KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_354
I just got out of court and was told that my next court appointment is at East County Hall of Justice (5151 Gleason Drive, Dublin, CA 94568) on 30_NOVEMBER_2022 at 9AM in room 711.
As of now I would like to emphasize that I feel a deep “spiritual” compulsion to leave my past identity behind and to become more of a background object in the lives of other humans (and other beings) who serves as a relatively objective and non-intrusive witness. I especially want to treat my human body and mind as a machine which the transcendent and ubiquitous conscious I am (and which I define “God” to be) operates. I expect such a shift in perspective to change how I write and interact with Karlina’s environment. Also, to be clear, I am leaving Karlina’s legal name and legal gender unchanged while continuing to take testosterone injections for the remainder of Karlina’s life (provided that doing so is safe and that supplies are available).
* * *
I thought I should confess to the public that I lied about being gay. The truth is that I am not sexually attracted to humans and am basically asexual. If I do masturbate or engage in sexual activity, it is to get a hit of dopamine and to mitigate conflict. I think sex is generally a waste of my time and depressingly formulaic, bland, and over hyped by humans (but not partaking in it almost seems like a crime according to many humans). I suppose my ASEXUALITY reduces me to a prepubescent child in the eyes of others (and my ANDROGYNY is deliberate and primarily designed to make me attractive to myself (and after several years of continuous testosterone injections, I think I’ll be able to grow a beard and use the name Karl to refer to myself without it being awkward (and I prefer to present myself as a “man” instead of as a “woman” even though I think of myself as fundamentally having no gender (though I will say that I am “70% masculine and 30% feminine” if pressed to have a specific phenotypic and cultural preference)))). Yes, I must emphasize that I am happily SINGLE and want to remain that way forever.
* * *
For those who want to know what I mentally visualize while smashing my clitoris and sticking phallic objects in my vagina, I usually imagine things which look like nebulae and shapeshifting glowing plasma which explodes into geometric or random designs.
* * *
As a pantheist (and, more specifically, a believer in panpsychism), I find Nature to be erotic, sentient, and accommodating of all preferences.
* * *
For the first time since August 2020, I placed an order online for some cannabis product from the most local (to me) cannabis store: Garden of Eden in Hayward. I noticed that the store stopped selling vegan cannabis products and Hashtab pills, but they still sell fairly affordable smoke-able flower products. (Yes, I know I said I would stop smoking. Perhaps I will when I am richer). I ordered a preroll of Sativa for approximately $21 and I intend to smoke the whole thing in one sitting tonight in Dublin. I’ll try to stay up and work on programming assignments and get to tomorrow’s Tesla interview in Fremont at 1:30PM on time. I’m not stopping by my house tonight and I am keeping the tent stowed at ye old “bunny bush” instead of that tree next to the entrance of Santa Rita County Jail. I’d rather hang out in the garages. The area I was camping at is gross. It’s littered in rain-soaked animal poop and the acoustics are depressing. I’m trying to revive the good vibes of yesteryear by hanging out where I used to get high and work on programming assignments (particularly in 2021). I’m listening to some electronica music I downloaded several months ago. Heavy metal is getting old. (I went through at least a month where I listened to almost nothing but “old school” metal and I thought it felt stuck in antiquity and frozen (and rather infantile) emotions. Of course, I will always be a fan of good metal (and of any music I think is good). There is a lot of music to explore that I have yet to get around to).
So if I can help it, I am going to avoid using a tent as much as possible because (a) tents are not that great at keeping out the rain and (b) they are very claustrophobic to inhabit when one would rather be able to stand up indoors. I know I can find better alternatives.
* * *
Actually, now that I am reminded of how ugly that voiceover is which presides over Dublin BART parking garage and the surrounding area, I might just hang out in Castro Valley tonight instead of Dublin. I will end up smoking wherever I think I can have the best party (and if I end up going back to Castro Valley to smoke, I will put my tent back in my room at my dad’s house).
That voice in Dublin which irks me the most sounds like AJP trying to force me to stay in communication with him and available to be psychologically tortured by him. (It sounds like him using some kind of voice changer and automated voice recordings which sound in response to specific types of triggering events so that AJP can play boss while I play abused slave to that boss (and that is AJP attempting to “hijack” my career and lifestyle so that it fits AJP’s preferences first and foremost). I heard that voice just say, “You need something other than yourself to talk about”, and, a few minutes later, “It is what it is.”). I think it is helpful to assume that he has been given police-level privileges to act like my spouse even though I do not consent to such an arrangement and that plenty of “normal” people condone that such an arrangement take place even while I feel it violates my basic human rights because it is akin to a forced marriage. My information technology endeavors are not intended by me to be about being AJP’s partner, slave, or mentee. Instead, my information technology endeavors are mostly open source, done in my “free time”, and done entirely for my own amusement and maintenance of self esteem. (I would rejoice if AJP died because then I would no longer have to worry that AJP is stalking, harassing, and attempting to control my life from a good safe distance).
* * *
Perhaps I should stop sharing so much of my plans on this website. Tonight there are several different places I may end up going and several different activities I may end up doing.
* * *
I was about to enter the BART station to go to Hayward to pick up the preroll which I pre-ordered (and I am not billed until I arrive to pick up the merchandise) but I stopped as soon as I remembered that the store only sells non-vegan edibles and that I do not want to have to continue smoking (which is bad for respiratory health) nor continue purchasing petroleum in any form (including butane lighters). I decided that I will only buy edible cannabis and shrooms for the rest of this year.
Also, another piece of evidence suggesting that AJP wants to control my life is the email he recently sent me (and he also tried calling me at several times over the past few weeks) in which he suggests that I apply for some remote IT job. Though I appreciate honest feedback and encouragement to invest in a good career, I get the sense that AJP is not happy with me not being in a hurry to make lots more money (and I wonder if that is because AJP thinks I owe him something such as money). Also, I suspect that some people think that I need to credit AJP for my success and well-being in life and that I am obligated to remain in communication with him and in compliance with his whims.
Also, I postponed by DMV appointment to renew my driver’s license by one week and scheduled a new appointment to attempt to rent a mailbox at the UPS store in Castro Valley so that I can have my renewed driver’s license mailed to my rented mailbox instead of to my legal address.
As for the tent, I think I will keep it stowed in a safe spot in Dublin (especially in one of those oak trees on the hill near the entrance to Santa Rita County Prison because that seems like a good hiding spot compared to the bush near the “end of the line” Dublin BART station (and I trust that, even though I voluntarily share so much information about myself online, people generally not tamper with my belongings nor deliberately inflict suffering on me)). That way, my family cannot tell whether or not I am using the tent just by looking in my room. I might need to use that tent during rainy periods.
* * *
After thinking about it for a while (and after being bombarded by the same kind of microwave auditory effect harassment I was describing in a journal entry which I wrote yesterday (and in a journal entry which I wrote a few months ago) to the point that I feel too upset to work on my programming assignments until I get to a place where I am not so severely harassed), I decided that I will simply take the tent with me back to Castro Valley tonight and leave it in my room with my steel-toed work shoes and other personal equipment. The little girl depicted by the auditory harassment sounds sulky (like a passive aggressive adult pretending to be a child prostitute who is not getting the reaction she wants out of me), keeps saying derogatory things, and keeps making a distracting hissing sound which is actually interfering with my breathing and making it irregular and shallow.
This web page was last updated on 09_NOVEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
KARBYTES_FOR_LIFE_BLOG 