KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_365
At the risk of stirring up more needless drama, I felt the need to say the following: I think that my father has been acting a bit incestuous (and my mother seems to know this and seems to be encouraging that I be treated that way) as a means to deter me from being at home and as a means to make me dull so that I avoid making people attracted to me. I would prefer to behave as though nothing like what I described is happening nor has ever happened because I want to get along with people instead of fight with them and because I do not want to renounce being able to use my house as a place to store my possessions, do laundry, take showers, charge electronics, and play the drums. To keep things from getting too awkward for me, I plan to keep camping outdoors, keeping my backpack with me most of the time, and spend most of my time out of my parents’ vicinity.
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I have the nagging suspicion that there are people in my life who want to prevent me from continuing to take testosterone injections because they prefer that I look more effeminate than I prefer to look and that such people will go so far as to suggest that I am brainwashed into taking the testosterone and presenting myself in a relatively masculine fashion against my will and as a defense mechanism against being sexually abused and otherwise mistreated as a result of appearing to be a woman instead of a man. Though I do believe I am generally treated better when I convincingly present myself as a man instead of as a woman, I am mostly taking the testosterone because I feel more comfortable inhabiting a relatively masculine body instead of a relatively feminine body. It’s akin to saying I’d rather drive a sports car instead of a limousine (because each of those cars are specialized for non overlapping purposes (and I prefer one of those purposes over the other)).
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I noticed that my parents are obsessed with monitoring my eating habits and controlling how much I eat and what I eat by trying to make me rely on them to buy me food instead of allowing me to buy my own food. Not to make false accusations, but I think that one or both of my parents are fat fetishists and are obsessed with trying to make me gain fat as a way of humiliating me and making me look more erotic according to a fat fetishist. Neither of my parents exercise so neither needs to consume many calories. I tend to be quite physically active and tend to eat a lot in comparison (and I feel stared down whenever I try to get food from my own kitchen as though I am on fat patrol and that I need to be treated like a ball getting fought over by opposing basketball teams playing a game of basketball so that the fat fetishist does not win or so that the skinny monger does not win (but I am the only person who seems to understand my nutritional needs and I think it is appropriate that I have control over my diet, exercise, sleep, hygiene, and study habits instead of letting people who are not as physically and mentally active have that control instead). Perhaps people (and not just my parents) demand that I put on more fat to prove that I am not to vain too hold down a job and to be acceptable to society.
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If I do not have jiggly protruding buttocks and breasts, men will not feel compelled to protect me from harm nor to treat me kindly (because they are only kind to prospective bearers of their offspring). For my own safety and to avoid being deprived of kindness, I ought to grow larger tits and ass. Otherwise, I am asking to be smacked around, hit with crowbars, and shot by a gun. If I do not look sufficiently feminine and if I look too masculine, guys will want to beat me up and maybe even kill me or lock me up in prison or maim me so that I am no longer their competition. (These are just late night wacky thoughts. Good night)!
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To be clear, when convincingly presenting myself as a man instead of as a woman, people (especially men) tend to treat me more the way I want to be treated. In particular, they treat me like I am capable of taking care of myself and that I have things to do with my time other than be wait to told what to do by someone smarter, physically stronger, and braver than me. Whether I present as a man or as a woman (and am just being myself), I noticed that women (especially those who are older than millennials and those who have kids) tend to be the most overtly rude to me. That is probably because they do not like the fact that I am not showing sufficient obligation to take care of kids, to spend all my time working long hours in order to pay for people other than myself to thrive, and to make heterosexual intercourse and matrimony implicitly mandatory. They denigrate me by calling me a big kid or big baby merely because I try my best to only do what I want to do and what I think is necessary to do instead of acting like I am too afraid to do what I want to do to actually do it. Perhaps those people are afraid to be single and childless because they are afraid they will become marginalized citizens and former friends and family members will shun them. Hence, rather than devote their lives to having as much fun as a nerdy teenage boy and having cool hobbies to look forward to after work, they grimace and bitterly complain and take out their anger on others because they never get to have “me time” because all their time is eaten up by work and family obligations.
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