After Sleeping (i.e. Next Day) Edit: I would like to pretend that someone hacked my brain and caused me to temporarily think and behave like someone I am not (and that stranger used my brain, eyes, and arms to write the drivel which follows this paragraph). Please do not take anything I have published on this website (or anywhere on the Internet) too seriously. Last month, I wrote an “escape clause” about how I permit myself and others to not have to conform to any particular set of expectations nor rules of conduct. In other words, I am an anarchist. I condone each person being able to do whatever it wants to (within the limitations it can). Any person, X, is relatively free to (attempt to) counter the actions of any other other person, Y, and vice versa. Likewise, if there is only one coveted item remaining on the shelf of a store and X arrives at the store before Y does and X ends up buying that item before Y does, capitalism generally lets the first person to arrive at a store to get the last item (unless Y has a way to call store employees to hide that item so that X does not get it and then, when Y arrives, the store employees who are allies of Y will give Y that item which capitalism would normally have allowed X to get instead of Y). If X finds out that Y was able to use favoritism with the store employees to get special access to the item X was “supposed to” get as a “virtue” of arriving at the store before Y does, X might feel scammed and that the store is being unfair (but the store has the right to enforce its own policies until someone complains and is able to get government authorities to tell the store how to run its own business).

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If I could press a button which would quickly (but not necessarily painlessly) end my father’s life (and nothing bad would happen to me as a result of pressing that button) I almost certainly would.

My father has been one of my biggest bullies in my life. He has done many things over the past few years which suggest that wants me to feel deprived of privacy, space and time to pursue my hobbies and a dream career, and happiness in general. I am traumatized from the time he confiscated my backpack with my laptop and survival gear in it as punishment for not waiting for him to pick me up from the jail one of the times I was arrested for a non violent crime. (Rather than wait for him to pick me up in his car, I walked to the Dublin/Pleasanton BART station from Santa Rita County Jail (which is less than one mile and all on flat, well lit, and clean grounds), rode the BART train to Castro Valley BART station, and walked to my legal address (i.e. my father’s house) in Castro Valley). There are many more examples of what looks like passive-aggressive and gaslighting tactics which my father has deployed against me in an effort to derail my sanity and goals, but I would rather not mention them. What I see my father doing is spending most of his life stalking me and pretending not to be interested in my life in an effort to make sure I stay deprived of an enjoyable life. He has little in the way of hobbies and seems to want me to be deprived of a life outside the home so that I can rot in a dead-end role in a place where I feel deprived of the kinds of friendship and lifestyle options I really prefer.

I would (probably) not press that button to kill my mother because, from what I can tell, she is not as deliberately cruel and conniving as is my father and only she has been able and/or willing to give me money. (I am at least ten times more likely to press the button to annihilate my father than I would be to annihilate my mother and I am significantly more distressed by my mother’s suffering than I am by my father’s suffering; many orders of magnitude more). I would be relieved if I found out my dad died tonight. If both my parents died tonight, I would feel more relieved than distressed because I know I have what I need to survive and not having zero chance of ever having to deal with my parents again would mean that I no longer have to deal with their dysfunctional and sadistic behavior. (I think my parents both have sadistic tendencies and are addicted to me being in an almost constant state of extreme and “private” suffering while they seem to gloat about it and egg it on).

To be clear, I live in much more dread of my father than I do of my mother because I have seen my father become a well-practiced “deep fake” and fanatic about deriving sadistic pleasure from seeing me in pain every chance he gets like it is his sole mission in life (and people seem to treat him like he is infallibly innocent and deny that he has ever done anything deliberately harmful while I am treated as an irredeemable criminal deserving of cruel treatment). That is a major reason why I am voluntarily homeless and spend as little time in my hometown as possible.

(If I press the button to kill my mother in that hypothetical situation, I would if I thought she was trying to sabotage my highest priorities and she was using her social status and wealth to hire people to sabotage me on her behalf…people like my father).

People are welcome to disapprove of what I wrote in this journal entry (or in any part of the World Wide Web). People can accuse me of libel, slander, doxing, hate crimes, lying, stealing, vandalism, and even physical violence. There is a probability greater than zero that I will intentionally try to kill a human other than myself (but I prefer that probability remain less than one percent).

Ideally, I would only commit physical violence against another human being in self defense and in order to prevent myself from getting seriously harmed by the person I think is trying to seriously harm me. I would like to promise that I will never premeditate plotting the death or injury of another human being such as by poisoning it’s coffee with cyanide, et cetera.

If readers would like to “private message” me, they may do so by messaging me through my social media accounts or by emailing me. (See the home page of this website for links to my social media accounts and email addresses (which are listed in the AUTHOR_NETWORKING section of the home page)). I would greatly appreciate honest feedback.

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Later additional commentary: I do not love my parents, but I am glad that they gave birth to me. I appreciate the things they did which were beneficial to me and to society at large, but I do not think they deserve a special reward for excellence in humanitarianism or in parenting. I think I would have higher self esteem if I was born from a “test tube” using computer selected genes, lab grown stem cells, and artificial womb to incubate me (before placing me in a “state of the art” boarding school for other “test tube babies” as I describe in my defunct science-fiction web page named TECHNOCRATIC_UTOPIA).

Also, I consider myself to be a misanthropist who is just now coming to terms with how much I sincerely dislike humans in general. I think that most humans would harm me to save themselves in an instant. I would do the same if the roles were reversed. It gives me some pleasure and relief imagining other people getting mauled to death by pit bulls and thrown around like a rag doll (especially wimpy bratty pregnant whores and chauvinist violence-addicted monkey men) against hard surfaces to death while those humans scream and cry in terror and agony. If I had immunity from being harmed or otherwise stripped of my freedoms and the capacity to instantaneously annihilate any human I wanted to, I would liberally use that “gift” to get rid of any human I decided based on limited “first impression” evidence was an impediment to my futuristic and personal endeavors. People might start to avoid me and would try harder to not be the targets of my contempt. I would start mass killing those who drove petroleum cars at random to force humanity to quickly end their petroleum dependence (within a month rather than within several years). If I could extend that power to as fully as I wanted to, I would purge all the humans who are not part of my futuristic efforts so that only a few hundred people would remain on Planet Earth. Those few remaining would be amongst the smartest, least violent, and most philanthropic while all the other vermin would be gotten rid of (because those people are more of a burden than an asset in my eyes).

Remember: I do not want to enjoy the suffering of other humans, but there seems to be a part of my brain (which I think feels like a kludgy and vestigial adaptation) which seems to crave retribution and sadistic forms of entertainment I cannot deny exists. I would rather exterminate my enemies quickly and painlessly solely in order to minimize needless suffering in the world; not to reinforce my relatively dormant sadistic propensities (which I think almost all humans intrinsically have (unless those humans are genetically engineered to be intellectually and morally superior to the majority of humans which exist today)).

Lastly, I almost never start a fight with other humans. More than 99% of the time, other humans have started a fight with me (and they almost always kept pestering me even as I tried to avoid them). Many times in the past other people have gone out of their way to harass me repeatedly even when I tried to get away from them. Those people were clearly looking for a fight and would not stop harassing me until I retaliated (just so that they could have an excuse to violently assault me (and their retaliations against me were much worse than what I did to them)). That is why I hate men more than women (but I still hate women for the fact that they seem to have little going for them other than being slaves to the men that whipped them into being relatively crippled, retarded, and deprived of autonomy and originality). I hate the fact that women look like the products of violence-enforced sexual selection via rape. That is why I think femininity is not at all a virtue. To me, femininity is nothing more than advertising one’s vulnerability to violence and specialization to domestic servitude, sexual slavery, and biological reproduction.

This web page was last updated on 09_OCTOBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.