As far as I currently know, the single biggest stressor in my life is having too little time off from constantly being in the line of sight and within hearing range of other humans. I am not even employed at a job yet and I already feel burnt out and depressed from having too little private space and time in which to decompress. Over the past five years I seem to have been stressed out most of the time and not able to fully recover between episodes of feeling so sorely deprived of solitude and quietude that I have almost always been in a chronic state of intense panic and despair even while attempting to cheer myself up. I often feel like the only introvert within a crowded place which seems to only pander to extroverts while introverts are implicitly forced to go into hiding or else pretend to be an extrovert.
(It was suggested to me that I am being subject to mind control technologies which are designed to discourage me from talking to myself out loud and from moving and thinking in ways which are deemed to be “too eccentric” for the general public to feel comfortable observing. I enjoy talking out loud to myself, but I seem to be living in a society which makes it an implicit crime to talk unless there are multiple persons present. I have a rich inner life, however. Hence, talking out loud to myself feels like an engaging conversation between multiple personalities. Perhaps the extrovert-only cultural norm discourages such a richness of an inner life because that is seen as having an affair which excludes other people).
* * *
Lately I have been harassed most hours of the day and nonstop by a soft, high pitched, whimpering voice (beamed into my skull wirelessly) which makes plaintive, passive aggressive, bratty, sniveling, and depression mongering noises and phrases. The following image is a depiction of what that voice looks like in my imagination.
(I tried to draw that bitch, but every time I made a drawing of her, I thought her face looked a lot prettier than what I imagine her face to look like. So rather than waste any more of my time attempting to draw her like how I imagine her to look, I will attempt to paint a picture of her using only words: tiny upturned nose between big eyes framed with eyelashes and thin arching eyebrows which look innocent yet haughty, a tiny mouth which is open while appearing to make a “weeeaahh” sound (or about to suck a cock), tiny fat fingers pressed expectantly onto a table which she is leaning on, a butt arched up beneath a pleated skirt, feet inside of laceless shoes which are standing on the toes, black hair which frames a heart shaped face, brown skin, big doll-like head atop a disproportionately small, short-limbed, and slightly pudgy body, a big gaudy bow on top of her head, a plunging neckline exposing her prepubescent breasts and pudgy little torso, and her making some kind of soft, whimpering, whining, wailing, hissing, inarticulate and lacking in confidence mumbling, cloying, colicky, cooing sound to get someone’s attention like she just wants to annihilate any fun and wit which might be occurring in her midst).
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I suspect that the auditory harassment I described in this journal entry and elsewhere throughout this website is designed to torture me into staying indoors and dependent on my mom’s car to get around. I bet that there is a campaign being waged by many civilians to coerce me into going back to driving instead of walking because such people want to make driving a motor vehicle an implicit requirement for employment eligibility and even the right to be healthy.
* * *
If I end up settling for borrowing my mom’s (petroleum powered) car and using that to commute instead of walking, I will make a journal entry about. So far, I still have not given up on going car free.
* * *
P: “I cannot get to work nor take care of errands without a car.”
karbytes: “I will agree with what you said. I, however, seem to have ways of getting around without a car.”
P: “You won’t be able to keep that up for much longer. Sooner or later, you are going to need a car.”
karbytes: “Perhaps you are right.”
* * *
P: “It’s not okay for people to have backpacks stocked with survival gear which enables those people to comfortably sleep and use their laptop computers outdoors. We have to discourage such behavior and keep people indoors for their safety and not allow them to spend any more time than absolutely necessary outdoors. People like karbytes need to be prevented from engaging in such antics because engaging in such antics makes karbytes a liability; a person who inconveniences others by taking up so much space in public and being unnecessarily vulnerable to danger. Companies should not hire karbytes for a job unless karbytes renounces such antics and karbytes should be deprived of basic necessities as a means to force karbytes to renounce such antics.”
karbytes: “I see. Perhaps I will have to renounce being car free, sleeping outside, using my laptop in public, and just being outside in relatively populated areas without a car or some kind of motor vehicle to make sure I am not loitering in public any more than necessary. Perhaps I am being bullied into having to almost always be indoors and out of the public eye.”
P: “Duh. Get with the program! Stop being such a child and get out of the way. Stop being such an eyesore in public.”
karbytes: “I’ll try my best to satisfy all parties (but I prioritize satisfying myself before satisfying anyone else).”
* * *
Even though this might seem ridiculously trivial, I cannot help hut notice and be irked by the high prevalence of “flash bang” motion-activated floodlights which seem to be mounted to almost every house I walk past in Castro Valley. It’s like people are supposed to “hunker down” and stay indoors as soon as the sun goes down as though everyone is under an implicit curfew (while those who prowl around in the dark are treated like criminal suspects just for being outside at night (and those lights feel like a buzz kill because getting startled by those flashes is disruptive to my flow of thought and movement)). Also, I cannot help but feel overwhelmed by the many bright car headlights passing by me and staring me down from parked cars. People also seem to honk their cars a lot at times which seem to coincide with me thinking a particularly original rather than conformist thought. Perhaps the only place I can get a break from being around people constantly is Lake Chabot and other rural areas which are far away from residential areas.
* * *
One aspect of walking next to where cars drive is frequently being forced to inhale what I think are dangerous (yet legal) amounts of toxic car fumes which are produced by combusting petroleum (because there is not a sufficiently high demand for clean energy commute methods (including especially solar powered cars) by the general population for clean commute methods to be widely affordable due to the fact that the vast majority of people do not have much in the way of anxiety about the current and future state of Earth’s environment). To avoid inhaling toxic car fumes, I can (a) invest in a gas mask and wear it every time I walk through a relatively polluted area, (b) stay away from such areas, or (c) drive a car with the windows shut so that I do not have to spend so much time inhaling pollution even while adding more pollution to the environment and implicitly communicating to other people that I condone combusting petroleum as a means to get around. I think that most people condone c and b.
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Perhaps the following is the most important takeaway from this journal entry: at least once per week (but preferably every day), take at least 30 consecutive minutes to indulge in solitude with electronics put into airplane mode or else turned off in order to simply allow the contents on one’s own mind to work themselves out while relatively unencumbered by external influences; to bask in the incomparable peace and spaciousness of nature; to finish trains of thought which may otherwise be truncated and left to accumulate as ever mounting unfinished business and sources of disease. Habitually meditating versus not habitually meditating may be the single most significant factor which separates a wise, happy, and harmonious person from someone who is sophomoric, unhappy, and riddled with cognitive dissonance. Perhaps what I have most wanted to incorporate and make a permanent part of my life is a regular meditation practice. Nothing seems more counter-cultural to me than that. People who are able to cultivate mental space in which thoughts, emotions, and sensory throughput is allowed to churn freely seem to have more free will, inner peace, and intelligence than those who are not able to commit to such a practice.
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Even though this seems to be a denial of my constitutional right to nonviolently practice whatever religion I choose to, no activity which I have attempted to practice has garnered as much opposition from other people (especially law enforcement) as has mindfulness meditation.
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Some redundancy is good. This website is a gift to my future selves. It brings me a modicum of comfort now to assume that this website will be available for my future selves to look at to see how much I have triumphed over adversity. That is something for me to be proud of and grateful for. This is me attempting to be my own best friend to the best of my ability.
* * *
As soon as I arrived back at my dad’s house after walking up the hill through Castro Valley, I was horrified to discover that my key to my mom’s car was missing from my metal container wallet. (Also, as usual, the house is filled with a heavy amount of cigarette smoke even though I tried in vain in the past multiple times to ask my dad to stop letting his cigarette smoke get into the house. He replied that he would simply keep the door of his smoking room (which is attached to the laundry room (which is attached to the kitchen)) shut to prevent the smoke from getting into the house (but the smoke still gets in under the door and after he leaves the door open when he is not sitting in that room). I imagine conservative republicans (and even some democrats) sadistically laughing in delight over the fact that I have no choice but to live without a car (seemingly as punishment for complaining about not wanting to have to drive a petroleum powered car while more than 99% of people around me do). I think that such people rejoice in the fact that I have no break from being being swarmed and harassed in public. Apparently, that is the punishment I “deserve” for daring to complain so openly about not wanting to be so car dependent and not wanting to be forced to be sedentary, chased until I am hidden away from the public eye indoors, and policed into not being able to make any room in my life for a meditation practice.
Although this may not have anything to do with me, I have noticed that, during the past few times I have walked home at night and left after a few hours, there is a truck which is parked next door whose headlights are always on whenever I enter or exit the premises seemingly in order to nonverbally communicate that those people are watching my every move and that I am being closely monitored by control freaks who want to suppress my thoughts, speech, and movements to the point that my body is effectively molded into a straitjacket and my mind is practically kept chronically offline so that other people can pump their propaganda through my nervous system and force me to think in their words instead of mine. I noticed that almost no one has communicated any concern for the plight I just described.
I called my mom on the phone to tell her that I misplaced my car key and she said that she would get around to getting a new one for me and leaving it in the key cabinet at her house. She also said that it is good that I stay close to home and that she is feeling like a homebody these days and hardly wants to go out and that her elderly father does not have Life Alert because she is his Life Alert. I talked to her about my job search and she told me to just stick to whatever job hires me. I told her that I refuse to stay at a job where I feel mistreated or taken advantage of. That’s when my mom claimed that the phone connection was bad and that she could not hear me. I hung up because I did not want to deal with her likely pretending not to hear me because she did not like what I had to say. I noticed that she tends to have very selective hearing and only responds to things I say which she approves of. Otherwise, she goes on and on with a canned spiel about how my mental faculties are not trustworthy. I am trying my best to be on as good of terms as possible with everyone, but I do feel that I really only have myself (and this website (which I intend to be accessible to the general public)) to confide in at this time. If things get really hard for me, I might see a counselor online just so that I have a relatively objective and professional and compassionate person to talk to so that I do not end up feeling crippled by a sense of social isolation. Then again, I might be able to tough out being this socially isolated and friendless for months if not years to come. Perhaps part of what I am attempting to prove to myself and to other people is that it is possible for a human to be quite sane even without much in the way of social support (especially if that person spends time in public amidst other people regularly such as on trains, in coffee shops, at jobs, and at special interest club meetups).
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