KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_437


KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_437


Later Update: last night I had a rather emotionally intriguing dream that I was still “with” AJP and we were on some kind of high tech university and/or corporate canvas inside a large library-like building. AJP went to the bathroom or something and I left my backpack with my laptop in it on the ground while I went off the premises for some reason and, after returning approximately five minutes later, I was horrified to see that my backpack was missing. I told AJP he should buy me a new laptop because he had the money from being a full-time software engineer making more than $50,000 annually and he did. I think in the dream he and I were still a bit emotionally estranged from each other because he wanted me to be a girl and not a guy (and, last time I saw him in person “in real life” I disclosed last minute that I was taking testosterone shots and that was apparently a deal breaker for me ever being AJP’s significant other).

I was thinking about that dream a bit today and imagined the following scenario of AJP and me talking:

karbytes: “If I needed a new laptop, would you buy me one?”

AJP: “Only if you were my girlfriend would I buy you a laptop.”

karbytes: “But I am your friend. Why do I matter less to you as a male friend than as a female friend? Is it because I have to pay for that laptop by giving you exclusive access to my body as your sex partner? Do I have to be a prostitute in order to have access to your money?”

AJP: “No. That would not be prostitution because you would only having sex with me; not other men (and I don’t want to have sex with men; I am only attracted to women).”

karbytes: “I see.”

AJP: “If you keep taking the testosterone, you will become increasingly less attractive to me because it makes you look and feel like a man instead of a woman.”

karbytes: “I see. But can we still be friends?”

AJP: “Sure, but I’m never going to treat you like you are more important to me than I would my girlfriend (and I expect her to eventually have at least one child with me).”

karbytes: “I see. Darn, well, I had some romantic pie-in-the-sky fantasy of you and I being rather gay nerdy best friends for life who sort of live together but also sort of act like we are having a secret affair and hang out watching television together, doing psychedelics together, and having deep and meaningful and fun conversations and cuddles together.”

AJP: “Plenty of fish in the sea. Just go out there and meet new people who can give you more of what you want which I cannot.”


I was imagining another dialogue between me and AJP:

karbytes: “I am not just interested in you for your money. That is only one aspect of what I think makes you interesting. What I really like about you is that you spark my curiosity. I find you to be a very intriguing character; that there is more to you than meets the eye. Perhaps that is why you do not allow me to stay in your apartment with you for more than two days at a time these days. Perhaps that is your way of preserving the mystique so that we do not become boring to each other the way we would if we were more like a married couple. I fancy us still being able to live together while looking like brothers to the outside world, but to ourselves, lovers.”

AJP: “The fact that I work and you don’t matters a lot to me. I don’t want to have to pay your rent while I work and you get to stay home and have fun.”

karbytes: “It would be easier for me to get a good job if you let me live with you in your apartment.”

AJP: “Why don’t you get a good job while living with your parents?”

karbytes: “I have difficulties living with my parents which has made getting a good job hard for me.”

AJP: “Well, I had to live with my parents while working and going to school and supporting myself to get out of poverty with no outside help. I think you should have to work just as hard as I do in order to live with me.”

karbytes: “What if we lived in separate residences but we got together to hang out? I could get a job as a cashier while living out of my minivan so that I can spend most of my time studying and making ‘easy money’ to support my relatively inexpensive lifestyle while you can be the only one of us who gets to officially live in your apartment.”

AJP: “I don’t know if that is something I want. I want a partner who is more on my wavelength and/or I just want to live alone.”

karbytes: “Well then. We almost never hang out anymore. Our hangouts have been getting less frequent over the years.”

AJP: “That is because I am at a different stage in my life than you are. I feel like you are still in your late high school and early college years while I am already well established in my field and am looking to settle down and maybe buy a big house in the suburbs and have a couple of kids. I know that is not exactly your cup of tea.”

karbytes: “True.”


While perusing the website of a local public library, I read that a person is only allowed to use the library computers for an hour per day. If a person wants to seriously “break into tech”, that person will need its own computer and Internet access. What I am trying to do is figure out how cheaply a person can “break into tech”. The laptop computers I have been using tend to cost less than $500 and I usually purchase them online using a gift card which my mom gives me and then going to the store to pick up the product I ordered. The phones I have been using tend to cost less than $100 and I usually purchase them from Target stores. What I do to establish an Internet connection is use my phone to establish an Internet hot-spot using a USB-C cable to connect my laptop to the Internet from various locations (and I pay $30 per month for basic AT&T phone coverage and $20 per every 3 gigabytes of mobile Internet data). I usually install a Ubuntu operating system onto my laptop or else use a Ubuntu operating system from a bootable flash-drive instead of installing the Ubuntu operating system onto that laptop (because a backup laptop I have which is pre-installed with the Windows 10 operating system will seemingly not allow me to install Linux onto the hard drive). My smartphones tend to have the Android operating system (which seems to be the most common phone operating system for “poor people” while “rich people” tend to use iPhones and Apple products). A simple part-time or full-time job doing cashiering at some retail outlet should be sufficient to maintain this “break into tech” setup (and such jobs seem to pay an employee at least $15 per hour for at least 20 hours per week (which is at least $300 per week)).

* * *

My job seems to be helping “poor people” become “rich people” by showing them how by example. Unfortunately, what ended up happening is that, by working for “poor people”, I ended up feeling trapped in the ghetto and deprived of my former affluence (which I am on a mission to get back to and to have more of than ever before). I have been told by “poor people” (especially Hispanics) that I do not need to be so ambitious and affluent and that I should, instead, stop being so cerebral and, instead, settle for being poor and complacent so that I can be happily part of the “poor people” for the rest of my life. Rather than continue trying to help the “poor people” break into tech, I have decided to leave them behind to fend for themselves and treating them like a “lost cause” at worst. I do think that eventually they will be saved by a universal basic income and technological progress which makes society more affluent in general. As selfish as this may sound, I would rather identify as an undergraduate computer science student with less than two years left of college before I expect to have enough technology skills to showcase in a portfolio and perhaps collaborative project experience as a result of attending hackathons and to qualify for full-time technology jobs (especially software development) than identify as some martyr who is here to be more of a social worker than a software developer/technician. What I like about Information Technology (especially software development) is that it is very “do it yourself” and easy to do from a variety of locations and for relatively little money. What really seems to keep “minorities” from successfully “breaking into tech” is a lack of time (because those “minorities” tend to be drained of time and energy just trying to survive and maintain what tepid comforts they have (which seems to be exacerbated by the prevalence of unplanned pregnancies amongst the poor (and poor people tend to lack the imagination and the foresight (as a result of lacking an education) to find things to do in their spare time other than having unprotected sex and defaulting to making family take up all of their free time to do things which require a high degree of self discipline and freedom from distractions such as being an entrepreneur or studying multivariable calculus or deeply researching some aspect of reality which would otherwise be unexplored))).


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