KARBYTES_JOURNAL_2022_ENTRY_174
Several times today, I have been harassed by people who drive slowly past me in their cars and then pause in the middle of the road as if to nonverbally communicate their disapproval of my sitting down to use my laptop on the sidewalk or even to walk. I also noticed a popular trend in the neighborhood I was walking through tonight: the motion-detection “flash bang” lights which abruptly turn on and startle me and rob me of an otherwise peaceful trance enjoying the contents of my own mind. I feel that those motion-detection lights are unnecessary and even detrimental because they insinuate that people are not allowed to be outside after dark (and that anyone who is walking around after dark is a “bad” person who has to be treated like a criminal suspect merely for not being under the same “curfew” as everyone else is).
A tangential thought I had about this matter is the fact that the houses with those motion-detection criminal deterrent lights seem to contrast sharply with the cutesy, welcoming decorations which accompany those houses. Strangers are automatically treated as bad people not worth getting to know while people seem to only welcome those they already have known for many years. After a certain age, I think a human stops being open to making new friends and most friendships are with people whom that human has known since childhood or early adulthood from structured routine social gatherings. I think I am too old to make friends and too old to rekindle old friendships because I have voluntarily spent almost all my time alone over the past half decade and now am very different from most other people. There are people I do consider to be new friends who I interact with through social media but I am trying not to be too creepy by pushing to meet such people in person anytime soon or in the future. I like how we have that “safety wall” which allows us to control how much information we disclose and how we are not obliged to respond to each other immediately. That’s how the bulk of my friendships are these days.
I do expect to have to be cordial and appropriately gregarious with future coworkers, strangers, and other people I interact with “face to face”. I think I am fairly good at that already and do not need much more practice at socializing. I am very good at talking my way through almost any situation. I am very quick to come up with witty responses and I know how to be a good sycophant. These days I try to be as authentic as possible without being creepy (but I do think I inevitably come across as creepy to some (especially since I am rather uninhibited about how I use language and am very open minded and creative and willing to disclose personal details and talk about any subject without restriction)).
For a while I thought people wanted me to get better at hiding so as to not be a burden to society. Then I saw the people try to prevent me from hiding. I felt for a while like I was a prisoner hiding in my own prison cell of a body and forced to keep a straight face even while squirming inside and aching to be more expressive. How indulgent of me to move and to speak freely!
Without going into detail, an event which happened earlier tonight taught me that the “right thing” to do is to be generally non-reactive to other people doing stuff which incites my rage and sense of being violated (unless I think my life is in serious and immediate danger (and that is when I “should” call the police)). I am trying not to run at people and make scary faces at them anymore in retaliation to them doing stuff which feels like taunting me. Such people might actually pull out a weapon and use it against me. It is best to avoid such danger and just quietly boil with rage. I feel like my default emotional state is chronic irritability and junkie-like zeal to acquire the things I crave. I love being a go getter and getting the stuff I like, but I do think I need to do a better job of not acting so desperate to get the stuff I like. I should just tell myself that I have plenty of time to get the stuff I want and that I will not be dying anytime soon and that the stuff I want is in infinite supply. As absurd as that sounds, it does work to calm me down and take the edge off my white-knuckle grip of desperation.
No person is absolutely safe from losing their money and other coveted assets, abilities, and opportunities. For prey animals like zebras, every member of the herd is probably living in constant fear that it will be picked off by a lion. It is guaranteed that members of the herd will be violently and painfully eaten to death by the predators which stalk those herds night and day. I do not think of myself as a prey animal. I think of myself as more of a predator than a piece of prey. I trained myself to be physically intimidating and good at basic self defense and survival. I enjoy walking around like an alpha in a pack of one. I glow with power and pride. I also try to act civilized and gentle and to not wield my power excessively in front of those I do not want to threaten (i.e. most humans and animals which I believe will not harm me).
Well anyway, thank you for allowing me the space and time to express and to record these thoughts. I do think that I am getting smarter with every passing day.
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I learned tonight (a bit late) that it is not okay to sit on the sidewalk in residential areas. I was used to being able to just plop down wherever I wanted to while walking on the more secluded path which borders the freeway and which is not in front of any residential areas. (Generally, I have been thinking of the entire three-dimensional space I have been walking around in as being part of the wilderness, but the humans are very territorial and do not like it when humans loiter. I see that I need to minimize how much time I spend in certain areas and how merely walking through certain areas (especially residential areas) makes people upset). Having a bicycle would certainly help make this less of an issue because I would be able to rapidly pass through without looking like a loiterer.
Also, another thing I was recently thinking about which is related to what I wrote earlier on this page is the fact that I prefer friendships which are entirely online or else almost entirely online (and I like that the Internet makes it easy to meet many people). I prefer having a social network spanning many accounts to having just a few “in person” friends. The former seems more robust, long lasting, educational, diverse, and low-maintenance than the latter.
This web page was last updated on 27_SEPTEMBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.
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