28_AUGUST_2022: As I was walking from Castro Valley BART station today on my way to my tentative hangout spot in the hills of San Leandro near my mother’s house, I had the following thought (however untrue it is)…

In order for one person to attain comfort, some other person has to be deprived of comfort. That is the essence of the human economy to date.

An example of what I described above is choosing to drive a petroleum powered van in order to escape having to spend hours under the thinning ozone layer while absorbing harmful radiation from the sun and toxic chemicals from the pollution emitted by petroleum combusting vehicles.

Another example of such a “sacrifice” is having kids merely to attain the societal perks of marriage and parenthood while those kids are minors and then, once those kids are adults, throwing those kids out of the house and telling them to get used to having to fight to survive in an increasingly inhospitable and overcrowded environment.

Both examples pertain to someone deciding that it has to make someone other than itself suffer in order to avoid suffering.

At present, I am not sure whether or not I am going to use my parents’ car to get to work if my work place is difficult to get to by foot and by public transportation. I am afraid that the world is so rigged against me commuting to work without that car that I will be driven insane if I attempt to go against the grain of driving as my primary commute. I do not seem to have the option to work remotely nor to be a full time student because my parents have threatened to cut me off finances soon (but they have not told me when) and, perhaps more seriously, other people seem to have an issue with me being able to sit down and do my thing and continue where I left off years ago as a full-time scholar and office worker. My parents seem to want me to work and/or file for disability so that I am no longer exclusively financially dependent on them, but they are pushing me to have to settle for circumstances in which I am only surrounded by people who are a lot environmentally conscientious than I am and not quite as intellectual. It feels like a punishment (i.e. being deprived of the right to resume being part of the Information Technology sector instead of the menial labor and/or invalid sector).

(Note that I do not think my parents are intentionally trying to make me feel bad. I think they are just running out of money and other people are putting pressure on them to be harsher with me. It’s people other than my parents who I suspect have sadistic motives against me; not my parents).

Speaking of feeling singled out to be vilified and tortured in isolation, I think that people would rather me be locked up in prison for life than free to be an environmental and free speech activist because (a) such people only think my contributions to society matter if they think such contributions matter and (b) such people are resentful of the fact that I got to have so much time to do my own thing and to not get punished as harshly as they thought I should have for the times I did bad things. Also, I think such people would rather me be incarcerated for life than successfully kill myself because such people are happier knowing that I am alive and being tortured in a basement (and deprived of freedom and the things I cherish most about my life as it currently is) than they are knowing that I am no longer experiencing anything at all. In other words, I imagine that my haters think that me being able to escape suffering through suicide is too good for me and that I deserve to be forced to suffer long term instead.

Perhaps this journal (and any other journal entries which are part of the “warmup journals” section) is too delusional and/or dishonest to be taken seriously. It nevertheless exists if this text is visible in your web browser!

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