KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_99
I have not yet been notified by Amazon that my background check has been completed. According to a Google search I did, an Amazon background check takes between 1 and 4 weeks (if not longer). Later today, I might apply for local retail jobs which are closer to BART than is the OAK5 Amazon warehouse. (According to Google maps, walking from BART to OAK5 would take approximately 2 hours in one direction. For that reason, I have strongly considered resuming borrowing my mom’s petroleum powered minivan to commute there, but my personal ethical convictions are strongly against driving a petroleum powered vehicle, eating meat, and sex slavery. Hence, if I end up working at OAK5 (and I signed up for day shifts only), I plan on bringing my tent and large backpack so that I can camp next to the warehouse in the nearby parks at night. Because it is in an urban environment, I am afraid that I will not be able to find respite there from noisy (and deliberately antagonistic) people).
Approximately four years ago, I paid approximately $300 to take an online Life Purpose course through Actualized dot Org. I remember having fun defining my top ten values and domain of expertise. (My top three values are TRUTH, FREEDOM, and CREATIVITY and my domain of expertise is front end web development and English writing. I have yet to instantiate my Life Purpose because it is still quite vague (and it has something to do with Artificial Intelligence and Consciousness). Then again, it could be that my Life Purpose has changed and I am more focused on integrating psychedelics into computer science, physics, and analytical philosophy in order to build and refine my own personal “religion” and to promote it freely on the internet via PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property).
During one of the introductory videos which were part of that Life Purpose course, the teacher (Leo Gura) casually said that, although both men and women could have a Life Purpose, men are much more likely to need a Life Purpose (which is closely related to making money through some kind of skill-based craft) than are women because, according to the teacher, women usually are satisfied making Family the center of their lives to the extent that they do not need a Life Purpose which centers around being individualistic, entrepreneurial, and skilled in some domain other than taking care of one’s own Family. (I have yet to see anyone in the Actualized dot Org forums comment about that rather sexist remark, but in hindsight, I cannot help but agree that there is truth to that remark; that women generally do not think outside the box of Family while men seem to generally pine for more than just leading, growing, and supporting a Family).
I consider myself to be on the androgynous side of masculine (i.e. roughly 70% masculine and 30% feminine). Approximately ten years ago, I got a doctor approved prescription to take testosterone cypianate injections once every two weeks (but I quit 1.5 years into the hormone replacement therapy due to the fact that my boyfriend at the time (i.e. SED) was pressuring me to stop and because I was worried I would run out of money or that the availability of testosterone cypianate would change such that it would be very inconvenient or expensive to continue taking the testosterone. I was also worried about liver damage and male pattern baldness as a consequence of taking the testosterone long term. I am no longer very worried about such consequences. Hence, tentatively after I get a job, I plan on going to San Francisco to get a doctor to approve me continuing on testosterone so that I can grow out my facial hair, have more defined muscles without having to workout so hard and control my diet so hard, and just feel more comfortable in my own skin; likely identifying as Karl instead of Karlina. I am afraid that my family members and other people in my life will be upset at me for resuming the hormone replacement therapy because they seem to prefer that I be a girl instead of a guy (but my preference is to be a guy instead of a girl)).
What is hard for me at this time about my life is how I get almost zero support from other people to honor my personal convictions. I see that people poo poo my desire to abstain from driving a petroleum powered vehicle as impossible, impractical, and vain. I see other people tell me to stop being so self-focused and to be more people-oriented (i.e. more like a woman and less like a man).
As simplistic as this may sound, it seems to me that there is an unspoken rule about how women are “supposed to” behave, think, and feel: A woman who thinks, feels, and behaves like a man is a pathological narcissist in need of the silent treatment, gang stalking, verbal harassment, and even physical coercion to be terrorized back into being more feminine. Meanwhile, a woman who acts subordinate to heterosexual, egotistical, and politically influential men are treated as normal. Also, a woman is supposed to dress and move in a way which accentuates her fertility and sexual subservience to men. It is not okay for a woman to dress and to move like a man because it makes the man feel that she is more like his competitor and less like his subordinate.
To be clear, I am not a big fan of forced gender polarization. Part of my mission in life is to, by example, promote androgyny (and living as a single rather than as a partner in a committed relationship and living without kids rather than living with kids).
By the way, a few months ago, several of my bicycles were stolen. One of the bikes I had was locked up to the bike rack at West Dublin BART station (inside of the paid area) for one night. When I came to retrieve my bike the next day, the entire bike rack was missing. Several weeks later, I saw that the bike rack was put back and my bike was still tethered to it. Unfortunately, I threw away the key to the U-lock such that my bike is irretrievable without a powerful electric saw. Also, several years ago, whenever I left my bike outside on the driveway at my dad’s house or at California State University East Bay in Hayward, people tampered with my bike by popping the tires, adjusting the breaks to make the bike unsafe to ride, and using their own lock to lock my bike to the rack when I did not lock it up. Methinks that men and women are generally against me having that kind of freedom of mobility and independence from the fossil fuels industry and on being groomed to be ready to cart around kids or to have sex in the backseat of a car. To be blunt, I feel that people are making it very hard for me to have a bicycle because the people are trying to coerce me into being more heteronormative, sexual, reproductive, Family-centric, fossil fuels industry enabling, and physically immobile (such that I am trained to feel dependent on other people in order to travel outside the home).
Because I do not have a bicycle at this time and am too disgusted with petroleum dependence to borrow my mom’s car, I spend a lot of time walking compared to most people. Hence, people tell me I am superficial (because I exercise more than the average person does) and that I am a whore (because I allow my body to be exposed in public while walking alone). I look forward to getting back on the testosterone because it will help to masculinize my appearance and make me look less like a prostitute and target of sexual harassment and animosity from mongerers of heteronormativity and gender polarization which implicitly demonizes transgendered and queer people.
At this time in human history, talking about gender politics seems shrill, redundant, frowned upon, and trivialized. What seems to be a lot more condoned by society is making a big deal about racism. Quite frankly, I am disgusted by how chauvinistic “people of color” have appeared to me. I would rather just let people call me a “white supremacist” and “pathological narcissist” than continue making an effort to be overtly supportive of diversity (which is virtue signaling and desperate seeking of approval from “normies”). I think it is better to treat humans like unique individuals rather than as relatively interchangeable objects printed from a template called race, gender, or nationality.
This web page was last updated on 11_SEPTEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
KARBYTES_FOR_LIFE_BLOG 