I wrote the previous journal while listening to a video I downloaded (i.e. “Donald Hoffman Λ John Vervaeke on Infinity, Non-Dualism, Ego, and Reality” from Theories of Everything with Curt Jaimungal) in my tent at approximately 6PM. After that, resumed watching the video in a more comfortable position and decided to look up the paper which Donal Hoffman refereed to called “Objects of Consciousness” because it sounds very relevant to what I am interested in.
As much as I want to be able to mentally concentrate and enjoy doing my own self-paced academics, I feel traumatized by the many times I have been interrupted and bullied while attempting to “sit down” to study by human beings who seem to want to prevent me from being able to delve into academics. I feel compelled to go into “goblin mode” and to remain unemployed doing what I have been doing over the past few weeks but in an increasingly skillful manner while not worrying about getting a job until I feel ready to apply for some kind of coder or programming job so that I do not have to feel so cut off from my chosen career path.
My mom seems to want me to apply for disability payments but I am reluctant to do so because I would rather not be forced to live on a fixed income while being legally required to hand over any income I earn which is not social security income which (which sounds like entrapment and grounds for being stigmatized and penalized if I want to get off disability and get a “real” career in order to raise my standard of living). My mom seems to be rather controlling from a good safe distance and opposed to me having a life outside her influence (because she keeps insisting that I stay in her house and seems to not like that I have academic interests and am not just trying to hurry up and get someone other than her to pay for me to exist).
I think that many people are mad at me for not having a job and paying all my bills and that is why I am being bullied so severely. I am hesitant to get a job because I am afraid that I will be too stressed out and deprived of free time to pursue my goals which are not about money and social appeasement. I do not want to lose the advantage I seem to have which would not otherwise exist of having time to do my own research and development and self care activities without feeling rushed and forced to skimp on such things (if not abandon them outright).
I did go onto Indeed dot Com today and browsed local cannabis industry jobs related to manufacturing, harvesting, trimming plants, and rolling joints and think that might be something I will apply for closer to January 2023 after the first 26 pages of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com are finalized. (I seem to have enemies who are opposed to me working towards such a goal to the extent that I feel like I am literally under seige and being severely psychologically tortured 24 hours per day and 7 days per week in a society which seems to condone such abuse and hostility towards personal development).
The screenshot below is something I briefly looked up on Quora which I think is relevant to my situation. I feel uncomfortable because of how I am being treated like a minor child and treated in a very insensitive and unkind manner in general. I upvoted a response to the question of whether or not adult children should be punished by their parents and that answer seemed fair because it was rather nuanced rather than “black and white”. I like the idea of being able to own things I pay for and my parents not being allowed to seize those possessions and such. Based on what I have researched and how I am generally treated by people, it seems that I am supposed to feel like I am in jail and being severely abused until and unless I get a job and stay employed (i.e. achieve financial independence). I am afraid that the bullying will not stop even if I do get a job and become financially independent. In fact, I am afraid that I will be even more miserable if I have a job and am still being bullied by the psychotronic harassment because I will have much less time to “recover” (but I would presumably have more money to buy myself “nice things” which could spell the difference between me feeling suicidal and not feeling suicidal). To be blunt, I feel that society is intentionally trying to deprive me of the right to be mentally healthy unless I am employed. It’s like my mind is literally being held for ransom and I am being forced to pay to have a modicum more access to what I think I should have total access to.
I hope that automation (i.e. outsourcing most jobs to robots) enables all human beings to live on a universal basic income without being stigmatized for doing so (which means hat humans would be able to spend close to 100% of their time doing whatever they want to so long as they do not get penalized for criminal activity). Until that happens, I honestly feel that humans are living in the dark ages and society is not quite as humane as it should be by now.
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