KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_284
I have been suffering more than I can stand every day for the past few years as a result of having been forced to listen to listen to harassing auditory messages which infiltrate my consciousness constantly from law enforcement. While riding on the BART train from Dublin to Castro Valley tonight, it dawned on me that the reason why I am being subject to what I think is extreme psychological torture is because law enforcement personnel think that I deserve to be deprived of comfort, wellness, inspiration, intellectual growth, and other things which I want because (a) I have already enjoyed “too good of a standard of living for too long” without sacrificing most of my time and energy to work in exchange for sufficient money to earn my keep and (b) because law enforcement is opposed to me practicing mindfulness meditation, yoga, and other “holistic” and “spiritual” activities which law enforcement thinks is childish, self-indulgent, and anti-American. I am afraid that I will be forced to spend most of what remains of my life (if not the entirety of what remains of my life) being subject to this psychological torture (and I believe that this psychological torture is seriously hindering my personal growth endeavors to the extent that I am afraid I am physically unable to garner much of a return on any of my investments and more than 90% of my effort and time is wasted).
Do I feel suicidal over what I described? Yes (but I try to trick myself into not killing myself by playing a game with myself in which I pretend that I only have less than 6 months to live at a time so that I keep myself busy getting my affairs in order so that I can die with as much peace as possible (which is not very much given the fact that I am being severely obstructed from being able to accomplish my goals)). What makes me want to abruptly stop playing that game is the thought that my goal-oriented efforts are in vain and that, the harder I work to achieve my goals, the more disappointed, battered, and depleted of vitality and optimism I feel as time progresses. I noticed that my goals are getting smaller and less ambitious as time progresses because of what I describe. I feel that I am so deprived of space to hear myself think and so deprived of a break from being seriously tortured that I literally cannot enjoy most of my time despite how hard I try to.
I am starting to think that I am being tortured into being so minimalist and detached from material existence that I am preparing to be a monk who practices some kind of personal ideology which borrows some aspects from Buddhism, Taoism, Hinduism, and Christianity (but is nevertheless what I would call a secular ideology rather than a faith-based religion). Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com is meant to be my greatest legacy and the most physical medium which preserves and which showcases to the general public my personal ideology. I am doing my best to make it as streamlined, concise, and well worded as possible. It basically is a rather small website which contains rather simple computer programming examples and philosophical prose pages and nothing more.
I would like to become more quiet, secluded, and minimalist to the extent that I am almost a mute, almost a hermit, and a celibate for life. I have renounced having sex with other people, having close friendships with other people, having expensive material possessions (i.e. things which cost more than $1,000), and even traveling the world. I am basically in my twilight years preparing to die young.
(When I am not working on my grand website project, I am most likely doing survival-oriented tasks or else browsing the Internet. That is how I intend to spend the rest of my life. There is not much more to look forward to than that (and I am okay with that). It gives me some pride to be in the practice of becoming as low-maintenance and out of other people’s way as possible. I am trying to be a good stoic who does not freak out and who does its best to be reserved, poised, and resilient in the face of adversity however excruciating).
The bullies who torment me are probably having more fun than I am (and I think they are having fun at my expense and get sadistic delight from knowing I am in almost unbearable suffering (and that, if I am honest and dwell on the matter intently enough, I admit I am in more pain than I can stand the vast majority of the time (if not every millisecond of every day))). The bullies outnumber me and seem to be winning the war over control over my body, mind, and personal property (intellectual and physical). I am definitely not having fun anymore. I am not allowed to. I am just holding onto the few things I still have left to live for (and there is not much). That is why I am starting to go mute. I have so little to talk about to other people now that my life is almost over and the damage which has been done to me seems irreversible and pervasive to a seriously debilitating extent. I am making preparations to end my life in a manner which will hurt people as little as possible. My family members will most likely be the only people who are seriously distraught over my death. I feel bad for them, but tragedies like my pending suicide are not that uncommon (especially in the United States of America; a country which is infamous for being a place which mongers sickness, dysfunction, and savagery).
I plan to die by “accidentally” falling from a very tall cliff in Yosemite or some other place where I am not likely going to injure others. I hope to have my websites finalized and each of their constituent pages backed up at least a hundred times before I take my own life. (The bullies are calling me derogatory names for saying what I have said, but that is not sufficient to stop me from ending my life. The bullies are such a painful burden to put up with that I think it will be worth it if I end my life “too soon” for them to stand. They do not want me to be happy. They just want to keep me alive so that they can derive sadistic pleasure from torturing me and watching me suffer from a good safe distance).
This web page was last updated on 24_OCTOBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
KARBYTES_FOR_LIFE_BLOG 