KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_178
While sitting beneath the evening sky in a “random” location I have not spent much time in since many years ago, I attempted to practice mindfulness meditation by imagining that my ego boundaries were dissolving and becoming one with my perceived surroundings. I got a mild yet palpable sense of all my senses and thoughts blending together and a sense of distance from my mind as though I were a third-party alien observer watching my mind “secrete” thoughts “against” its environment and what it perceived to be other human egos pressing up against it and making it “secrete” thoughts in “unnatural” ways.
After I thought about that I came up with the tweet about navigating through murky waters and always finding at least one way to move into the new through those murky waters. (See the images below).
Now I am sitting beneath a cloudless, moonless starry sky at Horsey Hill. I hear the “thought police” barraging me with auditory stimuli I find abrasive and detrimental to my goals (i.e. limiting of my range of thoughts, wasteful of my attention span, and reinforcing of habits which are counter to the kinds of habits I would rather cultivate). Although I could say that the “thought police” have helped me become smarter, more resilient, and better adapted to living in society than I would have become without such interventionism, I still cannot help but conclude that such interference is more detrimental to my goals than helpful (and that coincides with my belief that the “thought police” are deliberately trying to punish me by sabotaging my goals and preventing me from cultivating my brain the way I want to). In other words, I am worried and upset that the “thought police” (and people in general) are deliberately trying to suppress my creative ideas, meditative practices, and intelligence as “punishment” for whatever “sins” I have been accused of committing and in order to exploit me as a specimen to be experimented on and tortured for other people’s information gathering and sadistic entertainment purposes.
Even though a part of me would like to say that it is always possible for any person to always improve its skills, knowledge, and physiological functioning, another part of me wants to say that I am (and for several months have) been functioning as optimally as physically possible given my limitations and that the main drama of my life now is merely fighting to continue optimizing my use of cognitive and physiological resources “against” a tyrannical and oppressive governing system which is trying to diminish my ability to optimize my use of cognitive and physiological resources. Metaphorically speaking, it feels like I am constantly spending all my time and energy on merely being able to maintain base level functioning and if I take a second to rest, I will “crash” and go into a coma which is almost impossible for me to break free from once my brain becomes too weak from being forced to atrophy to revive itself.
A part of me wants to forsake looking for a job and just continue living off my mom’s money so that I can spend all my time doing what matters to me and avoiding the otherwise inescapable traps of the societal matrix which is designed to prevent me from accomplishing my goals. I strongly feel that human beings can and should be living on a universal basic income by now and that automation should be performing the bulk of essential labor so that humans can focus on developing their intellects and individuating in ways mandatory working does not allow them to do.
My “default” plan is to accept the first job offer I get and to keep applying for jobs so that I am not accused by “the people” of merely free loading and hence being deserving of punishment, ostracization, and torture. Then again, I cannot help but worry that, no matter how much I do to conform to what society seems to demand, “the people” will always berate me for not doing “the right thing” and will find some way to always justify punishing, ostracizing, and torturing me. That makes me want to say, “Fuck it! I already know the system is rigged by design. It is meant to deplete people of sufficient time, energy, and opportunities to think outside the box in revolutionary and personally empowering ways. Also, the system is primarily powered by scare tactics, bullying, and depriving people of comfort and freedom. It is a depression-mongering, conformity-enforcing, creativity-killing enterprise designed to keep the people immobilized and attention deficient and distracted from what goes on behind the scenes and on a larger scale. It is designed to prevent the people from waking up from the absurd legal slavery they have been coerced into normalizing and building their social lives around. If I do not rebel against the system and refuse to allow myself to become another dis-empowered, depleted slave, I am not doing much other than surviving and fighting for a modicum of comfort and pleasure.”
Perhaps I need to “settle” for part time customer service jobs which are less formal and less pollution emitting than working at a warehouse which has me working up to six days a week for twelve hour shifts at odd hours and dependent on a car instead of on greener locomotive options for commuting. I still plan to go to the interview tomorrow at the Nordstrom warehouse in Newark at 10AM just so I can get that experience. Even if I do not end up working at the job I am interviewing for tomorrow, I think it would be good for me to use the interview as a learning and socializing opportunity; a chance to feel like something other than just a lone scapegoat and/or a background character in someone else’s movie while I am the least valued person on the set (because a person is only as valuable as the number of friends that person has).
I prefer to practice and to promote a non-dualistic and all-inclusive mindset which posits that every phenomenon is equally necessary in terms of making reality as complete as it is. Given that thought, even the background characters are irreplacably unique and necessary for completing the most macroscopic tapestry of all: the whole of NATURE!
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