Note that striked out text is something I felt compelled to write (for the sake of getting some pesky recurrent thought out of my system hopefully for the last time) even though it is not something I think is an accurate depiction of how I really think.
It seems like almost every time I attempt to sit down to meditate or to use my laptop in Castro Valley, other people nonverbally protest. That could be because people are annoyed at me for taking up so much space in public and prefer that I stop existing in their reality. This is stemming from a rather simplistic thought I had earlier: it seems that female humans are implicitly required to have male partners or else convincingly present themselves as male humans in order to exist. That thought did not quite seem accurate. It seemed like a cover up for something else. I thought about it more and decided it could have to do with there being a “rule” that a human adult will be treated like a child who needs to be supervised and daresay even mind-controlled unless that human adult convinces the authorities and the locals that the human adult is complaint, sane, and not a burden to society.
As I was walking to my dad’s house from the Castro Valley BART station earlier, I thought I heard people walking next to me make snide remarks about how all I do is talk about myself. That felt like getting kicked in the face while coming up for air after being submerged underwater. I thought that I wrote in journal entry #221 (of 2022) was a fairly candid depiction of my first person experience with respect to how I feel treated by law enforcement and by civilians. I am surprised that people have been so unkind to me and so dismissing of what I have to say in this website. The lack of quality feedback makes me wonder whether or not my website is being censored from the Internet and/or if people are being fed an incomplete and/or false depiction of me.
(Note that I think it is very likely that law enforcement has been tampering with my auditory processing ability so that I misinterpret sounds coming into my ears as saying things which law enforcement wants me to hear in order to make me feel ostracized).
It seems like my life is on hold in order for some climax in some reality television show I am not even told I am participating in to happen (and that climax has to do with some “boyfriend” character needing to be more prominent in my life and for me to be more available to play supporting and/or adversarial role to him).
To be explicit, I see the society I have been living in as very intolerant of me just doing my own thing. I wonder if no one is really “allowed to” be as solitary as I am and that I am being discouraged from making that seem otherwise. It seems that what the people implicitly are asking me to do is to censor myself so that I only say (and think) what they can handle and to stay indoors when I am not doing errands or attending scheduled activities which people other than me dictate. I can feel people impatiently glaring at me and (almost literally) breathing down my neck and (perhaps literally) jumping down my throat in order to coerce me into rushing to a place where I am confined and relatively sedentary with other people nearby to make sure I do not get into anything “too intense”.
Beware that some of what I write may be hyperbolic or fictional. I wrote this journal because I think I have been fighting vigorously nonstop for days just to hear myself think while other people try to force my mind to spin a narrative which suits them but which does not necessarily suit me (and that narrative seems to be, “Karlina needs a boyfriend and/or Karlina needs to act needy for a boyfriend and/or Karlina needs to having a difficult time moving on from having a boyfriend”). In reality, I just want to be single (and to be able to pursue my (mostly solitary) interests). I think that me just wanting to be single, relatively asocial, introverted, and immersed in things other than human affairs upsets enough people with enough importance to be respected more than I am (and writing helps me make sense of my thoughts and to notice patterns and to glean insights from the thoughts I revisit).
(As I write this note, many cars have been driving past the park and residents have been barking condescending and dismissing words which amount to denigrating me for wanting to be single and childfree instead of in a relationship and with children. It seems that the people around here have nothing better to do than swarm around me to keep tensions high and to intervene when they feel the urge to).
It seems that I am “not allowed” to hang out in Castro Valley and that I am being tortured into going back to Dublin so that I am not within walking distance of the car at my mother’s house (because, as long as I am within walking distance of that car, I am considered to be “too close” to being able to arrive at AJP’s doorstep (even though I do not have his current address nor plan on ever asking for it)).
It seems like I am “supposed to” block AJP’s phone number, not respond to any of his electronics communications, unfollow and block his social media accounts so that we have no public ties, stay more than 100 meters away from him at all times, and act all depressed over breaking up with AJP in order to get the electronic harassment and bullying against me to stop.
AJP does not seem to want to be the first to speak up about what needs to be done. Perhaps AJP is waiting for me to get the hint that he does not want to deal with me anymore and will punish me anytime I reach out to him because doing so means that I think we have unfinished business. Well, perhaps the path of least resistance is to simply stop calling his phone, to stop sending him text messages, to stop interacting with him through social media, and perhaps even to unfollow his social media accounts. I would do all that I listed quite willingly except for unfollowing his social media accounts because I want to remain “e-friends” with him. (An “e-friend” is someone I do not intend to interact with “in person” but someone whose social media posts I follow and usually someone I would be open to meeting casually “in person” if doing so is sufficiently convenient for both of us. I suppose AJP would be an “e-friend” who I would never again interact with “in person” in order to avoid getting punished by law enforcement or by associates of AJP or AJP himself).
In one of the past journal entries I made, I shared AJP’s phone number and, in several other journal entries, I shared his full name and social media profile picture. Some people may consider that to be doxing or otherwise doing something unethical if not illegal. It seems that, when I engage in “misconduct” as a writer, no one tells me that I committed such an offense before censoring me or deploying some other form of punishment. Rather than explain to me why I am being treated the way I am, people seem to be impatient and angry with me while being reluctant to explain why and while expecting me to fall in line with what they want. I will share my phone number too: (510) 631-9783. I will share my full name too: Karlina Ray Beringer. I will share my birth date also: 13_JANUARY_1990. Yes I am a United States citizen. On and on I could go. The point is that no one has seemed to complain about anything I have published on this website (and everything I have published on this website is intended by me to be visible to the general public). Now that I am sufficiently focused on this issue, I would call AJP to ask him what he thinks about all this. I would ask if he could take a look at this website and give me serious feedback, but he rarely answers his phone and he seems very reluctant to do anything I ask him to do. Rather than “pull teeth” trying to get him to help me get closure on this issue and a sense of peace about this issue, for the sake of saving time and avoiding having to be waiting on other people any more than necessary, I will just stop calling AJP, stop texting AJP, stop emailing AJP, and stop interacting with AJP via social media. As long as we follow each other on Twitter (which is currently the case), it will look to the public (and hopefully to each other) like we are former colleagues or people with some overlapping interests. I am afraid that unfollowing AJP on social media accounts AJP is following me on is giving into what at least one of my possessive stalkers wants: to make me look cut off from having AJP as a friend.
I checked my Instagram followers to see whether or not AJP was one of them (because I was a follower of his account). I saw that he was not following me back, so I unfollowed his account. Then I saw that his account is private (which I do not ever remember seeing his account being before). Now the only public connection I have with AJP is the fact that we (at the time of this writing) follow each other on Twitter. I intend for this journal entry to be the last web page I make which references AJP. For now on, I will do my best to “ghost” AJP (i.e. neither reach out to him nor reply to his communications).
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