all times to an extent which makes 1984 by George Orwell and The Age of Surveillance Capitalism by Shoshana Zuboff seem mild in comparison to what I seem to be the only person witnessing what I see firsthand as a technocratic pseudo democracy oligarchist military-industrial dictatorship. (Apparently people get very anxious and start mobilizing their big tanks whenever I appear to be thinking “out of line” or doing anything which they think breaks the mold of the tepid caricature I am “supposed to” think is really me rather than some role which I have been tortured and brainwashed into believing is my preferred mode of existence. Hence, I feel that most of my waking life is spent fighting to increase and even just to maintain self sovereignty. I feel that I am “supposed” to be a lot easier to distract and to subdue than I really am. Apparently, I am always a hair’s breadth away from becoming legitimately homeless. I fight with vengeance not to be conned by “the feds” into burning bridges back to comfort, security, and ease which would be unavailable to me if I were banished from my home. I suspect that “the feds” and AJP have formed an alliance against me having a home. I think AJP wants to “punish” me for some past wrongdoing which I did (according to him) or for having more of an affluent start (and current living situation) than what he had. Then again, it could be the case that AJP is not involved in the covert warfare waged against me and that “the feds” are projecting a relatively evil impersonator of AJP so that I get tricked into mistaking the impersonator for the real AJP.
* * *
Some people might be wondering why I am not simply using my mom’s car (which I’ve been borrowing) as a place to use my laptop and to make drawings. I remember in the past doing that and noticing that, as soon as I started making a habit of that, I started getting citations in the mail for unauthorized lodging and I noticed the car “mysteriously” breaking. In summary, I cannot help but assume that most of the things which other people give me and act as the sole proprietors of are given to me as bait in a “bait-and-switch” scam. It is very hard for me to know the difference between innocent, naive small-talk and “playing dumb” as a means to avoid “incriminating” oneself. I generally also prefer to defaulting to “playing dumb” as a means of avoiding interpersonal conflict and of securing my position with respect to society.
Lastly (and perhaps the hardest for me to write), I think that most other people would be a lot more industrious and comfortable than I am given my circumstances. Perhaps I do have some kind of irrational thought pattern which makes me waste my resources and sabotage my goals while no other person is deliberately trying to sabotage my goals. If the previous sentence is true, then there is nothing I need to do other than keep minding my own business and applying for jobs until I am hired. Otherwise, I think that I should live as though the second to last sentence is true.
This web page was last updated on 05_MAY_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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