Perhaps I am being constantly psychologically tortured, stalked, stolen from, set up to fail, repeatedly re-traumatized, censored, and force-fed propaganda designed to make me too fearful and hopeless about my future to do much more than spend the vast majority of my time and energy trying not to harm myself and others. Such circumstances does not make it easy for me to feel accomplished because I am unable to feasibly accomplish my personal goals (which means I have to adjust to my new reality of not being able to do much more than passively withstand constant excruciating torment and cruelty in silence and isolation and while knowing that other people are not able to put an end to such abuse). Maybe I should kill myself. There is no guarantee that the websites I have created will be accessible to the general public online even though I did the best I could to back up every web page I have published to the WayBack Machine at the Internet Archive multiple times before I expect I may be compelled to commit suicide (and perhaps the only thing keeping me from wanting to rush to the end of my life is knowing that I my website pages have not been saved enough times for me to feel confident that each of those resources is “permanently” embedded in the annals of Archive dot Org such that those resources will almost certainly be publicly available following my death).

I think most human beings are profoundly unhappy (especially if their happiness depends on having long-term interpersonal relationships with other humans) even while pretending not to be as they look for ways to distract themselves from that fact. I think it is much easier to be happy if one values the pursuit of truth over anything else (including comfort, completing artistic masterpieces, traveling the world, having pleasurable experiences, having satisfying interpersonal exchanges, and maintaining a high level of physical health and fitness).

I see humans as being more intelligent than reptiles but not necessarily kinder. In fact, I think that humans’ relatively advanced intellect grants them the ability to be more deliberately sadistic than most other animals (and I see human generosity as nothing more than a coldly mechanistic means to the end of giving the provider of benevolence a sense of control and importance while the result of the recipients benefiting is secondary and only a means to that end).

What I have to say in this journal entry is not necessarily comforting. In fact, I think it is very unsettling and I think it may be used as justification to commit suicide and maybe even to harm others or to break societal rules of conduct in order to appease one’s hedonistic cravings. I am sharing this journal entry with the World Wide Web because I think it is a step towards helping humanity achieve a deeper knowledge of what is true (and my highest aim in life is to pursue as accurate and as comprehensive understanding of nature as possible while all other aims are secondary at best).

I suppose this journal entry is also being written in order to prepare myself for the “worst case scenario” of being held hostage in a basement where I am tortured for a relatively long time (if not for the rest of my life). Such a scenario could be literally be a form of hell because there is no relief from constant excrutiating suffering and a sense that I am unable to make progress towards any goals other than a rather narrow glimpse into truth itself. That is not much to be proud of. That is not something I would want to prolong. If that is where I end up and I have the opportunity to opt for physician assisted suicide, I would most likely choose physician assisted suicide to terminate that passage of suffering which seems to provide zero personal meaning for me. (I most likely would not attempt to commit suicide inside of a prison because I am afraid that I would lack the tools necessary to make the suicide quick, painless, and effective. My current preferred method of “do it yourself” suicide is falling off of a tall cliff in Yosemite National Park and making it look like an accident).

As a result of being so severely tortured to the point that making even a modicum of progress towards my goals seems to cost me a fortune in terms of time, energy, and retaliatory resistance from my legally ordained stalkers and bullies, I may have to settle for having no goal in life other than meditating. That means that I might not get around to building any more software applications, publishing any notes about what I have learned as a result of studying rigorous STEM (Science Technology Engineering Mathematics) disciplines, traveling the world, doing more psychedelics, making more friends, getting any more jobs, and even being fit and healthy. I might only get to be chronically miserable, sickly, poor, friendless, jobless (or at least underemployed), deprived of the right to pursue intellectually rigorous hobbies, deprived of the right to produce artistic masterpieces, and deprived of the right to travel and to have relatively novel and enjoyable experiences. Of course I do not expect people to congratulate me nor want to get to know me if that is the case since I would be seen by them as a “lost cause” who is awkwardly painful and pitiful to have to be in the presence of; someone whose greatest contribution to society may be to disappear and take up as little of other people’s time, attention, and money as possible. If that is the case, I would have no other occupation than meditation (and meditation is observing the contents of my own field of awareness such as thoughts and sensory throughput (which may provide at least a modicum of enjoyment for me)). If I am not allowed to derive enjoyment from meditation, then I would say that my life is no longer worth living (according to me). Just because I feel my life is not worth living does not mean I will be granted the right to change my circumstances such that my life becomes what I consider to be worth living or else to end my life.

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