KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_430


KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_430


I wrote the following dystopian skit in response to being harassed by a particularly disturbing kind of psychotronic harassment. It sounds like a middle aged female clown who is irate and sinister and sadistic who is trying to get me to close my laptop early and act too bogged down by her torment to do anything but cry in bed while knowing that civilians down the street know this is going on and are rejoicing in that fact because they think I need to be tortured into being less arrogant, less impatient to do my own thing, and more humble, traumatized, and passive. I can tell that “Hispanics” are not willing to offer me a job at the places I applied for because they want me to have no one but my parents to rely on for all of my basic needs. They want me to feel like a helpless child who has almost no say over its life. I am writing this note to let the public and my future selves know that I am aware that I feel terrorized by Hispanics who want me to metaphorically castrate, lobotomize, paralyze, and maim me. They look like big ugly clown dolls like that “Laughing Sal” robot tourist attraction in Santa Cruz; laughing maniacally after having been tortured and reduced to a clown for other people’s amusement; laughing and hardly able to say anything about what is going on beneath the surface because now they are puppets of the people that tortured them to be that way (and their job is to lure more people into the same trap). I know that people want to try me as a criminal for having “racist” thoughts. What keeps me sane is having faith in a brighter, more modern, and more humane future for myself in which I get to be an actual Information Technology employee (and prolific programmer and academic) doing things which are nerdy, inspiring, and wholesome rather than depressing, crippling, uninspiring, and tortuous. Some people are terrible company and I do my best to avoid interacting with such people. I see them as parasites that want to make me feel indebted to them and forced to defer to them, spend lots of time in their presence, and forced to conform to their culture (which seems to be the opposite of my preferred culture and what feels like home to me).

* * *

P: “Do not say that people in your life are deliberately hurting you if they are not. If we think you are lying that people in your life are hurting you, we will punish and terrify you and try to prevent you from ever being happy. We want you to feel trapped, hopeless, in constant inescapable pain, humiliated, deprived of worthwhile experiences, forced to watch your skills and knowledge and fitness atrophy, and raped on a regular basis. We want you to feel intruded upon and deprived of compassion because that is what we think you deserve; to be treated like a villain who deserves nothing but excruciating suffering.”

karbytes: “I am trying my best not to complain.”

P: “Stop acting like you are being abused and tortured into not being able to tell people that you are being abused.”

karbytes: “You are telling me to do something I cannot do. I cannot control my thoughts and unconscious body language. Therefore, if I feel terrorized into not talking about how I feel mistreated by other people because I am afraid that you will torture me as punishment for doing so, I cannot help but feel like a victim (and that will likely be evident in my body language and thoughts even if I try very hard to suppress those feelings and thoughts you deem to be taboo).”

P: “Shut up. We are not trying to make rational sense to you. We can do whatever we want to you for any reason. It’s not necessarily about you. You just happen to be the unlucky winner of a raffle in which you were selected to be brutally psychologically tortured for research purposes and for our amusement.”

P: “Hahah! Awww, what’s that matter? You want your life back? You feel kidnapped and alone? Good. You’ll never have a good life. It’s only going to get worse for you.”

P: “Normal people do not feel and think they are being abused quite as seriously and intensely as you are. We want you to think, feel, and act normal and to focus on something other than yourself. Stop trying so hard to hold onto your body and mind. Let it go. Do not be so vainly attached to your appearance and other material possessions. People are angry at you for not having enough to distract you from self preoccupation. Most people can actually watch television for hours per day without feeling that they have something else better to do. If you cannot follow suit, then you are not ready to leave the mental hospital and you are not ready to be treated like an adult and you only deserve to be teased, gas-lit, and deprived of facts which would give you relief and help you more quickly improve your life. Our goal is to make other people think that you are much more violent, hateful, inexperienced, young, held in contempt, and unconscious than you really are so that you are unable to have friends you actually enjoy the company of.”


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