I have been enjoying hours of peaceful time in my tent tonight. The sky above has been mostly clear with a full moon overhead and a tiny bright star next to it with thin scalloped cirrus clouds moving past the relatively fixed moon and stars. The sky from my vantage on the plateau overlooking the valley looked dome-like, multilayered, and magical. Large flocks of honking Canadian geese flew over my tent several times. I have also been enjoying browsing Instagram and Quora and found a few items I thought would be worth sharing (whose screenshots are displayed below). What is special about tonight is how my sense of being a self which has been under a lot of pressure to perform in public and to uphold a particular role has disappeared without me noticing as though I went to sleep and did not know it because the past few hours and moments I experienced looking at the world around me from the cozy vantage of my tent and under the majestic and “infinitely” deep sky felt like just the subjective experience of seeing the world around me without much of the sense of there being a person here to get in the way. Something in me seems quieter than normal. I feel a pleasant and delightful sense of being able to meld into the environment and be a seamless part of it. It’s very pleasant, beautiful, and inspiring. My quality of experience does not feel so heavily draped in macabre anthropocentric and egotistical themes as it usually does. I felt the simple joy of the geese flying by without the usual mental commentary on how their honking sounds mournful and how their flying seems so effortful and meaningless. I think that, prior to now, I was reflexively projecting my personal subjective experience onto the world around me and seeing my particular flavor of misery everywhere my attention went. It was as if I was barricaded behind a steel cage made of heavy thoughts and a sense of urgency, pressure, and hyper-adrenalized state of “fight or flight” which made everything feel like a tedious, agonizing game where I had to constantly earn my own approval (and the approval of something beyond myself) just to continue breathing. It was as if I had no sense of being allowed to just be another wild animal living in the world which I feel myself to be a natural part of and not some “foreign invader” who has to constantly be ready to run away or fight as though my existence was illegal.
I have started letting myself “procrastinate” on my website curation projects so that the experience of building my website can feel more organic, relaxed, joyful, fun, and inspired instead of FORCED, RUSHED, FEAR-DRIVEN, JOYLESS, and MECHANISTIC to the point that it felt so forced and robotic I could barf. I stopped metaphorically holding a gun up to my head and telling myself that I only have a few more days left to complete the project before I am cut off from that opportunity forever (or at least for several years). I stopped worrying about getting a job and decided that I would be better off taking a more “trust the universe and follow your bliss” kind of approach; assuming with (educated) faith that a good job opportunity will arise for me as a consequence of me not squandering my time and forcing myself to fit into a role which feels stifling and humiliating rather than genuinely satisfying. I am starting to ignore that bitchy superego (whatever it is) and seeing how it mostly repeats itself and hardly does anything more than sound like a fear-driven alarm system warning me to hurry up and take the kind of job “she” thinks I ought to get before the metaphorical rug is pulled out from under me and I am deprived of money and my essential possessions. I am not as fear driven as I usually am and, as a consequence, I feel less stupid. I think that being under a lot of stress and trying too hard to anticipate and control the future has made me stupider and more limited than I otherwise would be; the way I am now that I am starting to see how unnecessary it is for me to be that neurotic.
This web page was last updated on 07_DECEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.