KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_352
After I bought approximately $43 worth of groceries from the Whole Foods Market in Dublin (I know that I can and arguably should spend less money on food), I carried my groceries back to my tent, ate most of them, and laid down to think and then to take a light nap (because I thought that I needed some time to “meditate” and/or “decompress” and I thought that it would be a good idea to catch up on sleep considering that I only slept for less than three hours last night (but my circadian rhythm is already disregulated because my subconscious mind thinks I am likely going to start working full-time night shifts)). A little after 5PM, the Rockin’ Jump indoor trampoline park which I vaguely remember jumping at several years ago with friends (and which is conveniently located less than 100 meters away from where my tent is) called me to schedule an onsite job interview. The person on the phone asked me what day and time would work for me and I said Thursday at 11AM. Minutes after that phone call ended, I realized that my onsite interview with Tesla in Fremont was scheduled for that day at 1:30PM (and I thought that I would not have enough time to attend both interviews since taking BART and walking to the Tesla factory could take as long as three hours if not longer). I tried calling the Rockin’ Jump back to reschedule but twice I was put on hold for what I thought was an unreasonably long time. The third time I called I was not able to exit the automated menu which said to press 4 in order to speak to a staff member. I hung up and tried again and was able to talk to a staff member who was able to reschedule my interview with them for 11AM on Wednesday (which is tomorrow). Shortly after that while browsing the Internet, my phone ran out of battery reserves. I walked to the Dublin BART station garage to charge my electronics. Within minutes of turning my phone on while it was charging, it forced a software upgrade (which I worried would consume all of my remaining mobile data before completing the software update download). As I was waiting for the process to finish, I started thinking about incomplete C++ assignments I have to do with respect to getting Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com up to date for the new year. As I did, some person rudely honked (and held down the horn button for at least 30 seconds per honk) four times seemingly in response to my thoughts veering towards “sensitive topics”. (A related matter is when I worked at the Fremont Tesla factory back in 2020 inspecting doors on racks with two other employees who I think were named “Moses” and “Abraham” and who were each at least 40 years old and moderately rotund African American men. I had the sense they were trying to drop hints about how I should be spending my time not wasting my college education (and they were friendly to me and each had a pleasant demeanor). One of them said that he worked two full-time jobs: the night shift factory job at Tesla (in order to help make ends meet) and a personal business as a software developer. I will never forget the way his eyes lit up and his voice insinuated some kind of quasi-sacredness when he said the word “code” (as if to signal that he knew I too was a computer programmer and that he knew that I had been procrastinating for years on getting back to making computer science as high of a priority in my life as I really thought it should be). That may be the single most contentious aspect about my life between the years 2015 and 2023: having the functional equivalent of a bachelor’s degree in computer science but, for whatever reason, not being able to make computer science studies as high of a priority in my day-to-day routine as I think I ought to be (and that could be because neither one of my parents want me to have that kind of career path to look forward to and would prefer that I either settle for living on a fixed income due to feigning a disability or else working at a job which does not require an educational background beyond high school).
I know that what I said in the previous paragraph (especially the last sentence) is a bit controversial. It may be considered to be slander. I do not mean to be making false accusations of anyone trying to sabotage my career and lifestyle goals, but I seem to be the only person in my life right now who is supportive of me continuing to write software. I seem to encounter a lot of resistance from other people whenever I attempt to work on computer science assignments seemingly because the people who resist me are envious and insecure about me appearing to be smarter and more “upwardly mobile” than they are. For that reason, I would say that one of the biggest obstacles to me doing what I want to do is other people acting jealous of me for having such ambitions and hence those people try to sabotage my efforts to continue to advance my computer science skills and knowledge.
That snarky and naggingly intrusive female voice which infiltrates my mind through what I think is microwave auditory effect is seemingly trying to prevent me from going into further detail about what I just said. I can tell that “she” is trying to suppress my intelligence and force me to be incapacitated by anxiety and anger over being physically prevented from thinking my own thoughts while “she” tries to use up as much of my cognitive resources as possible to process unhelpful and antagonistic filibuster content. (The experience I am describing is perhaps the biggest trigger to me thinking suicidal thoughts. Not being able to pursue my highest priority goals is not something I am currently willing to settle for. Hence, if I think my chances of being able to do the things I most care about are too low, I have very little incentive to want to continue living because my life is not sufficiently enjoyable for me and, instead, I think that my life would feel to me like a performance to show myself and others how good I am at tolerating severe torture and deprivation with extremely little satisfaction to make it seem worthwhile to me). I am trying to avoid thinking about suicide because I really want to live (and I think I have more ambition and zest for life than most humans do because I have had more time than most humans have to ponder existential matters and to become self-educated).
The main reason why I have not been sleeping in my tent in Dublin and have, instead, been sleeping at that Lutheran church in Castro Valley is because that voice I referred to on this page is that distressing for me to have to deal with. Either the same voice or some “watered down” variant of it plays into my head at that spot where my tent is located (and that voice is so stifling of my mental activity that I can hardly even have dreams when I sleep there). If I cannot dream, I cannot really learn. Perhaps I really do have to minimize how much time I spend in Dublin because the microwave auditory effect voices here are more disruptive to my progress than are the microwave auditory effect voices in Castro Valley.
I heard some voices say that the bullying female voice near the “end of the line” BART station in Dublin is trying to punish me and to discourage me for the “crime” of being “too self focused”. Apparently, thinking about my computer science projects is criminally self indulgent. Apparently, I am supposed to be more of a humanities major (who is focused on the plight of the poor working class Americans (especially racial minorities) to the exclusion of being able to focus on natural sciences, engineering, and mathematics) than a STEM (Science Technology Engineering Mathematics) major.
I would rather not dwell on the topic of marginalized subsets of the human population and, instead, focus on more transcendent, futuristic, and impersonal subject matter.
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Possibly Relevant Topic: #physics_envy
Wikipedia: ‘…”Physics envy” refers to the envy (perceived or real) of scholars in other disciplines for the mathematical precision of fundamental concepts obtained by physicists. It is an accusation raised against disciplines (typically against social sciences and liberal arts such as literature, philosophy, economics, and psychology) when these academic areas try to express their fundamental concepts in terms of mathematics, which is seen as an unwarranted push for reductionism…’
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