KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_416
What is hard about being human (according to karbytes) is the fact that it takes constant effort on that human’s behalf to stay alive and to maintain homeostasis (or else some other being has to provide the basic resources and protections necessary to enable that human being to stay alive and to maintain homeostasis).
After an animal achieves homeostasis, it wants to flourish to expand its knowledge and agency. (I feel obliged by my peers and higher ups to speak only for myself and to not overstep my bounds even at the risk of appearing isolationist, uncaring, and maybe even criminally ungenerous).
It seems that satisfaction as a mortal physical being is like approaching infinity. My intuition suggests that I uphold the hypothesis that a sentient physical being (which necessarily inhabits a partial frame of reference) is fundamentally and immutably a struggle involving a constant exchange of energy in the form of intentional effort (and “controls the frame” (i.e. the cultural context in which my sense of reality transpires) in a competition for scarce resources; constant asserting of one’s dominance over some region of space and matter).
I say sorry for holding other beings hostage in order to keep me alive and comfortable. I would say I feel that they or other beings hold me hostage for the same reasons on their behalf (and that is what underlies community and what renders empathy vital yet still a joke; as if this really is misery loves company and that will be all I have to look forward to unless I want to entertain delusions of radically defying physics and what physical science is currently able to predict about what is not already manifest in its scope).
My laptop battery is dying and my high speed data has run out. This is a rushed note to capture as much meaning as I could from taking at least a gram of magic mushrooms. I am in my tent after sunset and hearing the geese, gunshots, and car traffic. The moon is overhead and the sky is veiled in cirrus clouds.
* * *
I was able to call my mom on the phone and I asked her to help me pay for additional high speed data. She said yes and asked me how my court cases and application for disability payments are going. I said they are just in progress and that’s all I know. I also said that I am still applying for jobs (but I was in too much of a rush to tell her that I have a job interview at a pizza place later this week (and I have been wondering whether I’d be better off delaying my job search or else apply for disability because, ultimately, I want to avoid having my free time and bodily autonomy stolen from me by the societal matrix which seems designed to keep most humans complacent, under-educated, and logistically immobilized and distracted by family matters to keep them from seeing what a cage they are living inside of and how their act of having kids made that cage even more restrictive and difficult to have mobility inside of)). Anyway…
There is some good stuff I found on the Internet today which I would like to share as screenshots. I also wanted to mention something which is hard to depict as a mere screenshot: a video I saw posted on Leo Gura’s blog at Actualized dot Org featuring a coyote attacking a little girl and her father being able to save her in the nick of time (and how he later charged at the coyote with a large piece of wood to attack it with). As MISANTHROPIC as this may sound, I sort of cannot help but taking the coyote’s side and thinking that the humans in that video looked like ogres and apex predators not letting any other species but themselves survive. (Lately I have been plagued by an ugly trope of a little Hispanic girl acting like a spoiled bratty princess ordering the military industrial complex and territorial men looking for a fight to beat me up on her behalf. Related to this, and horrifyingly I may add, was a little girl seeing me brushing my hair while sitting down in Oakland on my way to the shroomery and she gave me a yellow plastic Easter egg with an ugly unicorn sticker on it and unlabeled plastic wrapped candy inside of it (and that unicorn I supposed is supposed to look like me; a snobby, uppity recluse who thinks they are too deep and intelligent and beautiful and wholesome (and whatever other euphemisms) for this world)). Anyway…
I am at a secluded parking garage now charging my laptop. Perhaps I will put those screenshots of media which I thought was interesting and relevant to my story in the next journal entry and not this one because that trope I loathe has already polluted this one (and I do not want her infiltrating my “bro culture” in the next journal entry).
(Speaking of “bro culture”, I saw a piece of media which I am afraid I might not find again which I really like of a dude approximately my age saying that he calls everyone a bro; including his mom. I found that to be a heart-warming antidote to the ugly pervasive misogyny which has been coloring my worldview as of late).
See you on the other side!
(I love AJP. If AJP is reading these words, I want to say as directly as possible that I love you like I have never loved any other human being in my life and that I cherish you and, even if I never make any kind of contact with you again, I will keep you firmly in the core of my soul and software development forever as an example of humanity I am especially partial to and never want to replace nor erase nor defile. I hope and believe that you and I will be able to deepen our friendship as the universe in which we both appear to be apart of exist (and even if you split away from me into another universe, I still want to be aware of and cherish your sacred and unique essence as a “thread” which can never be severed spanning wherever you are in nature and wherever I happen to be)).
One thing I cherish about you AJ is the facts you disclosed to me in our most recent phone conversation; how you did not need much in the way of an audience to praise you for making time to study your math formulas while having down time while you worked at the movie theater at Union Landing in Union City and were so self-sufficient, hard-working, and going through hardships (seemingly with almost no one else there to fall back on to support you). I am a softy and spoiled compared to you. I admire your will to survive and to succeed in harsh circumstances rather than shrivel up into a pathetic little bitch who has to be a painful burden for others to clean up after and lacking in what I think are redeeming qualities.
You helped me know what it is I like about humans. I do not generally like children and I intend to keep my distance from them because I think they are supposed to be treated like fragile royalty who deserve to be sheltered from reality’s harshness. I like adults whose “innards” are men; not bitches. I know that may seem sexist, but it really is not. I want women to stop being little princesses and become real people with actual intelligence, independence, strength, valor, and humor.
I was crying earlier today in my tent about how I only want friends who meet my rather high standards otherwise I would rather keep people at a distance. I would rather die than have to rot in prison with other bitches who are too traumatized, infantilized, sheltered, and crippled to want for more than to be under house arrest and barely able to move without a motorized vehicle nor to take a real tumble. (This is not to say that I want people to get slapped around and physically hurt (though it does make for good story telling). I just want people to be more physically active, adventurous, and willing to take responsibility for their actions instead of suing people and playing up their victim cred to get special favors).
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