03_NOVEMBER_2022: I am having a bit of a debate with myself over whether or not I should resume taking testosterone. (From early 2009 to mid 2010, I took an injection of testosterone cypianate once every two weeks starting with relatively small doses injected into my deltoids and progressing to the full-size dose (i.e. what is typical of a biological male human my age, weight, and height) and I stopped because I had the permanent voice change I wanted and I did not want to have to be so dependent on something outside myself to feel comfortable in my own skin). If I were to get arrested and sent to prison, I would be placed in a female only exhibit and probably not allowed to take hormones even if I identify as transgendered because the legal system wants to keep everything as simple as possible. I have heard people who work for the state suggest that people who take “gender affirming” hormones are vain and are only doing so for the same reason they would be undergoing plastic surgery. Hence, if a surgery, medicine, or some other medical procedure is not necessary to saving someone from dying, being crippled, or going through excruciating pain, that medical care is considered by the state to be superfluous. Nevertheless, I am going to try to get back on the testosterone because I think it will help me feel less awkward in my body. Even though I pretend not to mind, I do not like it when people treat me “like a girl”. If I had a nice beard to sport and a more easy to maintain musculature, I doubt very many people would assume I am a female and, hence, those people would treat me like just some guy (for better or for worse).
There is a part of me really trying to break the ice and get me to realize how I can most easily “win the game” by needing as few external props to sustain my identity as possible, but I see that becoming a slippery slope into renouncing having much in the way of possessions, hobbies, and preferences at all. The person who wants me to just settle for being called whatever pronouns other people want to call me and not doing much other than basic routine maintenance to keep up my health, fitness, smarts, and good legal standing wants me to be as low maintenance and ready for adventure as possible. If I am on the testosterone long enough, my menstruation cycles will cease until and unless I stop taking the testosterone. I am not sure whether that is healthy or not. I would be volunteering myself as a human specimen in a biology and medical experiment where not very much information is known about the long term effects of “gender affirming” hormone therapy. Though I often say that I want to live forever, I doubt that I will be able to and that, within the next 200 years I will die from some kind of injury or illness which is related to my body being too damaged from being exposed to harmful chemicals in the environment, radiation, and the stress of “modern” living. (I believe that it is physically possible for humans to extend their lifespans for at least 700 years and that any and all organs can be replaced using a patient’s own stem cells, but I digress. That might be the most in demand commodity in human civilization (which is why it seems to difficult to make affordable and accessible to every human)).
So in about an hour I expect to get a phone call from a Planned Parenthood clinic in San Francisco to discuss the possibility of me getting back on testosterone. I am pretty sure I have Medi-Cal for my health insurance, but I do not know what my Medi-Cal number is yet. I will probably have to pay some kind of copay to cover the cost of getting blood work done prescription written up and renewed for testosterone. Maybe it would be best for me to say never mind and just not deal with all that “superfluous” business. (As “superfluous” as altering my physical appearance may be deemed, I still think it is likely going to be worth my time and something I will not regret. I do not ever intend to get “gender reassignment surgery” nor any other kind of surgery which is not related to some kind of life-saving procedure. I also plan to keep my legal name and legal sex the same as what is on my original birth certificate (i.e.Karlina Ray Beringer and female), but if people ask me what I am, I will tell them as plainly as possible (i.e. that I am a female-to-male transgendered person; a female bodied human taking testosterone in order to have some of the phenotypal characteristics of a cisgendered male bodied human and that my pronoun is “it” rather than “she” or “he” though I will not make a big deal out of people calling me any pronouns and and names)).
So why do I want to take the testosterone? For personal comfort; to look more like how I feel (and prefer to feel) on the inside. This is not to denigrate women. I just never felt comfortable being a cisgendered woman at any point in my life. I figure that making my body feel like home for me as much as possible is one of the best things I can do for myself because, with that level of comfort, whatever tasks I need to do in the human world will be easier (because socializing is not fun when I feel forced to look, think, and act like the wrong stereotype (and I am afraid that, unless I put up a fight to control what I do with my body, other people will force me to conform to a generic stereotype based on cherry picked evidence other people want to emphasize (which means that I have to fight to emphasize what would otherwise be buried)).
* * *
After being evicted from the area I was sitting at (because it is closed for day-time use) and walking for a few minutes, it occurred to me that the realest reason why I am interested in taking the testosterone is to make myself as sexually attractive to myself as possible. I figure that I cannot overstate the fact that I intend to remain single and childfree for the rest of my life. As “perverse” as this may sound, I get all the pleasure I need on my own as my own best friend and lover (though I am open to having casual sexual encounters occasionally and not so much regularly). It would be easier for me to have sex with other humans if I feel comfortable in my gender expression. I think it is self abusive to deny myself the right to take testosterone merely to maintain attractive (or, at the very least, non threatening) to heterosexual guys. If I ever have sex with other humans in the future, I would only voluntarily do so if they did not demand that I be more effeminate than I want to be. Most of the time, I prefer to spend my time alone and frequently out in nature and/or in a “cave” while immersed in using my laptop computer.
Lastly, I think it is helpful to inform the public that I “lost my virginity” anally rather than vaginally first. In other words, a phallus went into my ass before a phallus went into my pussy (and the phallus was a real dick on a cisgendered male approximately my age: SED (i.e. Spencer Eugene Dyer)). I think that helps to support the claim that I have the mind of a gay male (though I consider myself to be pansexual (i.e. able to be sexually attracted to people of any gender and any sexual configuration).
* * *
I was able to complete the phone appointment with Planned Parenthood successfully (and they were able to use my social security number to look up my Medi-Cal information and tomorrow I have an in-person appointment to record my blood pressure and hemoglobin count). If all goes well, I will be able to pick up three months worth of testosterone injection supplies from a local pharmacy (and every three months I will need to get my blood work done to check my hormone levels, cholesterol levels, et cetera as well as refill my prescription). There is a website to keep track of my doctor appointments, prescriptions, insurance, and other relevant personal information (see the screenshot image below).
This web page was last updated on 04_NOVEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.