KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2023_ENTRY_293
The following note was compiled by karbytes while karbytes was spending time at its own house and in its own room (which is unusual given the fact that karbytes has been spending most of its time outside of Castro Valley for the past few years). Allegedly, karbytes was avoiding spending time in its home town (i.e. Castro Valley, California, United States of America) because karbytes was accustomed to getting bullied by thought police who use “mind control” and “mind reading” technologies to keep karbytes in relatively destitute circumstances so that karbytes is easier to dismiss as insane and criminal (and so that karbytes is easier to control and prevent from “having it too good”). It appears that whoever wants to stop karbytes from making use of its resources believes that karbytes deserves to be incarcerated, assaulted, censored, ostracized, stolen from, diminished (in terms of health and productivity), lied to, setup to fail and to feel violated, made to feel socially isolated in a hostile universe, and erased from human civilization. Why would anyone want to eradicate, diminish, or otherwise torture karbytes? Several years ago karbytes committed crimes such as petty theft, vandalism, and domestic violence. Also, karbytes has disclosed “too much information” according to the thought police who think that people need to be much more private and withholding of their honest thoughts and feelings than karbytes typically is.
One of the voices which I most frequently hear while using my room at my legal address (especially during the day) is a chronically angry, incessantly whining, ad hominem attack spewing, siren-like wailing, poutily muttering, bratty princess child prostitute in heat whimpering and plaintive mooing, and zealously focused on making sure that “she” is always the center of attention. I think she is vehemently opposed to having sufficient free time to enjoy my hobbies and to engage in deep, meaningful, and potentially counter-cultural introspection. Most of what she says sounds like a little kid telling me to stop doing something that I am not even doing. When I ask her questions she almost always responds with a non sequitur and proceeds to recycle the same trite and didactic sounding “pigisms” at me. I have often in the past dismissed her as an abusive whore and lazy gold digger who would rather spend all her time trying to reduce me to her lowly status than to elevate herself through personal development activities. She seems to be vehemently opposed to anyone (especially me) pursuing a lifelong education, enjoyable fitness routine, and almost any job I apply for (or think about prospectively applying for in the future). Whenever I do take some kind of part-time job, she complains incessantly that the job either does not provide enough money or else the job either takes up too much time or else not enough time. Perhaps I should pretend to interview her (because the real her basically refuses to have a calm, respectful, and rational adult-to-adult conversation with me)…
piggy_princess_whore: “When are you gonna get a job?”
karbytes: “Provided that I keep applying for jobs via Indeed dot com and attending interviews, accepting contigent job offers, and going through the background check screening processes in order to be approved to start working at the respective jobs, I expect to get a job within three months.”
piggy_princess_whore: “You’re only allowed to be a little kid. You’re only allowed to focus on your face. Stop ogling at yourself! No one wants to listen to you. Bye Karlina! Get over yourself.”
karbytes: “Thank you for your feedback.”
piggy_princess_whore: “Stop talking. Stop being so self important. Stop moving your mouth. Why is your mouth moving? It’s all about the face. Leave me alone! You’re not allowed to have a life outside the home.”
karbytes: “I disagree with the last thing you said. I have been spending most of my time outside the home for the past three years and I have held down jobs during that time. Also, I have been able to devote many hours per week to building my websites and constituent software and multimedia files. All this time I have had 24/7 access to my legal address but you seem to get very agitated whenever I take advantage of the fact that I have a house to go to where I can wash my clothes, take a shower, take a shit, use my laptop computer with (mostly functional) Internet access, receive physical mail, and even spend time in an opaque room with curtains I can draw closed over the window to increase my sense of privacy and a door which closes. I assume you have a housing unit to live in and that you are not happy that I am not as unprepared as you are to get evicted, live as a nomad, travel by foot, and speak lucidly and honestly when people ask me questions. It is only recently (i.e. within the past week) that I have felt ready to graduate from spending most of my time living outside and to start taking advantage of the resources I have at my disposal instead of squandering me like you seem to demand I do.”
piggy_princess_whore: “You seem to have more free time than most people do. I do not like that you get so much time to do your own thing. That is why the police set you up to be stalked and harassed by me. The police think you ought to be making more sacrifices than you currently are to earn your keep. Otherwise, you risk making other people envious to the extent that they want to hurt you (police included).”
karbytes: “I think you lie a lot. Even if you are right that other people want to hurt me in retaliation for having more free time than they have, I still think that it goes against my hard-won sense of personal ethics to allow myself to be bullied by other people into relinquishing my free time and otherwise lowering my perceived quality of life just to avoid getting abused by jealous, insecure, and violent people like you seem to be a cuck to. That’s why I always prioritize my health and my web empire management over having any job. No matter how hard I try to not get fired from a particular job, there is no guarantee that I can prevent my termination from that job. By contrast, as long as I have some kind of personally meaningful hobby to work on during my free time, I will never be without a sense of purpose and I will always have a something to do which gives me a sense of accomplishment and pleasure. I am trying to fine-tune my life such that I can continue living indefinitely as a kidult who has smaller-than-average living expenses (because I am easy to please, prefer to be a loner, and endeavor to keep my harmful ecological impact as minuscule as possible). It makes rational sense to me that I would be happier, healthier, less stressed, and more intellectually and artistically developed than most people seem to be (by your accord). There is no need for me to sacrifice what I think is too much of my free time and intellectual/creative freedom in exchange for earning more money than I really need. People who do that seem to be willing to make such a sacrifice because what they value more than being a kidult is supporting a spouse, kids, and relatively lavish expenses such as big cars, big houses, expensive vacations, and other purchases which I personally think are frivolous.”
piggy_princess_whore: “Stop talking about yourself so much. Finished?”
karbytes: “Finished with what?”
piggy_princess_whore: “Stop talking about yourself. Stop complaining that you are only allowed to go outside.”
karbytes: “You are being irrational (as usual). I wish you would stop following me around, breathing down my neck, and trying to sabotage my enjoyment of life. You do not seem to take no for an answer. You act like a rapist.”
piggy_princess_whore: “Stop ogling at your brain. I’m not just hear to play piggy princess. You need a girl friend in order to get a job.”
karbytes: “I never had a girlfriend in my life and all the jobs I recently had were when I was single. (For the record, I intend to remain single, childless, and minimalist as possible. I probably will own several bicycles but zero cars. I will probably live with my parents for years rather than bust my ass to pay for an apartment I hardly get to use. While living with my parents, I intend to take advantage of the fact that I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and enjoy its many perks such as cultural diversity, wilderness access, drug decriminalization, technophilic community, ample job opportunities, and ecologically friendly commute methods (especially Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART)).”
piggy_princess_whore: “Shut up!”
karbytes: “Why don’t you?”
piggy_princess_whore: “You made me feel bad. Imma get Big Guns Daddy to beat your ass in on my behalf. Daddy! Daddy! Make Karlina pay for what she did to me.”
karbytes: “What did I do to you (and my preferred name is no longer Karlina. It is karbytes or Kar)?”
piggy_princess_whore: “Stop ogling at yourself in the mirror. It’s not okay to be so opposed to being a girl friend. You have to be someone’s girlfriend in order to get a job. Otherwise you look too much like a rape victim.”
karbytes: “I understand you have some kind of worldview but, to me, it seems contradictory and arcane compared to my worldview. I am not going to try to accommodate your worldview especially how little you try to accommodate mine.”
piggy_princess_whore: “Get over yourself! You think women cannot think for themselves? Blah blah blah. I don’t wanna hear it.”
Alas having a coherent dialogue with piggy_princess_whore is futile. She was designed to be a troll by whoever created her (if she is not human). If she is human, I assume that she lives in a penthouse as some kind of trophy girlfriend to whoever Big Guns Daddy is (and that he is her pimp). I can still hear her whining shrilly like a mosquito in the background now. I think she is addicted to being a fussy, colicky baby who wants to keep picking fights and escalating those fights as a means to prevent me from having more fun than she wants me to have (because she would rather sabotage those she is envious of than work to achieve the things she wants in life which I either worked to achieve or else acquired without much intentional effort on my part). I also hear her making hissing and lip smacking noises like her piggy mouth is mere centimeters away from my eardrums. The sounds she makes are generally mournful, pent-up sounding, passive aggressive as fuck, and irritatingly soft spoken. Sometimes it sounds like she is softly and slowly yelling without using her vocal chords (but I can tell from the sounds she makes that she has a tiny throat and child-sized skull).
Sigh…on a more positive note, I do seem to just now be getting used to that brat whore’s incessant and unpleasant commentary as just another background stimulus in my field of my awareness. Meanwhile, things which I think are far more deserving of my time and attention are taking up more of my attention span (especially now that I am not wasting so many of my cognitive resources trying to concentrate on stuff which piggy_princess_whore wants me to not focus on as a result of spending more time doing my work indoors instead of outdoors where I am prone to information overload due to having to keep my guard up in case someone tries to attack me or otherwise interrupt me while I am in a relatively vulnerable position). Though I was able to get Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com and this website (i.e. Karbytes For Life Blog dot WordPress dot Com) established and “production ready” during the past two years and while spending most of my time living outside, I feel ready to move on from that standard of living and, instead, spend significantly more time using my room at my legal residence as a place to work on my computer. While in my room, I generally sit on a plastic orange chair inside of my closet because that is where I am able to get decent enough cell phone reception (and I use my phone to establish an Internet connection by tethering my laptop to my phone using a USB-C cable). The house Wi-Fi signal is too weak to be functional in this part of the house. Hence, I tend to do my Internet binges (i.e. video streaming, large file uploads, and large file downloads) outside in the yard close the Wi-Fi router (preferably between the hours of 9PM and 1AM (but that may change in order to accommodate my work schedule once I start working at my next part-time job)).
Aha! I caught piggy_princess_whore protesting a lot in response to me saying that I only intend to work a part-time job instead of working a full-time job like she seems to implicitly demand I do. I think she simply does not want me to have time to do the things which give me a sense of unique identity, creative autonomy, shared interests with other people (beyond merely going through the motions of holding down a job and ingratiating oneself to other people to the extent that one becomes resentful, stagnant, and helplessly dependent on other people’s approval and cooperation to make any moves at all), and, lastly but not least, the ability to relax and refresh myself on a daily basis instead of running myself ragged due to sleep deprivation, being overstimulated from a lack of privacy, and chronically physically uncomfortable as a result of having to spend so much time exposed to relatively extreme weather conditions and other environmental disturbances and health hazards. I can hear piggy_princess_whore scoffing at me thinking about doing yoga or meditation or anything else that I have an interest in including in my lifestyle which I think enhances my sense of connection to nature, pleasure from inhabiting my own body, and optimism about the future (because the “holistic” mind-body practices I would do on a more regular basis seem to promote living in harmony with other creatures, being attuned to what my senses are telling me, and communicating in an honest, constructive, solutions-oriented, non-judgmental, open-minded, curious, and uplifting manner (though I also love talking irreverently at times and broaching subject matter which some people may find uncomfortable to think about and engaging in “dark humor” because doing so is fun for me and whoever my target audience and conversation partners are)).
I anticipate that some people (and not just piggy_princess_whore) will go out of there way to try to sabotage my lifestyle goals because such people are ideologically opposed to such goals. I find it helpful to remind myself that reality is fundamentally anarchist rather than in subjugation to any particular ideology. Hence, rather than try to change other people’s minds and rather than try to retaliate against whoever my enemies are, I tell myself that the humans I encounter are mere apes attempting to preserve their sense of self and socioeconomic security seemingly at the cost of being what I consider to be sufficiently logical, empathic, and innovation-promoting. While such apes squawk and try to stir up loud, violent, and attention-garnering riots, I try to avoid interacting with such people and, instead, keep working on my hobbies (which help put my attention on less depressing subject matter than what those apes seem to be embroiled in). I do so at the risk of being ostracized, censored, stolen from, and otherwise inconvenienced (because many people seem to think that I am being isolationist and elitist rather than willing to lower myself to understand the predicament of people who are apparently less fortunate than I am). I consider what I do to be sufficiently charitable (though I doubt many other human apes would agree with me because they seem to think that the price of being able to have a house to live in, a job to pay for my expenses, and other people to rely on for various purposes is that I suffer at least as much as those human apes do).
I decided to add a few more thoughts to this journal entry before I publish it on the World Wide Web…
I understand that people who grew up in more destitute circumstances than what I grew up in have likely had to work much harder than I have and suffer more than I have in order to achieve the same level of success and well-being which I have. Compared to those who grew up in “the ghetto”, I got to spend most of my life (especially my childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood) in relatively clean, safe, and beautiful environments (which meant that I got to spend more time immersed in “high culture” (i.e. fine arts, high quality education, expensive hobbies which only geeks seem to enjoy) and less time worrying about my physical safety than those who grew up in “the ghetto” did). For that reason, I claim that, no matter what I do, I will never be able to understand what it is like being someone who was raised in “the ghetto” unless I reincarnate as one of those people. Therefore, rather than attempt to represent such people and to be their advocates, I would rather serve humanity by doing the best I can at what I enjoy and am good at. In particular, I enjoy and am good at writing and published web pages, software, and multimedia (i.e. digitally enhanced drawings, music, et cetera). What I do “for a living” (outside of working a part-time or even full-time job to pay my bills and such) is create digital content (which I license as open source) and to make that content freely available on the World Wide Web. What I do “for a living” does not necessarily make me money (though I have installed a PayPal donation hyperlink and Patreon hyperlink on the home pages of my personal websites in the hopes that, eventually, people will become patrons of my work (i.e. donate money to me in order to support for my creative endeavors)). What I do “for a living” feels like answering a call from God (even though I am technically atheist or, more precisely, a proponent of panpsychism).
What I just wrote in the previous paragraph is all fine and dandy except for the fact that it seems to ignore things which I wrote in previous journal entries: the idea that whatever is experienced subjectively was essentially chosen by the beholder of such phenomena. The implications of what I said include suggesting that every rape victim chose to be raped and that every person who grew up in “the ghetto” chose to start its life in such circumstances. Am I implicitly suggesting that such people are more masochistic than I am? Well, yeah. I do like to entertain the idea that all mortal beings go through indefinitely many cycles of reincarnation (either as the same being reliving the same life or as a different person each life time). With that conceptualization of reincarnation comes the idea that karmic debt is accumulated and/or paid off depending on what a mortal being “chooses” to do while appearing to itself to have a non-trivial degree of agency.
(I hear piggy_princess_whore protesting quite aggressively again. “Stop mowing at your face,” and, “When are you gonna be a regular person,” are some of the things I heard her say. Rather than get snagged in that brat’s petulant and anti-productive taunts, I will mention something important about why I am not in a rush to move out of my parents’ house and rent my own apartment: I think that I will not have a significantly better standard of living if I move out into my own apartment (and spend more time than I want to working merely to pay for a housing unit which is overpriced and unnecessary given that I have a relatively permanent and rent-free place to live for the foreseeable future), I decided that paying rent for my own overpriced Bay Area apartment is akin to flushing over a thousand dollars (and perhaps thousands of dollars) per month down the toilet just so that I can have an extra cush hangout spot when I could otherwise be saving that money for something which I consider to be a more worthwhile investment such as traveling, taking classes, and buying myself toys and gear which I could not otherwise afford. Like I said earlier in this journal entry, I am trying to be a good role model to society at large for what a high-functioning kidult is. Of course many people would say that I am failing to “pay my dues” unless I plan to have kids someday because only by giving birth to offspring am I guaranteeing that there will be someone to replace me after I become “too old” to contribute to society (which might never actually happen; especially if I keep doing things which I think are worthwhile every day instead of just complaining about how miserable my life is and how I cannot wait to die)).
I will add one last comment which elaborates on the last sentence of the previous paragraph: perhaps most (if not all) humans are implicitly required to die after a few decades of being born so that (a) a human individual does not get the opportunity to overthrow the prevailing societal norms as a result of learning “too much” about how society operates and then divulging such “classified” information to the general public such that enough people are consequently “woke” and inspired to revolt against the status quo and (b) because whoever the “quality control” authorities are (i.e. the dictators who decide who gets to survive and who has to be killed off) decide that a particular human individual is relatively boring and hard to manipulate compared to the next wave of newly minted humans who are relatively naive, gullible, easily distracted, easily agitated, and easy to control via indoctrination and psychological warfare tactics (while they flop about like angry fish out of water). The newer generations are supposed to make the same mistakes as the older generations did so that the same social justice issues are fought over ad infinitum (or until human civilization goes extinct (perhaps except for a small number of oligarch elitists who have their own secret luxury bunkers to hide in while everyone else perishes so that the survivors of the apocalypse can restart human civilization in their own image)).
I thought I should add one more note about the disembodied voice entity I have referred to as piggy_princess_whore and pig_gorl: I seem to hear her making noises more than 50% of time I am awake and not sleeping and, when I hear her making noises, there are multiple audio tracks of her vocalizations or mouth sounds which overlap each other. When I try to pay attention to one of those tracks, that particular track seems to get cut off abruptly by another track such that there is no sense of pig_gorl finishing her sentences (which looks to me like she wants me to waste my life hanging on her every word waiting for her to get to her fucking point). I know neither what she looks like nor where she is located nor whether or not she is even human. If I knew such details there is apparently too high of a chance of me going out of my way to find her and to beat her up, terrorize her while she hides in her home, or murder her. It should be known that I strongly prefer to avoid getting involved in violent or drama-infested entanglements with other people (but it does seem that, if I am not as hyper vigilant as I am, I would get cornered and “forced” to engage in such squabbles). I imagine that whoever advocates on pig_gorl’s behalf would say something like, “Isn’t it great that pig_gorl can invade your personal space and sabotage your goals in life to the extent that you feel suicidally depressed while you are not allowed to mute her nor to beat her up?” As unsavory as pig_gorl is to me, I would much rather mute her (i.e. block her antagonistic messages from reaching me but not censoring her from being able to express her ideas in more civil ways such as through blogging, making music, or publishing videos of herself making noises on social media) than beat her up (but perhaps I would resort to beating her up or trying to kill her if such an opportunity arose and I thought that the future would play out in my favor if I decided to resort to violently assaulting her. If I did such a thing, I would essentially be saying that my acts of violence are not as unethical as the offenses which pig_gorl has committed against me. Of course I value my happiness more than I value pig_gorl’s happiness. Therefore, it makes sense that I would likely push her off a tall cliff if I got the chance given that pig_gorl seems to be seriously threatening my will to live. I have a strong sense of righteous indignation about how I have been treated. I believe that I should do whatever it takes to be happy and that anyone who gets in my way deserves to be obliterated if they refuse to get out of my way).
(Another thing which pig_gorl frequently does is make passive-aggressive comments in an aloof and fake-cheerful sing-song voice in a breathy, angelic tone much like how some young women sound when they talk to babies or other small, neonatal looking creatures which can easily be physically overpowered by those women. It’s like those women are gloating about having someone to lord over in compensation for feeling so small, helpless, and powerless within the confines of the patriarchy they settled for being a slave to and proponent of. If I could translate what pig_gorl sounds like when she is in that sing-song phase, it would be something like: “I am gloating over the fact that I have more power than you do in this situation and that I get to ruin your life but you cannot ruin mine because, unlike you, I am protected from harm. Also, no one cares that you feel violated by me. That’s because other people generally side with me against you rather than the other way around. Ha ha! That’s what you get for offending those I represent. You deserve to be ganged up on and tortured and driven to harm yourself and others because of things you say, think, and do which we are envious of or offended by. That’s right. We have the right to hit you but you do not ever have the right to hit us. Get it? It’s because we are wimmin (and wimmin are protected by law as being implicitly disabled and childlike for the entire duration of their lives). Men are supposed to take more damage than wimmin and wimmin are entitled to take their anger out on men without being punished for it because, let’s face it, wimmin do the establishment the biggest favor in the world: stunting their individualistic growth in favor of staying dumbed down, physically weak, and always in a subservient position with respect to the patriarchy in exchange for getting provided for by someone who has to always work harder than she does and take more damage than she does while she stays at home in his house and bares and raises his offspring.”).
This web page was last updated on 21_APRIL_2023. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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