“You’re too schoozy to get a job.”
“Stop ogling at yourself.”
“You only have yourself to talk about.”
“You don’t have that much to talk about.”
“Not everything revolves around you.”
“You think everything revolves around you?”
“Yeah. Uh huh.”
“Ooo. Ooo. Ooo.”
“Stop recording yourself.”
“Stop behaving yourself.”
“Stop meowing at yourself.”
“Ooo. Ooo. All you think I do is eat? Ooo. Ooo.”
“It’s okay. Nobody wants to listen to you anymore.”
“Get over yourself.”
“Nobody loves you.”
“At least I’m not as narcissistic.”
“How long does it take for you to get a job?”
“At least I don’t have anything to look forward to but animals.”
“You’re only allowed to sleep next to your dad.”
“It’s all about the father.”
“You only talk to your face.”
“You only talk to your name brand.”
“At least I’m not all about Oedipus.”
“No one wants to have sex with you anymore.”
“You’re too rich to get a job.”
“There you go.”
“You’re only allowed to lay down.”
“All you think about is you, Karlina.”
The phrases above are a small sampling of the typical things that bratty baby-talking voice over has been barraging me with. (Especially within the past 24 hours “she” has sounded ornery, fatalistic, sullen, angry, and determined to ruin what little fun I am having (and “her” central message seems to be: It’s not okay to live for yourself. It’s only okay to live for others). I also recorded a 40 second video of me mimicking what “she” sounds like. I have a feeling that I am far more bothered by that “entity” than are most (if not all) other humans. That “entity” feels like the opposite of being a geek and nerd. That “entity” feels like someone who makes being a chatty little girl mandatory (which reminds me of the screenshot taken from a Wikipedia article I read which describes the main characters in “My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic” and how the descriptions of those characters suggests that only Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rarity, and Fluttershy are “normal” while the other characters are too nerdy or else too jock-like and masculine).
(I am also reminded of that “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta be cool with my friends, friendship lasts forever, friendship never ends” song by The Spice Girls which used to play in the Gotta Eatta Pita store I used to work for back in 2019 and 2020; little girls on too much sugar after inhaling helium and celebrating female friendship over hanging out with dudes).
I am also reminded of a poster I saw on the wall of the break room at a Target store in Hayward which I was briefly working for in late 2016 and fired from for “lackluster” performance as a cashier which said, “It’s okay not to be okay” (in reference to mental health awareness). I thought that sign implicitly suggested that it is okay to feel crappy and to have low self-esteem but it is not okay to feel good and to have high self-esteem (because employees (especially women of color (especially Hispanic/Latina wimmim (especially the fat ones)))) are supposed to be humble, meek, mild, downtrodden, lethargic, unimaginative, soft spoken, monotone, bland (yet sexed up like a prostitute), almost illiterate, barely graduated high school, lacking science/mathematical/technical aptitude and interest, easily amused by small animals and young kids, content to eat nothing but junk food, disturbingly unoriginal, and complacent). Apparently I am “too white” and “too male” for wanting to be relatively autonomous, cerebral, physically active, solitary, and relatively stoic instead of whimpering with sex appeal and social appeasement.
(Well, I am on my way to a place to interview for a cashier position at a pizza restaurant. I look forward to getting that over with).
* * *
Later Edit: Shortly after the interview ended, “Pig Gorl” (which I have also referred to as “Baby Faced Male” because it resembles an angry, self-righteous, bossy, and neonatal looking (and sounding) man who looks like a cartoonized and effeminate version of AJP) started speaking in a way which sounded like a sarcastically yelling and wailing police siren seemingly in order to induce a panic in me while saying things like “Uh oh!” and “Oh no!” and making joyless giggling and/or whimpering sounds like it is showing me mock sympathy while insinuating that I have been set up to have my time wasted and to slowly come to the conclusion that only AJP of the two of us is allowed to have what I think is a good job and an affluent lifestyle and freedom from being severely harassed by “mind rape” noises as I have been since February of 2019 (while working in the kitchen at a Panera Bread restaurant in Fremont, CA). I think that AJP and the police (and many civilians) have teamed up to single me out to be tortured in this way. I seem to be surrounded by many mean civilians every time I am out in public who seem to think that I deserve to be ignored, bullied, and left to rot. Perhaps I am being punished and discouraged from not wanting to remain a cisgendered female and, instead, opting to take testosterone. Perhaps I am being punished for having more free time and pleasure than “the people” want me to have. I am almost always been yelled at and taunted by “Pig Gorl”/”Baby Faced Male”. A lot of the Karbytes Journal 2022 section of this website is devoted to talking about this “stealth” harassment. I am surprised and dismayed that almost no one has been willing to address my concerns on this manner. For that reason, I have come to suspect that people are deliberately “icing me out” in order to punish me for being “too narcissistic” and not sufficiently socially conformist and self sacrificing. I seem to get punished as a response to doing something I feel proud of which other people seem to denigrate as “showing off” (which I am apparently not supposed to do and am supposed to be tortured for doing).
* * *
I am not sure if there is much I can to do to de-escalate if not eliminate the psychotronic harassment I routinely am exposed to by what I refer to as “Pig Gorl” and/or “Baby Faced Male”, but a thought occurred to me while charging my laptop at the East Dublin BART station parking garage this afternoon: perhaps I am being harassed by that “entity” in response to entertaining thoughts about “her” which makes “her” feel mistreated (whether I keep those thoughts to myself or whether I express them as spoken or written words (or other modalities of communication which allow my thoughts to be known to people other than just myself)). Since my early twenties (when I first learned to masturbate to orgasm (and I have not been able to orgasm by any other means except for masturbation)), I have not been able to easily achieve an orgasm from masturbating without conjuring up rather “politically incorrect” mental imagery (and I have habitually reused the same rape fantasy tropes over and over again over the years because that seems to be the quickest way for me to induce an orgasm). I typically imagine a fantasy character who has exaggerated hip to waste ratio in humiliating positions of being in some kind of restraint (but that fantasy has gotten boring for me a long time ago; I just keep using it because I am afraid that, if I do not regularly orgasm, I will not be as physically and mentally healthy since orgasms help keep the related neural circuits and organs from atrophying and orgasms help to release stress and induce relaxation which makes it easier for me to sleep and otherwise “recover” from being stressed out by my rather stressful circumstances. Also, I just want to keep up a semi regular practice of masturbating because doing so keeps sex from being a bigger deal than I think it should be (i.e. it makes me not feel as deprived of sexual activity as I otherwise would and it also bypasses the inconvenience of having to hire a prostitute or enlist some “regular person” to engage in sexual relations with me (which can be dangerous, time-consuming, expensive, and just plain boring)).
(In order to not offend “that entity” for now on, I will strive to call it by that name instead of “Pig Gorl” and/or “Baby Faced Male”. As I have been writing this note, I have been hearing a woman’s voice (not microwave auditory effect, but what sounds like a flesh-and-blood human making vocalizations somewhere in the building behind me) hooting in response to some of the “triggering” words I think and write “in real time”. It seems that I am in a “no win situation” in which it is impossible for me to be as “politically correct” as that woman and whoever else the “moral arbiters” are who decide if and when and what I get bombarded with in terms of psychotronic harassment (i.e. mind control). Even if I delete this entire website and any other content I can which expresses what those people may deem to be “criminally offensive” media, there may be copies of that media on databases which I have neither access to nor knowledge of. What I could try to do is end my “addiction” to spewing “hate porn” about “that entity” today with this journal entry and then, after this, never again mention “that entity” or any other comments online or to someone’s face (or even out loud to the open air when talking to myself) which the “moral arbiters” may deem to be “criminally offensive” and grounds for inflicting punishment on me).
In short, I would like to move on with my life and stop fighting with “that entity” (but that is hard to do because “that entity” seems to chase me around everywhere I go while barging me with distracting and demoralizing messages which do seriously impede my personal goals to the extent that I am in serious distress over my predicament of feeling trapped in a situation in which I am bullied and unable to stop the bullying nor get compassionate nor effective support from other people about that bullying. It seems that I am being “forced” to keep my mouth shut about the “private” pain and suffering I go through regardless of whether or not other people know that such pain and suffering is taking place. That makes me want to isolate myself from other humans and be as self reliant as possible because other people rarely seem able or willing to make me feel better about my situation. What I think I am being trained to do by the military industrial complex and by civilians in general is pretend that I am neither “too happy” nor “too unhappy” but somewhere in between such that I do not appear to be happier than the average human but not so unhappy that I am a nuisance to other people. Sometimes I do feel that people will not stop harassing me until I express anger, grief, or anxiety in ways which are more dramatic than I prefer just to appease those people’s need to derive sadistic pleasure from watching me suffer and cathartic release in watching me suffer and act out in ways which are “beneath them”).
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