KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_261
At present, I am still waiting on the Smart & Final store in Dublin to follow up with my job application. (I was told via text message that my tentative start date for Load Crew is 19_OCTOBER_2022). My background test and drug test have already been completed for that position. Meanwhile, I got emails from Amazon saying that my job application was terminated due to me having “pending” criminal charges on my record for petty theft from the year 2021. Also, I my “pre qualified” CapitalOne credit card was declined due to me inputting too low of an income. To pay my BART fare evasion citation of $321 before the due date on 28_NOVEMBER_2022, I will just try to save as much money as I can which I get as “allowance” from my mother (without sacrificing too much of what I normally buy in order to do so). My mother has said that she can barely afford to send me money at the rate she has (which is $40 per non-Friday day and $100 on Friday). She urged me to apply for disability payments (and I do have a Social Security Income appointment by phone scheduled on Friday 02_DECEMBER_2022 at 10:30AM (I am assuming Pacific Standard Time) as a “last resort” option to financially support myself). If I do claim to have a disability, I will say I have “high functioning autism” instead of “bipolar disorder” or some other kind of histrionic-sounding personality disorder (and I do not think high functioning autism is a disability; it is just a brain difference which makes me have different priorities and propensities than “neurotypical” people have. For example, socializing tends to give me “sensory overload” while socializing tends to not overwhelm the nervous systems of “neurotypicals” yet my brain is especially suited for analytical tasks involving special geeky interests which gives me an advantage over “neurotypicals” (though what I just said could be me parroting bogus (and I think the psychiatric industry peddles pseudoscience and that brains are too unique and diverse to be pigeonholed into psychiatric conditions)). I will never forget that each of the times I was incarcerated at mental hospitals, it was against my will and for either running away from home or else vandalizing property at home or for committing domestic violence and when I was incarcerated at mental hospitals, the staff and my parents (mother especially) demanded that my release from the hospital be delayed and that I be forced to ingest psychiatric medications against my will. In short, I do not think I ever had a serious mental illness. What I think I had instead was stress from many personal hardships happening in a relatively short period of time and having to deal with people who have been hostile to my independence for decades (and all that stress caused me to go into “fight or flight mode” in an unusually pronounced way because I felt that I was being groomed to have no life outside the home, no friends, no career, no privacy, insufficient free time, and insufficient space to breathe clean air and to escape noise and chemical pollution while other people sadistically took pleasure in my claustrophobia and went out of their way to make me feel maligned and ostracized for not putting family first).
A lot has changed about me and my life since 2015. Fall of 2015 is when my six-year intimate relationship with SED ended, when my three-year programming internship at Lawrence Berkeley Lab ended, when I started a new relationship with my former coworker AJP and it was a rather cold and conflict-ridden affair where I seemed to want to make it work more than the AJP did, and where I first started doing marijuana heavily and regularly. I dropped out of school in early 2016 because I anticipated that I was being forced to have no free time once I graduated (and I dropped out with less than two semesters left to go around the time I was supposed to be taking final exams for my classes but was, instead, driving on long solitary car trips to the Sierras and to Oregon and staying in motels so that I could work on my “Life Purpose” project (which amounted to me sowing the seeds of my own personal religion (and those seeds have blossomed into the personal websites I currently have and the psychonautic, tehnophilic, and anarchist lifestyle I have embodied increasingly more of over the past two years especially)). What is different about the person I am now verses the person I was before my old lifestyle rapidly fell apart and turned into something else is the fact that the new me is a lot less willing to socialize just to appease other people. I used to have more “friends” but I had so little personal space to do my own introverted thing that I practically had to plot a multi-year runaway plan so that I could ditch my “friends” and come out of the closet as a proud schizoid (i.e. someone who does not garner much pleasure from socializing and someone who seems to lack the need for affection, attention, admiration, and approval from other people more than most “neurotypicals” seem to).
This web page was last updated on 19_OCTOBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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