Today I asked my mother if she could help me pay for that BART fare evasion citation and she said that, although she did not have enough cash, she did have a credit card and was able to use her credit card to pay off the citation in full. Also today, I was able to get in contact with Smart & Final store employees to discuss the next steps in my new hire onboarding and they said I should come into the store tomorrow morning with my I-9 documents because that is when the store manager is scheduled to be present. (To make sure that I do not oversleep, I plan on staying up all night tonight. Over the past two weeks, I have had difficulty going to sleep at night and have been mostly sleeping between 5AM and 11AM). I took a selfie of myself wearing my new stylish dark blue jeans (pants) which are neither tight nor loose fitting (which makes them slightly on the baggy and boxy side but neither “ghetto” (i.e. too baggy) nor “slutty” (too tight) (and if I were to pull of a “ghetto” look (which I might do once in a while once I have money to buy more luxuries, I might get some baggier jeans with chains hanging out of the pockets and some “blingy” chain necklace))), my crisp barely worn black t-shirt which I custom ordered from CafePress which displays “Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com” in bright green sans serif font. Then I shared that selfie on my Instagram, Twitter, Minds, and even Facebook profiles. Finally, over the past 48 hours, I have started to lose my desire for smoking weed out of that little carved wooden pipe because (a) that method of consuming THC is not very efficient (b) smoking (especially without water like in a bong to remove some of the harsh smoke particles) is painful and unhealthy to my respiratory system, and (c) I do notice that I am less drowsy and less attention span deficient when I abstain from smoking weed. Tonight I am planning on putting that weed smoking kit away in my room at my father’s house to keep as a memento of the past. I also plan on doing laundry, showering, and maybe even playing the drums. I still have about five grams of penis envy shrooms in a reused vitamin bottle in my backpack that I am waiting to do all in one sitting while sitting in a dark, secluded, and safe place perhaps sometime this weekend. While perusing Actualized dot Org forums, some forum user suggested that the best way to do shrooms is to do them in a dark, quiet, and safe place because that way allows one to “go deep” (whatever that means). Right now, I am not too woried about being able to get a job because my self confidence and optimism about the world at large has increased within the past three days (especially after getting each of the prose pages of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com as up to date as possible). The only anxiety I have left hanging over me like a dark cloud (besides the usual fear of becoming crippled, incarcerated, or dying “too soon”) is the dread of knowing I have to spend many hours (if not days) getting each of the code pages of Karlina Object dot WordPress dot Com up to date (and the thought police are especially intrusive and demoralizing whenever I attempt to do anything which looks like it might permanently upgrade my standard of living and self esteem (and I have only recently started to come to the conclusion that the thought police are more harmful than helpful and are legally entitled to be abusive bullies who lie, steal, and inflict psychological and even physical torture on targets like me. I have come to the conclusion that the thought police are fighting me relentlessly and vehemently every step I take towards my personal goals because those tyrants are jealous, lazy, insecure, chauvinistic, small-minded, anti-progressive, anti-intellectual, misery-mongering bigots who are desperate to prevent me from recovering from the many setbacks I have gotten into over the past few years. If there is any “takeaway” moral lesson I could say I gleaned as a result of being subject to such extremist bullying, I would say it is to not fall for the trap of siding with abusive, powerful tyrants merely because those people seem to get there way while others do not. No matter how much I admire and defend such bullies, there is no guarantee that my loyalty to them will be returned. Also, siding with the bully is anti-heroic because doing so is me implicitly suggesting that the bullies deserve to be treated like royalty merely because they use brute force, intimidation, and deceptive tactics to scam people, to steal from them, and to ruin their lives so that only the bullies get to thrive while everyone else lives in squalor and positions of relative powerlessness. I would rather be a humanist who advocates for every human’s welfare and who does not give into the temptation to be either a bully or else a helpless victim. Instead, I would rather be a “rational optimist” who makes lifelong learning, holistic fitness, and personal authenticity my highest priorities).
Breaking the Fourth Wall: I am cringing over how much my life could be described as “cringe”. I should not have dropped out of college. I should not have been so complacent about getting and keeping a job. I should not have assumed that life would be easier without my own source of financial income. I feel bad relying on my mother so much for money and for acting like a victim for so much of my life (and my blog is evidence of that). If I could boil down all my problems to one root cause, it would be me neglecting my basic personal responsibilities to the extent that I have become too financially crippled and psychologically (and physiologically) fucked up to even support myself (and I have not done much to be of service to others). Then again, I might just be reacting to all the putdowns which have been force fed to my brain by anonymous parole officers (and from plenty of civilians who seem to enjoy taunting and harassing me (and I think that many people prefer that I forever remain the token sheltered, spoiled, vain, and vapid princess character who is always a “newbie” and always an “outsider” and always “lonely” and painfully self conscious (and I notice that people tend to support that be the case instead of supporting the idea of me transcending such a miserable role))). Would I do the same as they are if the roles were reversed? I would if I was forced to do so at the threat of being seriously harmed or tortured (but if I had my way, I would not spam my target with any more input than necessary (and I would avoid being abusive even though being abusive to people on parole seems to be normal)). I would probably be fired or, at the very least, ridiculed by my colleagues for being such a “pussy” instead of a “hard ass”; for being too much of a nurturer and not enough of an intimidator. Oh well. I have very little knowledge about what really goes on “behind the scenes” of what I experience. I often feel like I am walking around more ignorant than most other people are while doing my best to appear calm, civil, and productive even while feeling that I am being pranked at a large scale by other people and that other people know more about the prank than I do (and I imagine that more than 50% of the adults around me know about that prank while I am still not supposed to know that I am the sole target of that prank). Well, like many journal entries I have written, this is another example of gibberish with little facts to back up what I say. Though I try my best to be as informative as possible, I almost always feel that I am lacking vital information which would make me feel more authoritative about what I write about. I cannot help but assume other people prefer that I be deprived of the information and opportunities I need to be more of an expert and less of a designated “village idiot” for other people to ridicule and exploit.
Finally, I saw a Wired article show up in my Mozilla Pocket news feed which posits that the cure to being mentally burnt out by one job is taking on more than one job. That is essentially what I am doing in order to “move forward” with my life. My first job (which is not really a paid job) is working on my Internet based empire (especially by developing my personal websites). Working on my personal websites 24 hours per day and 7 days per week is more stressful than having other (productivity-oriented) activities scheduled into my routine so that (a) I do not get too bored of my personal website “business”, (b) so that I have an actual source of income which does not depend on my web development performance, and (c) so that I have more things to do, more places to go, and more people to interact with so that I am not so insulated from “the outside world”. When left to my own devices, I see how easy it might be for me to turn into a recluse who loses the ability to socialize productively and comfortably with other humans after spending “too much time” isolated and mulling over fringe topics which only a few weirdos and Internet addicts are interested in to the point of obsession. Then again, I cannot help but feel resentment towards “the people” for being mean to me and for trying to get in the way of me doing stuff which is more introverted, esoteric, and pensive than what “the people” condone. I feel coerced into being a sycophant who downplays how much I am interested in the stuff I prefer to do away from other people’s prying eyes and meddling ways.
* * *
If the people spamming me with nonstop “hate mail” auditory messages were honest and forthcoming about what they intend to do to me, I think they would say something like the following: “We think you deserve to suffer more; not less. We strive to make you feel deprived of peace, enjoyment, and wellness because we think you are a bad person who deserves to be punished for doing bad things (and we think that punishment is the only way to get you to stop doing bad things). Even if you already intend to be a law abiding citizen who does its best to be productive, conscientious, and helpful, we prefer that you be prevented from being such a goody two-shoes. You do not deserve to feel good nor to be supported by other people. Instead, you deserve to be tortured into having a chronically bad attitude with repetitive, sensationalist, animosity and fear driven thoughts as a result of us depriving you of sleep, employment, school, hobbies, friends, fitness, and comfort so that you are chronically sleep deprived, chronically underemployed, chronically forced to abstain from academics, chronically forced to do little more than writhe in agony while we spam you with psychological (and daresay even physical) torture using electronic weapons, chronically too stressed out and distracted by us to be able to engage in face-to-face conversations with other people, chronically too stressed out and demoralized by us to do anything more than the bare minimum in terms of physical exercise to get by as a result of our meddling, and chronically in so much pain which you are not allowed to talk about without being branded as crazy and/or attention seeking that people make fun of you for looking so unhappy while they pride themselves on having a better demeanor than you are physically able to have. You think you deserve more space to hear yourself think than what we think you should be allowed to have. You think you deserve be treated with more kindness than we think you deserve to have. We insist on forcing you to remain long term depressed so that other people get used to you looking chronically lazy, downtrodden, and isolationist so that other people stop thinking there is anything unusual or amiss about how you appear so that no one expects anything different from you. You will be trained to play dull and complacent for other people’s convenience. Other people will walk past you assuming that you are not particularly adventurous nor ambitious so that you do not stress them out. When the people think that you are burning with desperation to do something other than be bullied into submission and lethargy, they get irritated because they do not want you to stop being conveniently docile and dumbed down. They do not want to have to open more doors for you and make more space for you to enjoy a more fulfilling existence. Instead, they would rather you hibernate so that you are not competition for them to contend with.” (I have already published so much potentially disqualifying information about myself online that I think it is “too late” to redact anything I published and that I should accept that my job opportunities and lifestyle options are limited as a result of sharing “too much information” about myself while most others would never dare to share that much information about themselves online because most other people are afraid that doing so would ban them from having a comfortable standard of living. I imagine that such people would say something like, “Nothing lasts forever. Eventually, everything about a person will be forgotten, erased, deleted, and dissolved because it takes conscious effort to keep some memories and legacies in tact. We see you struggling in vain to establish a personal legacy which no one but you is interested in preserving. We think you are wasting your life and should, instead, make the meaning of your life about being of service to the people that live in your midst here and now instead of trying to immortalize your intellectual property on the Internet.” I would say to them, “If all things are temporary rather than permanent, then why do you think serving people in the here and now is more worthwhile than creating intellectual property which is meant to last at least as long as I live?” I imagine that they would answer, “You just don’t get it. You are too immature and closed off from other people to understand how much you are missing out on what the purpose of life is. If you were not so lost in your own thoughts, you would see that it is much easier and much less painful to live and think like how we do. We are so much less egotistical, uptight, and high maintenance than you are. We are better at handling adversity than you are because we have a much more robust and loving social support system than what you have. Unlike you, we put people first; not personal achievement. When you try to be successful, other people naturally want to deter you from achieving success out of jealousy and a desire to keep you relegated to the position of a therapy animal on a leash and/or in a cage so that they have something to cling onto when they crave comfort. When you let go of having to be successful and settle for being modest, humble, and law-abiding, you are spared so much animosity and strife. Life is too short to suffer so much. Eventually you will come to your senses and learn that you will not get a moment of relief until you become sufficiently modest, humble, and law-abiding.” I would say to them, “I have tried being as modest, humble, and law-abiding as I can stand and I still get bullied as much as I do otherwise.” I imagine they would respond by saying something like, “Well, you are not like the vast majority of us. We have clean criminal records. You are permanently relegated to a lower caste of society than we are. That means that there is nothing you can do to experience relief. You just have to suffer being tortured for the rest of your life. You might be tortured so that you keep committing petty crimes which prevent you from getting jobs so that you stay poor and miserable. You are not meant to have a better future. You are not meant to be happy. You are meant to feel like a prisoner being locked away for a life sentence so that you are deprived of what most other people are entitled to enjoy.”
* * *
The people who think they are among God’s favored people say, “God is not obligated to be fair according to your notions of what fairness is. God can will whatever He wants. It seems that God only wants some rather than all of His creations (like us) to go to Heaven while the other creations (like you) are cast away into Hell to suffer for indefinitely long periods of time. The unsaved may give birth to children who end up saved. Likewise, the saved may give birth to children who end up unsaved. That is why a parent needs to let go of needing to be with its children in the afterlife. Not every child is guaranteed to be saved because God needs some children to be unsaved to fulfill God’s diversity quotient and gerrymandering plans. You might not like God’s policies, but there is nothing you or I can do to change how God runs His show. You can kick and scream all you want because you have been denied salvation which would grant you entrance to Heaven. I can laugh all I want as I leave you behind to burn in Hell while I get to ascend with other chosen ones into Heaven’s blissful realms. I feel honored, privileged, CHOSEN, and loved. God loves you too, but His love for you is ‘tough love’ rather than ‘kind love’. God loves His creation so much that He made sure that His creation ends up separated in a way which God finds pleasing and which allows God to express His beautiful art. He carefully chose some of His creation to end up in Heaven while allowing the rest of creation to rot in Hell as an act of love (and there is no love greater than the love of God). God’s love is not about making small-minded people like you feel good. Instead, God’s love is about making Heaven as beautiful as possible and allowing goodness to have a sanctuary apart from badness so that goodness is not tainted by badness. As a creator, God refines His creation over time after inspecting which pieces He wants to send to Heaven and which pieces He wants to cast away into Hell. That’s because God has a more beautiful vision than what either one of us can even fathom with our puny human brains. You might think that getting cast away into Hell is ugly, but from God’s perspective, it is a loving and fair act because God is careful to make sure that Heaven is populated with inhabitants which best fit His vision for what Heaven is. Heaven is what is good and deserves to be preserved eternally. Hell is also good, but what it contains is incompatible with Heaven’s eligibility requirements. The dichotomy of Heaven and Hell is a genius way to allow for there to be all kinds of creation; not just good and not just bad. Otherwise, all creation would be lumped together in the same bucket (and that prevents diversity from flourishing because such a melting pot of a bucket would make people too homogeneous rather than beautifully diversified).”
* * *
The people who bully me most seem to be saying, “Unlike Karlina, we do not have time to be armchair philosophers. Instead, we have real lives. We have jobs and families to keep us busy and which give us plenty of real work to do (and that work is gratifying, life affirming, and makes us feel needed by real people). By the end of the day, we are tired because we have done real things other than sit in our underwear and talk to ourselves about hypothetical and existential matters. We do not condone that people follow in Karlina’s footsteps and shirk their civic duties in order to contemplate abstract matters or to bask in sensory inputs. That is too simple, myopic, and unfruitful of a life. Instead, what we condone is people being pushed into working as early as possible and starting a family of their own as soon as possible because that guarantees that those people will have no opportunity to be as self indulgent and solitary as Karlina is. Humans are social animals which are hardwired to crave companionship and constant reassurance from other humans (because that is the only way to protect humans from themselves and each other (and humans in isolation are supposed to fall into a crippling depression without our meddling otherwise such humans are too self indulged and need to be tortured into not feeling so high and mighty so that they have to beg for companionship and constant reassurance from other humans like the rest of us do)). There you go! Now you know that not having in-person human companions is not an option. Get over yourself!”
* * *
The following is a continuation of what “The God People” were saying two paragraphs above: “Some may ask what will become of children who are aborted before they have the chance to be born. Are such children sent to Heaven or else to Hell? The answer is Hell. That’s right. I know you were expecting me to say Heaven, but there is a serious problem if all you gotta do to save your progeny is murder them before they have the chance to rebel against God’s rules. In order to prevent people from murdering children, God sends the souls of aborted fetuses to Hell and, also, those who condone abortion to Hell (but not in a way which allows the parents to be peacefully reunited with their children). So if you get an abortion, you and the baby you murdered are both going to Hell because both of you failed to meet God’s conditions for going to Heaven. In order to go to Heaven, you not only need to do your best to obey God’s rules at all times, you also need to make the conscious and educated choice again and again for your entire life to submit to God’s authority and to allow His Representative to enter you from behind and control you like a puppet. That’s right. You need to accept the cock of Jesus and forever ride it. It’s not rape because you have the option to get off the cock or else to never get on that cock, but if you fail to willfully get on the cock of Jesus and ride it to your grave, you will never see the light of Heaven. Instead, you will be sorry you ever rejected the divine gift of salvation as you descend into the torture chamber which is Hell. And, speaking of rape, a woman who is raped, becomes pregnant as a result of that rape, and dutifully gives birth to that child of rape has a chance of going to Heaven so long as she is in good standing with God. Also, her child has a chance of going to heaven because he will be allowed to actually grow up and become a self-responsible adult who can either accept or else reject the gift of salvation from Jesus Christ, the one and only representative of God who was created in order to give human beings some degree of volition over where they end up in the after life. Otherwise, there would not be enough mystery for God to behold (though God may know exactly how the future will unfold but God has the power to change how deterministic laws of physics work and to, hence, interrupt fate so that things not even God initially expected ends up happening. That is so that God does not get bored of everything He creates being so damned predictable).”
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