KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_305
I do not think my parents support my goals enough especially because they demand that I stay dependent on a petroleum powered van which they own to get around or else suffer being over exposed to environmental pollution, noise, harmful solar radiation, and dangerous or annoying people for hours a day because they refuse to get me a new bicycle which would help cut my commute time and energy expenditure down significantly (by orders of magnitude) and not force me to have to violate my sense of ethics as someone who seriously wants to minimize its harmful environmental impact.
I am physically and mentally worn down and dilapidated from months if not years of having to fight harder than I otherwise would to hold down a job because I spend significantly more time commuting to work and going to extremes to enjoy even a few moments of privacy and quietude. Getting even five hours of sleep seems like an epic battle because I am usually forced to accommodate other people’s schedules while they rarely do the same for me. People generally act like I don’t deserve to get a good night’s sleep on a regular basis and instead seem to want to drive me past my breaking point by intruding upon me when I most feel deprived of personal space and I can tell people derive sadistic pleasure from driving slowly past me or stopping along the road to harass me. It seems that what the people want is to force me to act out violently so that people can justify calling the cops on me and having me incarcerated at a prison or mental hospital and forever after forced to barely survive in destitute circumstances while being prevented from improving my situation because such people intend for me to suffer.
Despite all this I still cannot justify driving my parents’ petroleum powered van. In fact, I might be better off just moving out today and using a homeless shelter as my new default residence address when doing paperwork.
It sure does seem like Republicans rule the world. Otherwise, human civilization would not be decades behind in terms of sustainability and human rights progress. (I am to this day baffled and enraged that almost no human I have ever met seriously seems to mind burning petroleum nor consuming animal products nor keeping animals hostage in cages rather than allowing those animals to roam the world freely. That is why I have basically given up on having human friends. I do not want to have to conform to the ogres around me who seem to be horrifyingly indifferent to the kinds of things I seem to be the only person who is concerned about for miles. I would rather just dismiss such ogres as too stubborn and selfish to appreciate what I have to say nor to honor my even my most urgent requests. There is no point in trying to establish deep and meaningful relationships with people who are ultimately too shallow, petty, small-minded, materialistic, banal, and dumb to care about what I care about. It seems like I am forced to only interact with other people in very shallow, utilitarian, impersonal, and low-pressure (on them) ways (like people are either strangers, enemies, or acquaintances but never actual companions). I abhor the word “community” because, for me, it conjures up images of lazy, uncurioious, smug, cowardly, conformist, unimaginative, intellectually deficient, and anthropocentric (and ethnocentric) pigs who unquestioningly default to complying with the very Republican overlords they claim are screwing them over.
Perhaps it would not be inaccurate to call me a misanthropist (though I think that is a bit of an exaggeration given the fact that I still have plenty of optimism about the future of human civilization to keep me going and knowledge that there do seem to exist a tiny minority of people who really do seem to be worthy of my admiration).
What I am afraid is the deep dark truth for me as of today is that, ever since I was rebranded as a violent criminal and/or crazy person post 2015 by society, I have been permanently banned from being allowed to enjoy a fresh new start or to resume where I left off in 2015 before I dropped out of university, broke up with my partner which I had been intimate with and practically living with for at least five years, and left my software development internship at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory. I have gotten the hint from how other people treat me that I am being forced to pretend that I the highest level of education I ever achieved was a high school diploma and that I have to be treated like I have close to zero job experience.
If I want to do more than just barely survive as a numbed out and placid zombie seemingly content to do the bare minimum to stay alive, I seemingly have to hide my activities from those who want to keep me relegated to such a desolate way of life and vacancy of soulfulness. Even though I am afraid that I especially have zero privacy and am not allowed to keep any of my Internet activities anonymous, it might be a good idea for me to upload content to private GitHub repositories. Then again, I am afraid that if I do that, someone will hack my GitHub account and tamper with that “private” data. That is why I generally make all of my notes public; however polished they are because I am afraid that if I do not make those notes public and back them up to the WayBack Machine, someone will try to remove my content from the Internet. More than 90% of my legacy is digital and web-based. I do not intend to leave much in the way of material assets for other people to inherit if I die. I intend for whatever I have published online and saved to the WayBack Machine to remain online permanently. That is my dying wish and last request of humanity. I hope someone other than just myself cares about what I just said and is willing to help preserve the collection of digital artifacts I (karbytes) have worked so hard to amass online. (Nevertheless, I am plagued my the sense that people generally are indifferent at best to what I say online and even go out of their way to make sure I feel ignored, neglected, ostracized, and subject to cruel treatment).
This web page was last updated on 25_APRIL_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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