KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_452


KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_452


To Whom It May Concern:

I have decided to set the following goals for myself:

1. Save at least $10 per day most days of the week (and each day I expect to receive at least $40 from my mom). That is so that I have some “emergency funds” to fall back on and am not totally broke. (Note that I have a backup Windows 10 laptop at home and a Ubuntu bootable USB flash drive which I intend to use in case I am unable to use my current laptop).

2. Stop attempting to contact AJP and stop responding to AJP’s attempts to contact me. That is so that I can move on with my life whether or not AJP and others are ready for me to. (Note that I think that AJP may have government granted access to my electronics and the right to psychotronically harass me from a good safe distance (but so far I still seem to have normal control over my thoughts and behaviors aside from the fact that I am constantly spammed with “mind control” propaganda which does cause me significant inconvenience at least as much as it appears to help me achieve my goals)).

3. Stop writing journal entries which do not pertain to status updates in the context of achieving my personal goals. That means that I expect my future blog posts and social media activity to be relatively egocentric, apolitical, emotionally neutral, sparsely worded, and limited to natural science (i.e. physics, chemistry, biology), technology (e.g. Internet and World Wide Web, artificial intelligence, robots), engineering (e.g. computer programming, building and testing electronics), mathematics (e.g. calculus, probability, Boolean algebra, discrete mathematics), epistemology (e.g. inquiry about the nature of existence, metaphysics, secular study of world religions, culture, and anthropology (of humans and other sufficiently advanced species)).

4. Deepen my practice of mindfulness meditation, self inquiry, psychedelic usage, and being as self reliant and hermetic as possible. By abstaining from what I think are mostly wasteful distractions which other people might treat as compulsory mainstream conventions, I expect to garner more value out of my time and thoughts than I think what people who conform to the extroversion-centric, breeder-centric, hyper-consumerist, and anti-intellectual and anti-individualistic mainstream norms are able to. I expect to be ostracized and even punished for my failure to conform to such a mainstream but I strongly believe that my goals (as counter-cultural as they may currently be) are more than worth the sacrifice and punitive consequences.

5. Avoid sharing updates about my personal life unless those updates pertain to the progress I have already made towards achieving my goals. That means that I intend to avoid announcing my goals before they are fulfilled for now on (even if that means that I appear to other people to have no ambitions nor opinions nor newsworthy anecdotes to share). The Internet and general collective consciousness of human civilization is already very saturated with what I think is redundant, distracting, and otherwise low-quality content. I need not contribute more junk to that cloud of (mostly) junk. (What I see is that most of the humans around me are too cranky to express themselves in an eloquent, inspiring, interesting, and helpful manner because most people end up having almost no free time apart from merely doing survival oriented and social approval oriented tasks which takes up most of their time, energy, and money). I believe that many people (if not most people) see me as not doing enough to “earn my keep” and, as a result, those people think that I deserve to be ostracized, ridiculed, sabotaged while pursuing my personal goals, and treated as unworthy of admiration and of being taken seriously.

Lastly (though this is not exactly a goal), I hereby give myself and anyone else permission to kill itself for any reason at all. I do not think it is sufficiently worthwhile for me to continue suffering to exist if I think that I am physically being prevented from achieving my most important goals. Such a show of endurance in those circumstances does almost nothing to contribute value to my life because none of my most important goals pertain to “showing off” how good I am at tolerating misery for as long as possible (regardless of whether or not other humans admire me for such a show of endurance).

Sincerely,

karbytes


Later Addition: I think that I hear AJP’s voice talking to me as though we are on the phone through “telepathic” multi-way radio at times (and I always am forced to be listening to and having my thoughts transmitted to other people through that “telepathic” multi-way radio). What I think may be going on is that AJP has the government-granted authority (as an “undercover cop”) to hijack my attention span, electronic devices, and Internet-based accounts in order to micromanage me until and unless he feels ready to “let me go” (and he apparently said that he does not feel ready to “let me go” until I become more likeable to him and useful to him (and he even said that me working on software development is me interfering with his career as a senior level software engineer)). I even see evidence of my parents and other people supporting that AJP’s career be treated as more important than mine. For example, my old bedroom at my mom’s house has been transformed into what looks like a couple’s bedroom which no longer has a desk and which no longer showcases the painted designs I made on the walls before my brother painted it over in a beige tone and the decor of that room looks a lot more blandly made-for-the-American-masses home decor magazine-like and devoid of elements of my personality. Also, every time I talk to my mom, she acts indifferent to what I say I am doing and she asks me if I am staying warm, if the car is running, and if I would like to come home to either her house or my dad’s (seemingly in order to appease the tyrannical control freak referred to as AJP because AJP does not approve of me sleeping outside and spending so much time alone where I am relatively unsupervised). I believe that AJP is a lot less laisez faire than I am because, unlike him, I prefer to simply let every person be as independent and minimally micromanaged as possible while AJP acts like some people (especially me) deserve to be psychologically suffocated and practically physically restrained to only being able to travel within very small spaces and hardly able to breathe out of lockstep sync with his whims and emotions. I think that is the real reason why I was put into mental institutions for weeks at a time; to give AJP time to run circles around me (metaphorically speaking) while I rot in a jail and am treated like I do not deserve to have authority over my own brain while other people break into my brain and hijack it so that I do not “get in AJP’s way” by competing with him in what AJP thinks are his domains of expertise and interest such as mathematics and software development. I have yet to see a single human being address what I have written in this yellow highlighted paragraph to date (and I feel inclined to carry on assuming no one ever will (which makes me want to try my best to pretend none of what I said in this yellow highlighted paragraph is happening: mind rape and what I think is a severe violation of my basic human rights while other people look on indifferently and tell me to shut up, put up, and settle for being violated indefinitely and perhaps for the rest of my life)). Lastly, if I appear to be benefiting even slightly from AJP’s input, I apparently owe him servitude, loyalty, my suffering, and maybe even my money (now or in the future). I seem to be deriving some benefit from what appears to be AJP’s ongoing “telepathic” radio influence on me by occasionally getting nuggets of wisdom and maybe even tepid comedic relief and droplets of sympathy and, most of all, feedback which is actually somewhat relevant and maybe even supportive of my goals rather than dismissing and misleading and demoralizing.

Also, for most of my waking hours (and especially when I am thinking particularly hard about something which I take rather seriously and have some degree of anxiety about as a result of wanting to be factually correct in my understanding and communication of whatever that topic is), a sniveling, distracting, whimpering, irritatingly soft, hissing, mumbling, extremely passive-aggressive Hispanic/Latina female voice starts mumbling to drown out my thoughts while saying things like, “You don’t have anything to say,” and, “Uh oh. I don’t think you’re allowed to listen to yourself,” and, “You’re only allowed to be a little kid on us,” and the taunting, “Ooo ooo,” which sounds like a child’s taunting. For a sample of what she sounds like, see the “Pig Gorl” video I recorded in which I mock her using my own voice to approximate hers as closely as possible. (Bare in mind that the video I recorded makes her sound more lively and daresay even constructive than she currently sounds (and how she sounds now is how she sounds between sunset and midnight especially after doing some magic mushrooms: gloomy, sullen, ominous, dystopian, lazy, apathetic, slow, aloof, sadistic, occasionally giggling in a hollow and angry manner, and domineering  in terms of trying to take up all of my mental space even while sounding fragile and childlike. I imagine she has a small upturned pig nose, big sad-looking eyes framed in gaudy fake eyelashes, dark brown straight hair framing a heart-shaped face which looks cherubic and neonatal, and an emotionless expression with hints of anger and depression while she purses her lips and baby talks to what I imagine her brutish thug pimp overlord to be)).


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