KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_312
I had the (recurring) thought that I might not experience what I consider to be genuine satisfaction in life until specific individual(s) who I think rejoice in my suffering are dead. One of those people is my mother. Back in 2018 I threw a spoon at the back of her head during a heated argument and recently I got angry enough at her during a heated argument to yell at her and vandalize her property right in front of her (and I seem to lack what most people consider to be appropriate remorse for my actions). While I am grateful for that fact that I exist (and my existence would not be possible without my mother and father having sex and investing resources in my survival and social appropriation following my birth), I think of my mother as some kind of sadistic subhuman animal who has singled me out in particular as someone to derive sadistic pleasure from watching suffer (and I think that she might have no greater joy in life than knowledge of my suffering (which is what makes the difference between me just avoiding my mom and me wanting to kill her (and the more I think any person is obsessed with making me suffer, the more I want to end that person’s existence))). That is why I might as well have murdered my mother (and why I think many people have a vendetta against me: because those people think of me as a murderer who escaped requisite persecution).
Following the most recent fight I had with my mom, I snatched a framed photograph of my mother and her now deceased mother from my mom’s house when she was not looking and lit that photograph on fire such that the particular image I burned might be irretrievably lost. I know how fucked up my words and actions sound to a “normal” person. I am certainly not a “normal” person. (I justified burning that photograph using the thought that there are “plenty” of other photographs of my mom’s mom throughout her house in albums but a part of me is actually quite sad and maybe even quasi-remorseful for burning that image which is unique and probably has no digital backup). This is a lesson to readers of this blog post to digitally backup the media which you most cherish (and save it across multiple servers (and the WayBack Machine especially for media embedded in web pages) because that is the best way I know of to preserve anything at all). Digital artifacts (unlike analog media) can verbatim be transmitted as finite sequences of ones and zeros.
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