Apparently I forgot that my laptop was on since approximately 3PM today (because I was distracted while ordering a print job for a pre-employment urine drug test screening packet to pick up at a UPS store while I was on the BART train). I am pleased to see that the battery seems to have barely drained since then and that my laptop seems to be working without issues at least 95% of the time I use it. (Sometimes the graphics will freeze if the laptop is bumped or shaken with sufficient force (and, after such “assault” to the hardware occurs, the operating system tends to not load immediately the first few times I try restarting the laptop).

Today I was offered another job with my favorite Whole Foods Market in Dublin as an afternoon/night stocker for approximately $19/hour. (I think I will be happiest with the FedEx package handler job (which is also afternoons/nights) for approximately $18/hour in the same “karbytes walkable” region as the other job). Depending on background check results and timing, I am likely going to be doing either one of those jobs within the next few weeks.

While in Oakland and throughout Castro Valley today, I consumed several of pieces of the dried shrooms which I bought in Oakland earlier today. The shrooms helped spur my “usual” thoughts but with more directedness and depth into what seems to be really troubling me beneath the guise of some trash talking bigot or, perhaps even more convincing (especially to myself) the guise of someone who has to have very particular expensive and demanding to procure conditions by which to live in order to be what it considers to be adequately happy: karbytes’ intuitive and culturally educated “sense” of having a family of origin, childhood friends, human experiences which take place inside of a “matrix” comprised of apparently immutable laws which deterministically govern how physical phenomena and emergent social phenomena play out being entirely an illusion which my solipsistic mind dreamed up (or dreams up) in order to entertain itself (i.e. “The God Head” which apparently is the origin point and observing frame of reference for all subjective experiences which ever occur throughout all existence) and to, at least while dreaming the dream which is karbytes’ life from the playable character perspective of karbytes, forget that it is not some humanoid named karbytes living on Planet Earth during the advent of the World Wide Web and Artificial Intelligence, but instead, the ageless and immortal creator of and experiencer of all reality.

(The God Head (if it exists) could possibly be (a) having multiple dreams simultaneously and not know that is the case and (b) be aware that it is the one and only generator and experiencer of phenomena from a perspective of relative if not total omniscience).

I found myself feeling some grief for things which used to seem more solid and alive and warm and “real” to me but which I think are likely to be mere figments of my imagination which exist in order to give me the illusion that there is more “stuff” going on “behind the scenes” of whatever qualia I am perceiving than just pure nothingness. In some of my most delusional states (and honestly all the time “in the back of my mind”), I seemingly cannot help but think that all other animals besides me are “philosophical zombies” (i.e. non-sentient information processing machines or, at the very least, complex patterns of phenomena). Of course such a solipsistic worldview is a bit sad, lonely, and most importantly to me, scary. I think I would be able to carry on fine if I somehow knew with 100% certainty that I was the only sentient being throughout all existence. What I seem to have a hard time not worrying about and being inconsolably disturbed by is the possibility that I may end up in very painful, gory, and lengthy experiences of being tortured with no friend other than myself to think of as I mentally search for something comforting and validating to hold onto and interact with.

I have heard other humans suggest that “love” is the purpose of existence (and “love” is essentially the valuation of some thing’s survival and thrival). I have read lines of the Christian Bible which suggest that God is literally love and that the summary of Christ’s teachings was for each person to love every other person as oneself. As someone who currently holds a panpsychic worldview, I think consciousness and nothingness are literally the same thing (and the same thing as love). Self appreciation is a bit to “short circuited” and “boring”. Hence, the one and only Self at the center and edges of all existence invented many hermetically sealed first-person reality simulation renderings by which to appreciate itself (from many unique perspectives which may or may not interact with each other).

I did not want to go directly to Fremont after I picked up my printouts from the UPS store (and Fremont is my go-to place to camp). I wanted to go to my legal residence for a bit. Once I hiked up there, I saw that both my parents’ cars were parked in the garage of or next to my dad’s house. I was not sure if anyone was home. I did see Brea the cat radiating an iridescent copper tone across the field where she glistened in the “golden hour” afternoon sunlight amidst the intense green wild shrubbery. She looked “high on life” (i.e. immersed and in rapture about the “teeming with life” activity “buzz” which seems to delight both of us in the same visceral way; like kids who have a window into a backyard and adventure space which spans infinite time and space and which seems to be include a ubiquitous and almost tangible sense of there being magic which makes optimism and gratitude seem like some of the best “tools” which exist and which enable information processing agents to bend reality in their favor simply by directing cognitive resources only towards the types of neural activity which are deemed to be worthwhile to repeat and to structurally reinforce as hardware).

This journal entry reminds me of a journal entry I recently shared on social media which involves S and R sharing their differing perspectives on what makes life seem worth living.

(I did not see my parents today and I am not sure whether or not they were in the house, but I did play what I thought was a very good drum solo on the drums in the garage compared to what I used to do. Later when I earn some more money, I plan on getting some electronic drums, some open source multi-track sound editing software application, and other audiophile gear so that I can get back into making my own music (and the genre of my music would be some tasteful blend of electronica, alternative rock, heavy metal, and new age)).

One last thing: I had a very easy time injecting myself with 0.8 milliliters of testosterone into my right thigh muscle tonight. I am very good at getting the air bubbles out of the syringe, administering the injection, and keeping my testosterone injection supplies organized and securely stowed in my backpack. I felt almost nothing with tonight’s injection. The needle went in effortlessly like butter! There was zero bleeding (as usual). I felt calm yet very serious and full of sombre thoughts while I administered the shot tonight (with shroom juices coursing though my veins). I am amazed and grateful that I have such affordable and accessible access to such medicines. I am seemingly always tripping in amazement at having been able to witness the advent of the World Wide Web and General Artificial Intelligence.

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