KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_360


KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_360


image_link: https://github.com/karlinarayberinger/KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_PART_16C/blob/main/north_of_lake_chabot_trail_12_november_2022.jpg



Last night, after doing some pushups, writing in my journal, playing the drums briefly, and smoking pot while I was the only person at my dad’s house, I went into my room to do some spontaneous “witchcraft” ceremony. Before that, my cat Brea was sitting by the window near the front door; seemingly waiting for me to finish up whatever I was doing to tend to her. When I did, she purred and looked into my eyes as I pet her. Then she walked over to the front door signifying that she wanted to go outside. I opened the door and she walked outside. Then, I proceeded to do the “witchcraft” ritual in my room. First I peed into the red glass vase (and it was almost enough to fill a quarter of a 1.5 liter water bottle). I had a candle burning on my desk as I stood over it like it was an alter. I had the vase full of urine above the flame briefly as though I were scanning it into a database. I “scanned” other items such as a pine cone (whose Fibonacci Sequence spiral pattern on the flat side I admired), a small penis envy mushroom (which I proceeded to eat), and the wooden weed pipe (which I proceeded to smoke). After that, I poured the urine out of my room through the screen in the window pane. Then I put on my backpack with the intention to hike into the wilderness of Lake Chabot. As soon as I got to the front door, Brea was walking up to the door as I was opening it and she went inside as I went outside. I walked through the neighborhood using the shortest path I know of to get to Lake Chabot Regional Park through a gate bordering the edge of the neighborhood. I walked through the dark forest downhill and then walked to the north side of the lake and decided to lay down next to some cattails and an outhouse. After a while, I heard suspicious barking which seemed to be “in sync” with my emotions. I thought it was a dog but I did not hear any human with it. I turned to see the dog and saw the silhouette of a coyote standing on the trail barking, howling, and yapping. That went on for at least five minutes and I was glad for it because I craved the empathy of a wild animal (because such an animal seems to have more volition than a pet typically does). I have always gotten alone well with dogs. I imagine myself living alone in the wilderness with a dog and us running around. On second thought, I think it is best for me not to own a dog and to only own a cat because cats are relatively low maintenance and do not require being in captivity or on a leash. I had a relaxing miniature vacation at the lake and decided that I will make Lake Chabot my go-to refuge for at least the next few years (if not the rest of my life). Eventually I plan to get a job, but I decided not to worry about that right now and focus on something which I think is more important: healing my mind and unlocking my “dormant” creativity, inspiration, and joy which I remember experiencing as a teenager (and, as a teenager, I went to Lake Chabot and other wilderness regions near it to write and doodle in a paper journal and pretend I was the facilitator of my own meditation retreat (and I remember putting glitter glue on a picture of a candle I drew on a piece of paper which displayed a meditative holiday spirit poem to read before meditating next to the Christmas tree in my old house with nothing but the colorful tree lights on early in the morning before sunrise, basking in the solitude, quiet, and festive warmth. I actually like doing that kind of stuff and miss it. I have craved becoming a practitioner of my own personal spirituality since I was approximately 14 years old. Older women criticized me for being so self indulgent. Now that I am 32 years old and have a lot more experience under my belt, I can say that every activity is ultimately self indulgent. Hence, imma do what I want! (And what I want to do hardly costs anyone anything and is about living in harmony with all beings and appreciating reality to the best of my ability as a solitary, nerdy, sensitive “new age” (or perhaps just “eclectic secular spiritual”) person))) . I suppose what I am aspiring to do more than anything is become a super version of the teenager I used to be and to bring back the qualities and experiences I miss and which I fondly remember bringing me a lot of happiness. Included in that goal is resurrecting the early twenties version of myself who used to go on solitary bicycle rides around the Hayward shoreline and who aspired to become a software engineer and technology enthusiast in general. I used to seek out adventures related to my nerdy interests with a lot less of a sense of being inhibited and shamed for it. (Even as I attempt to write this note, several snarky white women have walked by saying rude things about me).


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