KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_187
For approximately $10 a piece, I purchased a pair of in-ear headphones and, even better, a pair of over-ear headphones from the Target store near West Dublin/Pleasanton.
(As soon as I sat down to write this, some boys on bikes parked right next to me. Hence, I “had to” move to a different location).
(While walking from that other location to the location I am currently sitting at (which smells like urine), I noticed more than four parked cars in the parking lot I was walking alongside of with their headlights on and not moving).
After I bought the two sets of headphones from Target, I went to the nearby Safeway to buy a water bottle to replace the one I somehow lost today and to purchase a cheap sports drink and a large container of Mentos gum pieces (which are not individually wrapped) to keep stowed away in my backpack for when I crave something to chew on to help mitigate my almost unbearable stress as a result of having so little opportunity to be in places where I do not feel other human beings staring at me and making noises which I find irritating within close physical proximity to me. Some people ridicule me for having an oral fixation and always needing to put something in my mouth to cope with my stress. Rather than abstain from chewing gum to help mitigate my stress (and to even get some pleasure out of the experience of chewing on gum), I decided I will keep gum “in stock” and, more importantly, headphones “in stock” inside of my backpack so that my commutes and sit down sessions are as comfortable for me as possible. People ridicule me and call me a teething baby who is not mature enough to emulate other people who do not seem to need such things, but I am really not interested in socializing with such people. Hence, I have no reason to deprive myself of such things.
“All you care about is yourself” and “You only have yourself to worry about” and “You need to make your father the center of attention” and “You always need something to suck on” and “You’re only allowed to look like a castrated dog” and “You are not ready to leave the mental hospital because all you do is talk to yourself” are some of the things I heard spoken into my head today via microwave auditory effect. It may be the case that I am being denied employment because I do not appear to be as “well adjusted” socially as I “should be” and because I have a criminal record and an outspoken online presence. Perhaps in a few months if I am unable to get a job, I will apply for Social Security Income using some kind of disability status such as autism to get that SSI.
(…)
I went to the Social Security Income website and submitted an application to request an appointment for benefits. I did this in order to expedite the process and to not waste any more time than necessary applying for jobs only to get let down by ultimately not being offered a position. Also, deep down, I feel that every person should be entitled to a universal basic income. Getting my own SSI benefits is perhaps the closest I will ever be to living on a universal basic income rather than settling for being another duped wage slave who is conned into wasting too much of its time doing work which a robot could do orders of magnitude more efficiently, cheaply, and reliably than any human could. If I am able to get SSI benefits, then I would feel a lot more comfortable living my life because that would help me get financial independence from my parents and make it easier for me to focus on studying (which would likely lead to me eventually getting a decent-paying job which does not feel like menial labor).
I read elsewhere online that, although I am allowed to work while receiving SSI, the amount of money I earn from working subtracted from the amount of SSI I would be getting if I did not earn any money from working. For that reason, I have decided that I will not follow through on the appointment I requested and just keep job searching for a few more months before I re-submit that SSI appointment application.
(While writing this note, the microwave auditory effect voices are being very irritating and emulating the sound of a sexed up little girl who keeps repeating the same disgusting insults over and over again. Her voice is soft yet difficult to ignore. Multiple tracks of her voice play at once and always overlap. At least one of those tracks is rhythmic, slow, impatient, and pulsing. At least one of those tracks is a variety of catty insults expressed in what sounds like an underhanded, nonchalant, and smug manner. The voice and verbiage overall is snarky, derogatory, petulant, threatening, bullying, crass, ad hominem, vague, nonconstructive, and anti-intellectual. To be honest, the government has been more harmful to me than helpful to me especially when I am going through an especially hard time. I think the government is trying to deprive me of economic mobility so that I am forced to live on a low income for the rest of my life while missing out on opportunities to travel, pursue an education at an accredited institution, and secure a job which I would actually enjoy and feel is worth my time. I think the people spamming me with auditory harassment prefer that I stay in jail or in a mental hospital or in destitute and unhappy circumstances because those people do not approve of my goals and personal expression. In other words, I think the “thought police” are trying to punish and torture me because they do not like me. They are not really helping me even though they will probably flippantly say they are. I think they just want to isolate and abuse me because they are sadists allowed to get away with what I think is treating me in an inhumane manner. Just for thinking “politically incorrect” thoughts, the “thought police” seem to feel justified to treat me in what I think is an abusive manner).
I am afraid that, if I do not work, I will have significantly less financial mobility than I would if I did work. For that reason, I am reluctant to apply for SSI benefits until I am sure that I am being denied employment.
Lastly, the thought which originally inspired me to write this note was the thought that self control (i.e. free will) is a finite and easy to exhaust resource (and the circumstances I am forced to contend with force me to be depleted of those resources very quickly). Apparently, I am “not allowed” to have sufficient self control to achieve my goals so that I am forced to remain poor, angry, and deprived of the ability to cultivate healthy coping skills and inner resources. Apparently, my having as much self control and poise as I want to have is seen by other people as a threat; something which I do not deserve to have the pleasure of demonstrating and benefiting from. Hence, I am being deliberately worn down by other people’s harassment and sabotaging tactics so that, sooner or later, I will inevitably end up incarcerated in jail or in a hospital if I do not back down and relinquish having personal standards. To be specific, I think other people are trying to discourage me from exercising, studying, and even managing my money well so that I feel deprived of my own self discipline, fitness, intelligence, creativity, humor, hope, courage, and means to support myself economically. It seems that, if the people had their way with me, I would be forced to spend most of my time living on the streets barely getting by as I scrounge for food and whatever tepid comforts and pleasures I can get while mostly suffering excruciating untold misery while I do (and onlookers would sneer at me and dismiss me as a brain-damaged, mentally-unstable, drug-addicted, incurable criminal who hardly deserves anything more than the occasional free loaf of bread once in a while as the highlight of my year). I heard “the voices” say, “That’s what you get for only focusing on yourself.” Apparently, there are people with the legal authority to harm me who seriously think I deserve nothing but a hellish future to look forward to. I would not be surprised if such people want me to commit suicide or to get killed against my will. I think they would rejoice if I become severely crippled because then that would mean that I would stay out of the public eye rotting indoors where I am hardly allowed to have contact with the outside world nor things to feel proud of. It would be like having to settle for being reduced to a mere brain in a vat locked away in a basement to be tortured in secrecy for other people’s cruel amusement.
I was about to go on and say, “Hardly anyone gives me any words of kindness,” and such, but I stopped because I feel like too much of a jackass for that kind of bitchy sniveling. I almost forgot that I might as well have been drafted into the military whether I know it or not. If that is the case, I need to rise to the challenge of tolerating an extremely high level of depression-mongering and anger-mongering propaganda force fed to my brain. I must admit: I am grateful that what I am going through is not worse. In fact, I think a deeper part of me is not bothered at all. The part of me which is not that bothered is not that egotistical. The part of me which is not very egotistical is able to appreciate the whole gamut of human experience and has a penchant for gory forms of entertainment. That might make me sound inhumane and psychopathic, but I consider that to be perhaps my greatest strength: the ability for my relatively egoless (and hence borderless) self to not feel guilty about anything because of my unshakable sense of amorality and unflinching fascination with reality irregardless of how my more fragile and egotistical self feels about it.
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