KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_445
The following notes were written by karbytes while karbytes was using its phone to send emails to itself after driving from Castro Valley back to the East Dublin BART parking garage and then walking to the Whole Foods Market nearby to get some food before walking to a field to sit down beneath a mostly clear night sky to compile those notes into this web page.
“What am I supposed to be? Mother Teresa?,” I asked the ghosts.
(“When I talk out loud to myself, I am talking to God,” is also something I said to the ghosts).
As I was walking along the street with cars passing by and smelling the thick stench of combusted gasoline beneath a mostly clear sky with a few bright stars and/or planets in it shortly after sunset, I commented that, if I try to be every person’s advocate, I will feel alienated, used, and even demonized because most people seem more xenophobic and more tribalistic than me. I see them as part of my family but they likely do not see me as part of their family. For that reason, I think that most other people see me as a public burden for failing to contribute more tangibly to society in a way which conforms to what most people seem to regard as community service and for not having a more close-knit community to regularly be a part of. I think most people think I am creepy and pathetic for being alone and out in public so much. I get the sense that there are people who know about my living habits and do not approve of them and prefer that I get a job or stay indoors so that I am no longer showing up on their radar (metaphorically speaking) as someone who appears to be a vagrant, drug dealer, prostitute, or sheltered rich bitch having a quarter life crisis and running away to find itself.
If people think I deserve to be bullied and ostracized for not contributing to society more and/or for not wanting to socialize with people like them more, then I do not want to work for those people as their employee nor as their unpaid slave/captive audience. I suppose that makes me a big baby in their eyes and, for that, perhaps some of them deserve to be deprived of the right to pursue my goals pertaining to art, academics, fitness, travel, and philosophy.
As long as I live I might have to be routinely confronted with such animosity and ostracism (even if I do try to appease “the people”). I think “the people” are addicted to perpetuating social conflict because it is easier and more socially condoned than trying to do genius level problem solving and engineering.
* * *
While shopping in Whole Foods today, it occurred to me that I am getting stigmatized for wearing a large camping backpack in the store. I’m supposed to leave that shit in my car or in my house. What I mean is that I’m not supposed to shop here if I look this overtly homeless.
* * *
After purchasing my groceries and walking out of the store, I asked myself, “And now where do I go?” I answered that I probably should go to my car and sit inside it. That’s not usually what I do after buying groceries from that store. After buying groceries from that store, I usually go to a relatively secluded outdoor location such as a field, a parking garage, or some hidden nook next to corporate buildings.
* * *
Perhaps the most pertinent question I could (continuously) ask myself is, “Where is the event horizon?” (I mean to use that metaphor to suggest the point at which I stop publishing personal information on the Internet). Perhaps that is where I am writing from: an “undisclosed” location.
This web page was last updated on 12_DECEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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