25_SEPTEMBER_2022: Earlier this evening I was thinking about possible factors for why the court is taking so long to complete my background check with Amazon. I thought that people in general are reluctant to give me a job until I start doing more to prove that I am a student doing the homework assignments I assigned myself to do which amount to completing “introduction to computer science” software applications. Then again, it could be detrimental to me getting a job if I appear to be doing computer programming even while not having a job (especially if I appear to be very good at computer science and/or very passionate about the subject). Such an interest and/or expertise in computer science would indicate that I have better things to do than work at the menial labor job I applied for and that I should apply for a job which is more directly related to software engineering. My argument is that I feel more motivated to work on my computer science studies when I have a source of income other than waiting for other people to donate to me. Some people seem to be suggesting that I am being denied any employment until I show more progress as a computer science student so that it does not look like I am that destitute (i.e. too destitute to be offered a job because, if that is how desperate and money-obsessed and money-deprived I am behaving and thinking, then I should be classified as having some kind of mental illness for not learning to calm down and be okay skipping meals, settling for cheaper food, and not being in a rush to have so much money when the state already knows I have more than enough money to comfortably work on my computer science homework full time (and being classified as having a mental illness may be seen by many as a more lucrative and quick and easy way to “make money” than getting a paid job (which issues a W-2 for entering into my tax forms at the beginning of the years after I get hired by that particular employer) because I can use my “disability” to get paychecks from the government)). I do not like how I am forced to listen to other people talking at me via microwave auditory effect while they listen to my internal monologue via subvocal recognition technology. (See karbytes 2022 journal entry # 138 for details about that psychotronic interference). I think that the “people” talking to me while I try to focus on my work as a philosopher and software developer are trying to discourage me and diminish my interest in such subjects so that I focus on what they want me to focus on instead: being as poor and disinterested in STEM (i.e. Science Technology Engineering Math) as they are and, hence, not being able to do much more than engage in petty, repetitive, demoralizing, and wasteful fights about money, sex, and social status. Apparently, I am only allowed to think as well as the police want me to (and the police seem to be trying to force me to think like a dumbed down kid so that the real me is forced to atrophy irreparably).

I noticed that most people balk at the notion of me studying and thinking about STEM subjects anywhere in physical proximity to them because, apparently, such non-colloquial thought patterns disturbs them and they somehow are aware that I am engaging in “restricted access” mental activity. I would rather just do my best to put myself in a comfortable and secluded place away from where there are lots of people with my headphones on playing some noise to drown out other people’s voices and focus on whatever it is I want to focus on even though the relatively STEM adverse masses are uncomfortable with me being so comfortable and at home immersing myself in those subjects (because I love those subjects and am naturally good at them). I think people get insecure and angry when I “show off” my STEM prowess because it makes them think I have the potential to earn more money than them and to get a job I enjoy (while they settle for jobs they do not enjoy as much as I enjoy my job). The jealousy and insecurity of other people is my biggest obstacle but I feel obliged to pretend and to act as though I am the only obstacle to my progress as a STEM major.

Anyway, I am hoping to get back to doing computer science and analytical philosophy as soon as possible. Rather than do a JavaScript assignment first, I would rather do a C++ assignment first. Honestly, I love C++ (CPP) more than I love JavaScript (JS), not only because C++ was my first programming language, but mostly because C++ actually provides answers to the kinds of questions I would ask about what constitutes data and how do computers actually work. For instance, I can use the built-in sizeof function to return the number of bytes which comprise the input name of some C++ datatype. I can also use C++ pointers to return the memory address of a variable. JavaScript in comparison does not allow the programmer to do much analysis of what goes on “beneath the hood” and to just focus on making things quick, easy, and business-like. Hence, the name of the programming language includes a reference to coffee (which is a reminder of what programmers are supposed to spend their hard-earned money on buying, consuming, and remaining addicted to and amped up on). I like coffee, but I like being able to take my time and savor the science of what I am doing more. (In the past, people tried to pigeonhole me into being a mere front-end developer because it was assumed that I am only suited to focusing on the visual part of software rather than the math and database part of software). I know there is a lot of ego involved in programming. I think I make some people insecure when I show off my C++ credentials instead of just playing a more superficial role of someone who just gets off on doing front-end JavaScript, Cascading-Style-Sheet (CSS) code, and Hyper-Text-Markup-Language (HTML) code.

Do not take anything I write too seriously. A lot of what I write feels frivolous. I write it to get it over and done with so that I can move onto subjects which I think are deeper and more interesting (but probably not as likely to garner web traffic because the stuff I really am interested in is apparently too esoteric, detail-oriented, and thought-intensive for the sensationalist media addicted masses).

I apologize if I made anyone feel alienated in my writings. I think that, if you are smart and sane enough, you will be able to appreciate “the real me” shining through the filth and that you will actually want to see “the real me” emerge and flourish.

(Remember that this blog of a website is relatively young. It’s only about three years old. I expect “the real me” to really come out within five years rather than within two years (though it may take longer; perhaps decades). By the time I am approximately 60 years old I expect to have built this website quite a lot out from where it currently is and there will be well documented evidence of my personal evolution. By the time I am 60 years old I expect to think and to produce content like a different person: one who is much smarter and happier than who is writing this “drivel”. I do not plan to ever let myself “slow down” as I get older. Instead, I believe that I have to constantly work hard to maintain my mental and physical fitness and to resist the culturally promoted and biologically hardwired tendency to slack off on such things (especially after I am decidedly no longer young). As “selfish” as this sounds, I plan to invest almost 100% of my free time and money into my physical and mental fitness (which includes working on personal projects of “spiritual” significance to me such as consuming web-based media and producing web-based media)).

By the way, I noticed that I am often frequently reprimanded for being “too self involved” yet reprimanded whenever I focus on subject matter which is not decided self involved. As soon as I direct my attention onto something which is not as worthy of my critics’ criticism, they seem to try to distract me and coerce me into focusing on the superficial subject matter they forcefully interject into my field of awareness. Then I hear them say in a taunting and sniveling kill-joy tone, “You are only allowed to be stuck on repeat and too self absorbed to get a job. You are only allowed to focus on your belly. You are only allowed to come across as superficial to other people. You are only allowed to be all about physical fitness 100% the time so that you do not get treated as being more deserving of better options in life.”

I am in deep dread and fear that I will never be able to enjoy inner peace because I will be forced to listen to that psychotronic harassment the rest of my life (or for most of my life such that, when I look back on my life in old age, I will see how little I got to accomplish what I wanted to accomplish because other people robbed me of mental space to appreciate my activities to the extent that I was forced to prematurely burn out and associate doing what I want to do with being tortured and punished).

“Well, if you are not happy doing X while we torture you, then that’s a sign you are not sufficiently good at X for X to be worth anyone’s time. We do not support you doing X then. It’s too late for you to get good at X now that you are past a certain age. Get over yourself and find something easier to do than X,” is what I imagine my enemies are essentially communicating (however indirectly and inarticulately).

This web page was last updated on 08_OCTOBER_2022. The content displayed on this web page is licensed as PUBLIC_DOMAIN intellectual property.