KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_443
I’m at a weird point in the development of my primary website (i.e. Karlin Object dot WordPress dot Com). All the pages of that website whose hyperlinks are displayed in the “table of contents” section of the home page of that website are what I consider to be the most essential and the highest quality content I planned to finalize before the end of the year 2022. I have at least three more web pages left to complete before also including the hyperlinks of in the “table of contents” section of the home page of that website but there is a non-trivial chance that I will change the topics of those remaining pages or else remove them from my “to-do” list before completing them. I felt pressured to “hurry up and finish the website” so that I could go on a “break” for at least one week before the end of the year to do relatively spontaneous and unannounced things (which I think would be good for my mental health). Strangely, I feel too addicted to working on that website without taking a “break” (and the thought of taking such a “break” makes me feel uncomfortable because I cannot help but think that it would be a waste of my time and done only to appease some softy bitch superego who demands that I slow myself down unnecessarily and error on the side of having too much stress and too little recovery time and too little economic resources to cope (and “she” seems to be constantly trying to sabotage my otherwise fun and productive “private” hackathon activities because she wants me to have too little free time to be able to enjoy those things while working at a job and taking care of “responsibilities” which are “supposed to” diminish my health, happiness, and progress towards personal goals so that I am trapped in a poverty cycle which demands that I do little more than fight to maintain what little material assets I have and while downplaying my introverted, nerdy, and unabashedly honest and articulate personality in favor of spending a significant amount of my time and energy “playing dumb” in order to “earn my keep” and while, despite having more money than I currently do, not getting as much satisfaction out of my days as I currently do)). In short, the superego I am talking to sounds very uptight, anti-fun, yet lazy and aimless. She seems to think that I should be more beholden to other people and hardly have a moment alone.
What I wanted to tell myself is that I do not have to get a paid programming job, but I do (for my sanity’s sake and sense of honoring my personal sense of ethics) “have to” keep programming as a hobby which takes up a significant portion of my free time (if not most of my free time). The point of this journal entry is that I genuinely enjoy programming and, once I get into a project which feels personally meaningful (especially applications related to mathematics (and I am thinking of making a Riemann Sums calculator and other calculus problem checkers), I would happily do it for free so long as I am not in some kind of serious crisis in which my survival and health are seriously threatened. Hence, I intend to “keep this party going” rather than say, “Okay, the show is over. I got all X pages done for the year. Time to close shop and run off to the monastery to hide from the public and to go offline for a while (which seems something other people want me to do more than what I want to do because other people seem to think that I deserve to feel like an unwelcome member of society who deserves to be treated like a criminal who is in some kind of parole-like or prison-like living arrangement).” (As I wrote that last line, I heard someone angrily hold down their car horn and honk. I can feel the impatience of the people around me. They seem to be real kill joys. Anyway, I was tentatively planning on recording me playing some musical instruments at my dad’s house so that I can add those audio recordings as MP3 files to a SOUND_TRACK_LOOPER web page application in my primary website. So far, I have one decent quality MP3 file which I recorded at Lake Chabot of frogs croaking (and I only want to add approximately three decent quality MP3 files to that application (and the sound of ocean waves which I recorded more than a year ago sounds a bit “pixelated” which is why I am not adding it to the SOUND_TRACK_LOOPER application)).
One last thing: several times a day I usually worry about going blind, becoming severely brain damaged, becoming paralyzed, getting kidnapped and thrown into some basement where I am cut off from being able to use the Internet and live my life as I currently prefer to, or even dying “too soon”. Hence, I act as though I only have no more than 6 months left to live every day of my life as a “game” I play to prevent myself from giving into demands that I procrastinate or waste my time and energy on “social justice warrior” issues and interpersonal drama in general (and I see that people tend to be more likely to deliberately sabotage my personal goals than to support them which is why I have dismissed interpersonal relationships as generally a waste of my time). I think that most humans are angry with the status quo but feel powerless to do anything to improve their lives. Hence, rather than try to improve their lives, they seem to strongly prefer sabotaging my attempts to improve my life or even just to maintain what I have and hold dear. While many would cite these words as evidence of my psychopathic tendencies and nontrustworthiness and ineligibility to “have nice things”, I would rather be my own advocate and proudly exercise my right to be self righteous, arrogant, paranoid, and misanthropic (so long as I do not hurt people). I am simply not willing to squander what seems to be a very finite precious resource: my mind. My mind is not a drinking water reserve for other people to stick their dirty tendrils into to suck up. I prefer to at least imagine that my mind is my own private property even if people other than myself hack into it and try to claim my ideas and intellectual property as someone else’s proprietary property. I get intrinsic value from using my mind to impress, inspire, and entertain myself with. That alone makes my mind worthwhile because at least one person (i.e. me) gets value from its existence and utilization as I describe.
This web page was last updated on 12_DECEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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