journal_karbytes_19september2025
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/**
* file: journal_karbytes_19september2025_p0.txt
* type: plain-text
* date: 19_SEPTEMBER_2025
* author: karbytes
* license: PUBLIC_DOMAIN
*/
To Whom It May Concern:
I had a dream within the past 48 hours which ended with me briefly envisioning a tired old masturbation subject I have used seemingly as the only method I currently know of for attaining an orgasm. It sadly involved abusing and humiliating a person (typically a woman) and I heard that person making sad sounds which made me feel really bad. When I woke up shortly after being a voyeur to a scene of a person being tortured in that particular manner, I realized why I have lost my desire to masturbate within the past two weeks. Every time I tried orgasming during the past three months, I felt a depressing let down immediately after the orgasm was attained and each orgasm felt like a chore I did in order to prevent my genitals from atrophying instead of something I genuinely felt happy to do. So it could be that I have fallen completely asexual (because I have no desire to masturbate anymore but I do plan on using glass dilators to keep my vaginal canal from atrophying and because I still get pleasure out of massaging the pelvic floor muscles from the inside of that canal; just not in a manner which feels genuinely erotic and orgasm-inducing).
More recently I had a dream about how I longed to cuddle while watching a movie with AJP or someone like AJP (perhaps even SED but more likely AJP) and then sleeping in the same bed with that person while cuddling intermittently the whole night. I imagine that having sex with such a person would feel more emotionally satisfying to me than masturbation because I think what I have started acknowledging I miss is cuddling. I’m not really into kissing and sexual “warm-up” as I am into straight-up sexual intercourse and ample cuddling. I think I have felt deprived of having opportunities to even fantasize about having relations like that with people close to my age and attractiveness specifications due to having not had any in-person job nor other regular in-person social meetup opportunities for years. To cope with that lack of appropriate sexual and platonic relationship opportunities, I simply identified as a hermit with dirty thoughts due to the fact that I felt that I was being psychologically tortured by the society or circumstances I was living in. I think that imagining myself as a voyeur of myself or others I found adequately attractive getting humiliated in a particular way and framed as an erotic object to be used merely for sexual fetish orgasm attainment (i.e. as mental pornography) made me feel relatively empowered and hedonistically gratified in circumstances which provided very little empowerment and hedonistic gratification. In other words, I felt that I was relegated to a marginalized and neglected position within society and even vilified due to the fact that I was chronically underemployed, incarcerated at jails and mental hospitals between the years 2015 and 2022, and bullied by people (strangers and non-strangers) up until very recently. I don’t want to exude a victim complex, but I have had a hard time hiding the fact that I still seem to have residual trauma which shows up in my body language as extreme social anxiety. I think that this much-needed socialization I am getting through my job (which is not too much socialization but enough to make me feel like I am a person with a name who at least temporarily matters with respect to the larger group of people doing a collective job to move packages in and out of the building in an efficient and safe manner) is helping to melt away that residual social anxiety (and even misanthropy) I have been carrying such that I can more comfortably and naturally interact with people (and I feel that is what I need to be truly at peace with myself and in this life; it is simply not sufficiently satisfying to me for me to remain “one against the world” with a fearful and even low-level hateful attitude because I feel that I don’t fit into society and then take that as justification to remain painfully closed off to socialization).
This is not to say that I am actively nor even passively looking to “get with someone” in a sexual or romantic manner. What it does mean is that I hope and expect to maintain a staunchly single, celibate, and ultimately loner-esque lifestyle (because that enables me what I feel is sufficient flexibility and freedom to invest in my hobbies outside of socialization and caving into base instincts for short-term hedonistic gratification). Basically, my convictions as karbytes have not changed. What has changed is my practical way of going about my day-to-day life. I have dropped a lot of sado-masochism in favor of being more bland and less psychopathic. Just because I was abused in the past (or even present and future) does not mean that I must propagate the chain reaction of abuse to myself or others. I can be a human fire wall which does not allow the flames to go past me to affect more people. I think that is only practically possible if I have lost my desire to “get off” on abuse as my only means for attaining orgasm. Of course, something other than cruel fetish fantasies need to fill that void in my being (and I think I have found out what seems to fill that void: having social commitments (with a job being the most essential of those commitments even if it’s just volunteering) to attend to regularly which incentivize me to stay presentable and professional instead of more savage and slovenly).
One final note: I still have my dark and dystopian thoughts about society and about existence in general. Though I generally see the sacredness in everything, I also see that nature is fundamentally indifferent to the suffering of individual sentient beings because all they really are in the grand scheme of things is configurations of matter and energy with enough consciousness concentrated in them to have subjective experiences of their own. I often grumble that I won’t live long enough to see society become the utopia I envision and idealize and which I consider to be actually humane compared to what society currently is (even in first world countries like mine). I feel that I live in a society where capitalist corporations are treated as the most important entities while humans are treated as either assets or liabilities with respect to the all-mighty businesses and money-making systems. If I am able-bodied and employable as someone who provides monetizable services to society, then I seem to have some degree of protection from being cast away as some patient, invalid, or delinquent with “negative value” instead of “positive value”. It seems that the unspoken rules of the game of being a member of human civilization is to avoid being categorized as a liability (i.e. someone who nets mostly “negative value”) instead of as an asset (i.e. someone who nets mostly “positive value”). It should be noted that “positive value” also comes in the form of volunteering for roles that are otherwise paid and for baring and raising human offspring.
To be clear, my idea of a utopian society is one where every person is guaranteed an unconditional weekly, monthly, or even daily income which is sufficient to enable that person to pay for all of their basic living expenses and to have at least 10% left over to use for luxury expenses or to put away as savings. That is assuming that most of the labor needed to run human civilization is performed by robots while humans only do some of the labor (and those who do are paid for their labor). Employees (whether human or robot) would still have some of their income deducted as taxes (and robots might have a much higher percent of their income deducted as taxes given that they lack human expenses and what expenses they would keep would be used to pay for their individual maintenance an upgrading) and corporations would also still have some of their profits deducted as taxes. Those taxes would be used to pay for everyone’s basic income. In order for such a system to work, however, the population size must remain relatively constant within a closed physical environment. Rather than force women to give birth to babies to sustain the population, artificial wombs incubating lab-created zygotes from cloned donor sperm and egg celss would be the default way of replacing lost population members. Adoption may not be allowed because it is seen as taking the child out of its home environment largely against its will and away from its community of peers and supportive infrastructure into the private and less structured environment of the adoptive parent’s dwelling (which I think is too risky to be permissible).
Sincerely,
karbytes
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