In an attempt to make what I say a self fulfilling prophecy, I am claiming that this journal entry is the realest I have ever been in my life.
Without personal preferences, I am afraid that I would do whatever other people hypnotize me into doing. That is why I do not condone “going with the flow” nor “relaxing and trusting the universe”. I believe that every human being in the United States of America is being subliminally controlled by electromagnetic signals which strongly influence how people think, perceive, and behave all while most of those people are unaware that they are being hypnotized in that way. I think that a typical American is artificially lazy yet blames itself for being lazy when, in reality, the mind control technologies from the government are grooming people to be complacent and preoccupied with money and social status to the exclusion of contemplating existential matters deeply. Metaphorically speaking, a person gets electrocuted for thinking a single thought which strays from what “the matrix” condones as soon as “the matrix” detects the formation of a deviant thought. To avoid pain is all (most) people seem to be doing (as far as I can tell).
The only reason why most people seem to keep on breathing is because it is too painful for them to cease breathing. Likewise, the reason why most people do not actually commit suicide is because doing so is too inconvenient (because it takes careful planning and some degree of effort and sneaking around to successfully complete a suicide (and there exists the risk that a person about to commit suicide will be stopped by other people and locked up in a cage to suffer further (and there exists the risk that a person who attempts to commit suicide will fail to commit suicide and end up maimed and, hence, in an even more miserable position than before the suicide attempt occurred))). If suicide were as easy as walking into a doctor’s office to have a “same day”, “no questions asked”, “no conditions required” physician assisted suicide performed, I think that at least 30% of the population would pursue that option while the other 70% (or less) of the population would be mostly comprised of people who pride themselves on being able to grin and bare chronic and seemingly inescapable suffering.
I was thinking about re-writing the AGENCY page of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com to focus more on personal preferences and that lead to me thinking about making another backup of that entire website today and then refactoring that entire website to be more succinct, well-worded, and well-reasoned. What stresses me out (almost) more than anything is (seemingly) not being able to work on my website for as long of sit-down sessions as I want to as frequently as I want to and while not being harassed by psychotronic harassment which robs me of attention, euphoria, and stamina to a crippling extent. Perhaps I will go ahead and make that backup today and then, tonight while in a special secluded place I have to hike hours to get to, I will consume the entire container of magic mushrooms I have been waiting for the right opportunity to use with my laptop fully charged so that I can focus on making my website as good as I can get it. Then, after that, I will probably only add one new page to that website at a time rather than have a bunch of unfinished pages waiting to be completed on that website. (I will also backup the current “starter pack” GitHub repository pertaining to that website and upload the zip file containing all of its contents to my Archive dot Org library (and then delete that GitHub repository and then recreate that GitHub repository using the same name and with updated files)).
I feel the “need” to keep moving in accordance to a deep sense of “flow” which my body and mind are connected to; a sense of transcendent intelligence. The idea of stagnation disgusts and enrages me. I have spent “too much” time already waiting for “the right” opportunity to go and have been making progress only by excruciating means up until now. I need to stop allowing other people to set the pace of my personal progress and to dictate what my priorities are. I have lost the patience to try to get other people to understand and to appreciate what I do. I have also lost the patience to argue with people (especially people who seem hellbent on opposing me and giving me endless adversity to deal with just so that I never get around to doing what I actually want to do)!
Ahhh!!!!!!!!! There. Time to back up that GitHub repo and go!
There are people who keep bullying me every step I take and it is undeniably stressful for me to deal with. It is a minute by minute battle for me to not let those bullies incapacitate me (such that I do little more than wait for them to stop being so painful to deal with). I am not impatient with my creative process. The bullies are. Their impatience is perhaps my biggest hindrance and handicap. I lose sleep and mental focus and vitality because other people insist on depriving me of time and space to hear myself think while those other people force feed my mind with low quality filibuster content. I am alone in my struggle. To be honest, I really do not have real human friends nor am I waiting for real human friends to enter my life. If other people want to know what I am really up to, they can read my journal web pages. I do not want to have to repeat what I have already written. I do not want to have to debrief other people about what I am doing if they cannot or will not read what I have already written. I do not want to have to spend so much time dwelling on things which are no longer relevant just because other people are fixated on them. Generally speaking, it is much easier for me to just work on my projects in isolation and without requesting other people’s feedback and companionship. When it comes to artistic endeavors, I can get so much more done alone than in a group (but in “normal society”, I am supposed to say that I cannot accomplish anything without being part of a team (and I have to say that I cannot get any art done without convincing people that I deserve to be paid to acquire art supplies and space in which to use those art supplies)).
This web page was last updated on 21_OCTOBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.