KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_183
Yesterday, I was panicking because I thought I lost my bag of weed with my carved wood pipe and newly purchased butane lighter in it while riding the BART train from Dublin to Castro Valley (and leaving “my” car parked on the fourth floor of the Dublin BART station with the intent of keeping the car stationary for a few days to save gasoline and to use the car as a phone interview booth). As I was walking (and running) away from the Castro Valley BART station and towards my mom’s house, I called my mom on the phone to ask her if she had any backup pipes or lighters. She did. My dad happened to be at her house at the time I was calling. I asked if my dad could drive me back to the Dublin BART to where “my” car was parked so that I could bring it back to my mom’s house after hearing my mom talk in a way which suggested that she, like seemingly most other people around me, strongly prefer that I drive instead of walk even though I was making an effort to limit my job search to locations which are within a reasonable walking distance of a BART station and jobs which have “normal” hours instead of jobs which have me working for longer than eight hours at a time and/or overnight. I think that the police may have temporarily suspended my Instagram account (@karbytes_anew) because, when I checked to see if I could login again this morning, I was able to (and I think the police wanted to punish me for acting so panicked over something trivial and so inconsistent with my lifestyle goals (and based on where I have been hearing them say via microwave auditory effect, they do not approve of me going car-free and living outside even though doing so is not technically a crime in California)).
I added the Instagram link back to the home page of each of my three personal websites and I removed the lame picture quote from my Instagram about swimming through murky waters and time being the only thing moving forward in some circumstances. (I also added some “new” images to my Instagram). I spent $20 on my AT&T mobile phone service and am saving the other less than $20 to buy some new headphones after misplacing my headphones yesterday. Today I am not buying any food because I do not have enough money to make the grocery trip worthwhile. I am just not eating as much food today and/or I am taking food out of my mom’s house on my way to Pleasanton Target (and I am walking and taking BART there instead of driving (and I am trying not to drive until I get my own electric car)). Of course, I give myself permission to shoplift small, inexpensive items which I would otherwise be able to easily afford if I had even a part-time job to compensate for the fact that I barely get enough money to survive.
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I called my mom on the phone asking her if she could give me the $100 she usually gives me on Friday one day in advance to make up for the fact that I have to spend almost all of today’s $40 on replacing my missing headphones and on paying my phone bill. She complained that I spend too much money too quickly and said that she would transfer the $100 today but I would not get any money from her tomorrow. I tried to ask for a little extra to buy new interview clothes, but she dismissed what I had to say. (I noticed that my mother does not seem interested in me getting a job and seems to prefer that I just stay unemployed because whenever I talk about job searching or doing anything other than being an invalid, she acts as though I said nothing. I do not enjoy having to talk to my mom so much and having my life so enmeshed in hers. If I had the means to, I would limit contact with my parents to occasional visits and occasional phone calls only; no more than once per month).
Even though I seem to be getting treated like a runaway deadbeat merely for choosing to walk instead of drive, I feel obligated to uphold my personal ethics about bodily autonomy, environmental sustainability, and avoiding the expenses, risks, and inconveniences which come with having to rely on a car to get around heavily (or even at all). As long as I don’t drive that car, I don’t have to worry about that car getting towed, broken into, getting into a collision, or being an economic tie I have yet to sever from my mother as I scheme and labor day by day to free myself from being economically dependent on my mother. Now that the car is back in her possession, the car is no longer something I have to watch over and take with me wherever I go like it is some kind of small child I have to guard with my life and make the backbone of my economic exchanges and daily activities. (Yesterday my mom said she wants me to have the car as a replacement for me walking and taking BART and as a place to sleep because she does not like that I sleep outside. A tent works well for most of my housing needs and it took me a long time to save up enough money to buy the outdoor gear I currently have to be comfortable. I know that many people would love to have that car as a place to sleep and as a means to get around, but I am not one of those people. I also see that my mom is not supportive of me bicycling even though it is a very cost effective and environmentally sustainable way to get around. I think she just does not want me to have so much bodily autonomy and ability to get around without her providing the sole means for my commute such that my life is largely dictated by her rather backwards preferences and worldview. I care about fitness, education, careers, and ecology. My mother does not. My mother does not seem to value much other than holding onto the past with a vice grip).
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It has been hard for me to write about my long, painful journey to individuate from my family or origin because it is a very stressful subject for me and I seem to be making very little progress in doing so. I really would rather not have to mention my family of origin in my blog because I would rather my blog be focused on my career and hobbies exclusively. I hope and expect that I will stop talking about my family or origin and former romantic partners in my blog and make next year’s journal entries exclusively focused on my personal interests; not on interpersonal relationships I wish to leave behind or, at the very least, reduce to “very low contact” relationships.
Being alone and relying myself as much as possible is what makes it possible for me to have original thoughts and being in touch with my authentic feelings. Socializing and having to be codependent on other people obstructs my ability to think independently and to be as honest and confident as I otherwise could be (because the people I would be codependent on dictate how I feel, what I think, where I go, how I go there, when I sleep, where I sleep, what I eat, who I talk to, and what I get to maintain and prune from my memories and routines). To me, it is a worthwhile trade: forsaking the tepid comfort of being part of a close-knit, gridlocked community in exchange for being a standalone enterprise comprised exclusively of one person.
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When I logged into my personal PayPal to transfer the $100 to my Patelco bank account, I saw that my mother transferred $200 instead of $100. That is generous of her. It looks like she almost always gives me money when I ask for it nicely and explain the reason. I will go ahead and buy two sets of headphones in case I lose the other pair or that pair breaks (and those things tend to only last for three months at most).
I do not mean to disparage people in this blog (especially those who financially support me), but I do have an obligation to do my job which is document what I think is relevant in my personal life to document (however inane it might appear to be to me at a later date).
This web page was last updated on 29_SEPTEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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