KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_368
Perhaps the scarcest resource which human beings covet is time to dwell in solitude. It seems normalized and even mandatory for humans to have almost zero time to dwell in solitude because that conditions people to be used to almost always socializing such that they have no opportunity to contemplate what else they could be doing with their time. If people were aware of how much time they actually needed to tap into altered states of consciousness and to fully utilize unrealized potentials, I think there would be widespread panic and people would not be so willing as they currently are to deny their need for more free time (especially time doing things other than socializing). Hence, I have to live like a refugee and hermit in order to avoid drawing attention to this concern (because doing so would upset people who were pressured into having no solitude and are now seemingly trapped forever (or at least long term) in a social matrix which punishes them for not conforming to the herd and for not being perpetually “on call” to respond to the herd’s demands). Am I leaving such people to rot in their soul stunting prisons? Sadly, yes. There are many beings whose suffering I do not have sufficient time to attempt to relieve the suffering of. That’s why I am becoming more of an isolationist than ever before. I am trying to concentrate my resources into personal endeavors rather than social endeavors. I do think that is why I have been having an exceptionally difficult time getting a decent job. I do not see getting a job as sufficiently worth my time and I feel that it is not genuine generosity, but rather, appeasing other people in the hopes that I get paid fairly and am neither scammed, nor exploited, nor bullied. (I assume that, no matter which jobs I apply for, I will end up being forced to work more than 40 hours per week and have so little time to do my own thing that I am basically in jail. That’s why I am putting off my job search for at least one more month. When I do apply for jobs, I hope to have Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com up to date and ready for the new year).
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I noticed that, as soon as I take even five seconds to read or to think about what I am writing, I hear other humans in my midst barking in a scolding tone as though they hear my thoughts and want to prevent me from being able to think so deeply as I really think I deserve to and need to in order to be as happy as I want to be and to produce as high of quality artistic output as I want to. It’s like I am being forced to practice self denial because that’s what is implicitly normal and mandatory in the society I live in. Hence, I go to extremes to get a modicum of private space and time to introspect and to focus on my craft. It is not easy and it is a lonely, savage passage. Other humans take up so much of my time that I am chronically depressed and angry as a result. I do not expect my battle to get significantly easier over time. I do hope to get stronger and less flappable. (I hear people taunting me with whoops, jeers, and sneers in the distance).
While walking up the hill today after hanging out near the coffee store, I was thinking about how distressed I felt at the notion of no one except for myself valuing the journal website I have been writing. One of the voices reaching me through wireless electromagnetic signals said that it did not think reading my journals is a waste of that person’s time (and that was sorely needed relief to my ears). I was also thinking that someday soon there will be artificial intelligences which can read my website in the span of just a few milliseconds and then spit out a very thorough analysis of what I have written such that I can get profound insights into what I have written which are not possible to procure without the aid of such technology. I do not expect any human other than myself to read what I have written intently. I have been worried for quite a long time that almost no one has been reading my web journal because my websites are censored by the government or by hackers who want to prevent me from having that deep of a web presence and from being discovered and appreciated by other humans for the work I cherish most and want to be known for by other humans. I am also angry that, despite multiple requests to the general public, no one has seriously given me any feedback about my journal website and no one has bothered providing feedback about that website’s accessibility. It’s like people are deliberately ignoring my most urgent requests because people want me to be humbler, meeker, and relegated to only talking about basic survival logistics only.
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At the risk of sounding paranoid and drama mongering, I feel the need to confess how scared I feel at the prospect of living with people who implicitly demand that I not feel as unhappy as I do nor to worry as much as I allow myself to because such people cannot relax unless I convince them that I am sufficiently relaxed and happy and not merely faking it. I am afraid that such people have been trying to drive me insane so that I end up being carted away to a mental hospital and tortured into compliance in order to be granted the right to leave the mental hospital (and every time I have ended up incarcerated in a mental hospital, it was always against my will and I was always forced to have my parents’ permission to be released and only allowed to leave with them picking me up in their cars while being their passengers). I used to fight with my mom over me not wanting to take prescription psychiatric medications while she insisted I did and even demanded that my father force me to dump the pills out of the bottle to show how many are there and for him to watch me ingest them (but my dad resisted and said that was too overbearing and that he did not want to force me to take drugs against my will). Eventually my mom stopped demanding I take drugs against my will (but she still tries to prevent me from saying anything which she does not approve of by insisting that I have a serious mental illness, that my perception of reality is skewed, and that I need professional help because of such an impairment. Hence, I hardly say much to my parents (nor to any human face to face). Most of my self expression is in the form of this website! Hence, if you want to know me, I suggest you take the time to read some of what I have written. (Perhaps to save YOU (dear reader) time, I will make a page which is referenced on the home page of this website which displays a succinct list of highlights pertaining to the 2022 journal entries I am afraid that making a super condensed highlights page of the 2022 journal portion of this website would be a waste of my time because almost no human wants to read ANYTHING I have written on this website. It’s like people are saying, “Karlina, shut up about your stupid website you self indulgent whore and join our tea party instead (and only talk to us and only talk to us about the aspects of the tea party we deem to be relevant). None of us have a spare second to do otherwise. Hence, neither should you. Get over yourself and stop trying to differentiate yourself from the herd. Your website does not deserve to be seen by anyone; not even you. Hell, your website doesn’t even deserve to exist. Just let it go already. Stop being such a show off be human for a change! Sheesh! What’s the matter with you? Get with the program before we have to deploy force to make you comply with us.”
Well, “in real life”, I have to pretend my website is non-existent and that only the tea party matters. I will try to live a “double life” such that I pretend to have no life outside the tea party but, when other people are not intently breathing down my neck and watching my every move, I will try to sneak in a secretive “love affair” with my personal websites and continue developing and reviewing them in the relative safety and comfort of such secrecy and seclusion. (That does not mean I intend to make my websites non public. I want all of my website pages and content hosted on those pages to be accessible to ANY person with an unrestricted Internet connection. In other words, I do not ever intend to make my personal websites into private diaries. I do not want people to have to pay money to access my websites nor to have to use a create a user account to read my website content. I want all the content I share through my WordPress websites to be backed up to the WayBack Machine at the Internet Archive and to be open source and public domain intellectual property forever).
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Thank you, dear reader, for the gargantuan effort you have made to read even a modicum of this journal website. I do not expect it to be an easy nor enjoyable read. Hence, you have made quite a sacrifice on my behalf to allocate some of your precious time, energy, and attention to what I have written. I am sorry if reading this website has been perceived by you as a waste of your time, energy, and attention. (Please do not tamper with my website nor censor it from the public World Wide Web. Please do not otherwise attempt to hurt me in retaliation for things I have said which you think is offensive, misleading, or dangerous).
This web page was last updated on 13_NOVEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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