image_link: https://github.com/karlinarayberinger/KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_PART_0/blob/main/%20Ani_Mevushal_Infected_Mushroom.jpg

12_AUGUST_2022: Today I applied for the full-time job position of Production Associate at the Tesla Motors factory in Fremont, California. (I worked there for approximately one month around Halloween of 2020 and voluntarily quit because I was not as well-adapted to living outdoors out of a backpack as I currently am (and I have been living mostly outdoors since then and going home to my house in Castro Valley only about once a week to take a shower, do laundry, and check my mailbox for packages)). If I do not get re-hired for that job position, my tentative plan is to apply for other local warehouse jobs.

Anyway, today I have been having a difficult time (as usual) dealing with vocal harassment beamed into my skull by what I think is microwave auditory effect from law enforcement. It seems that they want me to be chronically stressed out, miserable, and coerced into spending most of my time sleeping and finding entertainment only in my dreams (and oftentimes, when I close my eyes, I see and hear qualia which seem like movies and songs which I did not invent on my own and which are part of the deep state’s propaganda machine to influence my thoughts, perceptions, and behavior). I have been in constant multiway “telepathic” communication with those anonymous mind-control technicians since 13_FEBRUARY_2019. I started hearing the voices while I was placing raw bagels on a baking sheet in the kitchen of Panera Bread in Fremont while I was being trained to be a night baker. (I did not stay very long at that job or any job since 2015. The longest I ever stayed employed by one employer was when I was a paid student intern at Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory doing Google Apps Script development, technical writing, and troubleshooting video conference equipment from 01_JUNE_2012 to 30_SEPTEMBER_2015. After that, I worked for no more than 6 months at a time at food service, assembly line, and retail jobs).

To get back to what I was saying about the verbal harassment I have been going through today, it seems like what the voices are trying to get me to conclude is that I am not allowed to have self esteem or even sufficient space to hear myself think and to relax so that I am functionally disabled and forced to be unemployed (or underemployed) so that I can be used as a torture victim and military research specimen. To put it bluntly, I feel that I am being treated more like an inanimate piece of government infrastructure than I am a human being (and I seem to be groomed to look, think, and behave like an angry young thug who never knew affluence and who never went to college nor worked at Lawrence Berkeley Lab nor has any experience/interest/expertise doing software development). I wonder if a former coworker from Lawrence Berkeley Lab turned intimate partner turned “frenemy” has something to do with the fact that my brain has been hijacked by the police. That person (AJP) has treated me as though I deserve to be left for dead and transformed into a dumber, unhappier, and more brainwashed version of my former self so that I am not able to compete with him in his domain of professional expertise: software engineering.

Rather than wait to become a professional paid software developer, I decided that I would get a job which would allow me to pay for my own equipment and motel room rentals so that I can do personal software development projects on the weekends while spending approximately five days per week working 12+ hour shifts at a factory and having little time on work days to do anything other than sleep, eat, and commute by walking and by riding BART trains. (I have neither a car nor a bicycle at this time and prefer to adhere to a vegan lifestyle and using emissions free commute methods).

I have been able to do some software development outdoors but it has been uncomfortable not having a more private, sheltered, and full-amenities place to work on my laptop computer. The Wi-Fi at my dad’s house (which is my legal address) is very buggy and cellular phone reception in that region is very weak in that region. Right now, the only decent free Wi-Fi network I have been relying on is the Wi-Fi network at Whole Foods Market in Dublin. The shopping center where that Whole Foods Market is located is also equipped with working public AC outlets. Also, the Dublin BART station is less than a quarter mile away and also has working AC outlets. I usually camp and use my laptop computer in the Pleasanton and Dublin regions while using my AT&T Android phone connection to establish a USB-C tethering Internet connection with my laptop (but that gets expensive). When I tried to upgrade my AT&T plan to “unlimited data”, my money was stolen from me and the upgrade was denied. I think that is law enforcement trying to prevent me from having too easy of a time using the Internet to my leisure outside of places where other people can easily cut me off. To be succinct, I have been treated like a little kid for years and it has made me rather socially avoidant and cynical. It has also made me more self-reliant, industrious, and resilient.

I think that many people justify that I be tortured (and even put in situations which shorten my lifespan and damage my health (due to the unusually high amounts of pollution and environmental toxicity I am exposed to (and chronic stress from feeling relentlessly bombarded by loud jarring noises, bright lights, and other people frequently intruding upon my “personal space” and forcing me to engage with them or leave the premises))) because such adversity has made me more mature. At the same time, I see that I am hardly allowed to celebrate my accomplishments (even silently) and I have been made to feel that I do not deserve to do much more than be treated like a prisoner who committed a serious felon who deserves to be locked up in a prison cell for at least a decade. I have done some crimes in the past. The most serious crime I have committed was throwing a steel teaspoon at the back of a family member’s head during an argument on 09_SEPTEMBER_2018.

Thankfully, I am not as limited as I would be if I were incarcerated. I have been able to travel around the San Fransisco Bay Area, camp in various places, develop websites, surf the Internet, and even use psycobillin mushrooms (which I purchased at Zide Door in Oakland this year). Overall, I am more satisfied with my life than unsatisfied, but my life is marinated in what seems to be an inescapable sense of dread, claustrophobia, and cede vibes.

Lastly, what I failed to mention in the previous journal entry is that I use Archive dot Org to create relatively permanent backups of each web page I publish. That gives me immense comfort because I know that the pages cannot be removed by anyone except for Archive dot Org administrators. By contrast, hackers can easily steal my passwords and log into my WordPress accounts to tamper with and/or delete my website pages.

One more thing: the screenshot above shows a song by Infected Mushroom which I have found to be especially relevant to how I have been feeling recently. The song is called “Ani Mevushal” (2020) and depicts the experience of getting very stoned in a way which I find deliciously morbid and creepy due to the dissonant chords, heavily distorted vocals, and frantic pulsating beat and drowning effect of the chorus vocals. It reminds me of some of my first trips using cannabis edibles and magic mushrooms: feeling intensely “heated” up from the inside out, lit up brightly like prey and/or a guilty imposter in a savage and macabre universe amongst unforgiving moralists, and full of exhilarating dread; a sense of mortality, decomposition, and being depersonalized while aloof and callous beings watched me get roasted. I appreciate the opportunity to have the gentle, affectionate, and loving blinders ripped off of me such that the cold harsh indifference of the underlying matrix could be exposed to me; helping me become more of an enlightened realist and less of a sheltered idealist.

This web page was last updated on 04_SEPTEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property