Not to be graphic, but there is at least one person in my life who I am currently economically dependent on yet trying to gain economic independence from who seems to have a fetish for me being crippled, tortured, held hostage under that person’s supervision and “care”, and tortured while that person beams with pleasure knowing that is the case. That person seems to be waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown and seems to be enlisting the help of other people to help expedite that person’s fetishist wish. That person seems to be waiting for me to lose my composure, to feel devastated, to want to commit suicide yet not be able to, to want to run away but not be able to, to want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy and live for but no longer be able to, and to be deprived of friends and a job and traveling and living on my own. I think that person has people willing to do that person’s bidding and those who support fulfilling that person’s sadistic desire resent me, are envious of me, and also have a hankering to see me destroyed. I just thought I would get that out of my nervous system and onto the World Wide Web so that these dark thoughts do not die inside me without ever having been revealed to the world outside my brain (and the brains of those who hack and manipulate my brain using mind-reading and mind-control technologies). Perhaps the greatest motivation for me to practice (my own versions of) Stoicism, Buddhism, and general “self control” is to prepare for a “worst case scenario” like what I described; to equip me with the fortitude and rationale needed to remain dignified and willing to keep on living irregardless of how much I enjoy my life and get to do what I want to.
I have decided that the police are not done punishing me for not having 100% cut AJP out of my life. I will proceed to unfollow his Twitter. I will not go so far as to block his social media accounts nor his phone number nor his email. I will simply not respond to his phone calls, text messages, emails, social media messages, comments on social media posts, and I will not follow him back if he follows me on a social media account. I hope that is enough to convince the police that I am ready to move on to being “in a relationship” with AJP. I do not think the police will be convinced that I am moved on until at least three years pass in which I do not contact him nor reply to his attempts to contact me and I avoid being in places where I expect him to be. (As I write this, I hear civilians sadistically laughing and the police are spamming me with taunting “pro AJP, anti karbytes” messages). I get the sense that most people are “pro AJP, anti karbytes” and that is why I almost always get condescended to, ganged up on, and treated as everyone’s subordinate, misfit, and token villain. (I go to Whole Foods Market in Dublin for more than just good food. I go there because the employees there are among the few people who have treated me with kindness during the past few years).
I am going to walk far enough away from the urbanized areas into a dark patch to be away from where I expect bullies to be. Then again, they have a way of following me out into the wilderness. One of the most depressing facts about my life is how seemingly impossible it is for me to escape being within hearing range of people who want to wear me down, demoralize me, and sabotage my goals. I do not consider myself to be in good standing with the general public. People generally treat me like I deserve to be treated like I am too mentally ill, incarcerated, and (artificially) disabled to talk to honestly and to take seriously as a website developer and social media mogul. People treat me like I deserve to be forced to only focus on self care and almost nothing else for years on end so that those people can accuse me of being too shallow, self centered, and sheltered to be taken seriously as a professional in my chosen domain of interest and expertise. In short, I think that people generally prefer that I be forced to be reduced to an infantilized adult as punishment for “having it too good for too long while doing too little to contribute to society” and for committing whatever unforgiven offenses I have.
It is hard for me to want to be friends with people when people generally treat me like I deserve to be tortured and deprived of what makes me happy.
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I just logged into Twitter, upvoted and replied to some interesting tweets from non AJP followers, and unfollowed AJP. I feel better now. Please do not take what I said about people hating on me too seriously. That is me just erring on the side of being paranoid as a defense mechanism. Pretending most people hate me makes me feel more motivated to be self reliant and less dependent on other people.
By the way, I removed the social media posts I made on Twitter, Minds, and Instagram in which I talked about masturbation and path of least resistance because I thought those posts were insufficiently relevant to my content goals. In other words, the posts I removed were what I considered to be insufficiently high quality (i.e. badly worded, factually inaccurate, and not sufficiently relevant to my target audience and not fitting within my target content scope).
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